Gundam Wing in the Wild Wild West
by MomsDarkSecret
Summary: The GW boys have made trouble for themselves again and head to the American Old West to wait it out. This is the 7th in the series. Complete.
1. You brought this on yourself, Duo

This story is number seven in my Gundam Wing adventure series. The previous stories are, in chronological order: **Gundam Wing and the Knights of the Round Table, Gundam Wing and the Quest for the Holy Grail,** **The** **Magicians of Gundam Wing,** **Gundam Wing and the Men of Sherwood Forest**, **Gundam Wing and the Gods of Thunder** and **Gundam Wing on Mount Olympus**. If you read this story without reading the others first, it might not make a lot of sense. But of course you, the reader, have total control!

**Disclaimer**: This is an original work of fiction, but the characters of Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Wu-Fei Chang, Trowa Barton, Quatre Reberba Winner, Zechs Merquise and Treize Kushranada are borrowed from Gundam Wing AC by Hajime Yatate and Yoshiyuki Tomino and produced by Sunrise. Roku, on the other hand, is totally my creation and so is Alexa. Other Gundam Wing characters, like Sally Po and Lucretzia Noin, who might appear or be mentioned are also borrowed from Gundam Wing by Yatate-sama and Tomino-sama. Everyone else is made up by me, the author.

**Warnings**: This is a comedy, but you'll have to watch out for implied yaoi, not-so-implied yaoi, sexual innuendo, adult situations, occasional swearing, a general lack of respect for "decent" behavior and a noticeable tendency toward mayhem and destruction. I'm also not too interested in presenting an accurate representation of history or any known groups or people who might appear.

**Random Thought Before Bed**: "Is it possible for a boy to be too pretty? I'm thinking no, but I'd sure like to meet the guy who inspires that conversation."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Chapter 1: **You brought this on yourself, Duo**

The Gundam pilots were managing to live a fairly normal existence, if one overlooked the occasional odd magical phenomena that insisted on cropping up every now and then. And then over dinner, about a month after their return from Mount Olympus, Roku made an announcement.

"Mama, Miss Allen wants to talk to you."

"Who's Miss Allen?" Heero grunted.

"The principal at my school."

Quatre paled. "What does she want to talk about?"

"She says it's probably time for me to start going to the university. She said the teachers all feel bad because I know more than they do."

"But she said you needed to learn more modern history! What about that?"

"I took some books with me on our last trip. I memorized everything from the time of King Arthur until now."

Everyone stared at him.

"Everything?" Quatre asked in a strangled voice.

"Pretty much."

"Oh… well… I guess she's right, then."

"The university is in the main dome," Duo pointed out. "You're not going to freak out if Roku goes there by himself are you?"

"I don't freak out!" Quatre exclaimed indignantly.

Utter silence greeted this statement.

Quatre's cheeks turned red. "Not all the time, anyway," he amended sourly. "Anyway, it's only a short train ride and Roku could go with us in the morning."

"That's true," Duo grinned. "And you could always ditch work to escort him home later."

Quatre scowled. "I am not that overprotective!"

"Oh yeah? Then how come you went all postal when I took Roku with me to the South Pole for the day? It's not like we left the planet."

"I did not go postal! I was a little concerned because I didn't know he'd gone with you!"

"So the emergency dome repair I heard about was not caused by you?"

"You're getting on my nerves, Duo," Quatre growled.

"You've got to learn to watch your temper," Duo continued sagely.

Quatre glowered at him.

"You know, Duo," Trowa interrupted, "I don't have to be a mind-reader to suspect that you're treading on dangerous ground."

"All I'm saying is Quatre should try to avoid blowing any more holes in the dome."

"I did not blow a hole in the dome!"

"A large crack is not that much different from a hole."

Quatre muttered something under his breath. There was a small pop and a cloud of bluish smoke briefly obscured Duo from view.

"Quatre, what did you just do?" Trowa demanded sternly.

"Nothing."

"Don't believe him!" Duo exclaimed. He waved his arms to clear the smoke away. Then he looked down. "Oh, crap! I got boobs!"

"They're pretty small," Heero observed clinically.

"Yeah, Quatre's were bigger when he was a girl," Wu-Fei agreed.

"Well, Quatre's a little more effeminate than Duo," Heero noted. "Perhaps that contributed to meatier breasts."

"Possibly. A higher level of female hormones does sometimes promote breast growth, especially in men."

Quatre glared from Heero to Wu-Fei and started muttering again. Trowa clapped a hand over his mouth.

"Gentlemen, unless we want even more new women at the table, I suggest we change the subject right now."

Heero and Wu-Fei blinked at Trowa in surprise.

"We were just saying…"

"Shut up!"

Duo stuck an exploratory hand between his legs. "Hey, this is kind of interesting…"

"Quit playing with yourself at the dinner table," Wu-Fei said archly.

"But my dick's gone and I've got…"

"We know what you have!" Wu-Fei interrupted loudly.

"Wanna see?" Duo giggled gleefully. He grabbed Wu-Fei's hand. "Let's go try out my new equipment!"

"Wait just a minute! I'm in the middle of dinner!"

"You're no fun," Duo pouted. He leered suggestively at Heero. "Hey Heero, interested in a trying it with a girl again? I promise not to tell Relena."

Heero paled. "Don't say that name. She'll hear you."

"Come on! Let's go fool around. I'm getting excited!"

"You're always excited."

"Please?" Duo made big puppy eyes.

"You're not gonna shut up until I do, are you?"

"No."

"Oh, fine! Let's go!" Heero surged to his feet and trudged dutifully toward their bedroom. Duo scurried after him, giggling delightedly.

"Were his hips swaying just now?" Trowa asked.

"He's a complete slut!" Wu-Fei muttered. He glanced after the departed couple. Then he sighed. "I suppose I better go too and keep Duo from wearing Heero out."

"You're a true friend, Fei," Trowa chuckled, but after he was gone, he made a stern face and turned to Quatre. "Well, young man, what have you to say for yourself?"

"He pissed me off!"

"Apparently. How long is he going to stay like that?"

"I don't know."

"You should change him back."

"He'll change back on his own, eventually. Probably."

"You're not sure."

"Odin changed back."

"That took weeks. And he had both sets of equipment for a while. Do you really want a hermaphrodite-Duo running around the house for a couple of weeks?"

Quatre snickered. "It could be kind of funny."

"Papa Duo smells a little different as a girl."

"Really? But you can still tell it's him?"

"Yeah."

"That's interesting." Quatre rubbed his chin and the gleam of scientific curiosity lit his eyes. "Maybe I should run a few genetic tests before he changes back. I'll take him to my lab with me tomorrow."

"After you see Miss Allen," Roku reminded him.

"Of course. After that."

"Umm…" Hadeya, who had watched this entire exchange in wide-eyed silence, finally spoke up. "Does this sort of thing happen very often?" He regarded Quatre worriedly.

"Only to Duo," Trowa chuckled. "Don't worry. You're much too nice to get turned into anything."

"That's… reassuring."

"Can Hadeya go to the university with me?" Roku asked. "He's too old even to go to the high school."

"I don't see why not," Trowa said. "It would give him something to do. After we talk to Miss Allen, I'll take the two of you over to the university to register."

"I hope Alexa doesn't get lonely."

"Treize will still be around when she gets home from school. He seems to be enjoying himself as a stay-at-home dad."

"That's true."

Quatre suddenly scowled. "It just occurred to me that those three skipped out on cleaning up. And it was Duo's turn to do the dishes."

"You should have thought of that before you turned him into a girl."

Quatre glared at Trowa. "You want to try it?"

"No!" Trowa quickly held up placating hands. "I'll do the dishes." He hurriedly began clearing the table.

"I'll help you, Uncle Trowa."

"Thanks, Hadeya."

In the morning, Heero and Wu-Fei both had dark circles under their eyes. Duo was grinning from ear to ear while consuming an unusually large breakfast.

"Man, whoever said women are dainty eaters was just plain lying! I'm starving!"

Wu-Fei hung his head in his hands. "It's not fair!" he groaned. "You shouldn't be able to move. I can barely walk!"

"Quit whining!" Duo laughed. "I let you go on the bottom when you started grumbling about your hips being tired. And anyway, Heero did it more than you because you passed out before it was even the middle of the night."

"It was 3am!"

"That's kind of the middle of the night."

"You mean you made me keep going after 3am?!" Heero exclaimed. "You said it was just past midnight!"

"3am is just past midnight."

"You lying sack of s…!"

"Heero!" Quatre interrupted him sharply. "Finish your breakfast. Remember, we need to stop off and see Miss Allen on the way to work."

Heero grumbled under his breath as he ate his cereal.

"Anyway, Duo," Quatre continued. "I'd like you to come to the lab with me this morning. I'd like to run a few tests on you while you're genetically female. Comparing the results to your normal genetic pattern should be quite interesting."

"Sure." Duo grinned cheerfully. "I better call in sick though. I don't think I want to explain what's going on to my boss. Besides, he's got a thing for long-haired chicks. He might jump me."

"Like you'd complain!" Wu-Fei muttered.

"I prefer to choose my own partners."

"Yeah, right."

"Let's get going," Trowa spoke up. "We're gonna be late."

As they stepped out of their house, they were greeted by Treize, Zechs and Alexa.

"What the hell happened to Duo?" Treize demanded instantly.

Duo twirled in a circle. "Quatre turned me into a girl. I'm pretty, aren't I?" He batted his eyes at Treize.

"Well..."

"Quit flirting with my husband," Zechs growled.

"I'm not flirting!" Duo winked at Treize. "But I wouldn't say no to a quickie later."

Zechs glared balefully at Duo.

Duo winced. "Oh, now that was a painful image! All right, all right! I'll quit flirting!"

"I wonder what he was thinking," Wu-Fei speculated. "Duo backed off pretty quick."

"Zechs is just a little possessive," Treize said with a smile and he put an arm around Zechs' shoulders. "That's one of the things I like about him." He returned his attention to Duo. "But are you planning to go to work like that?"

"Nah. Quatre wants to study me."

"That seems vaguely unethical," Zechs remarked, "creating your own scientific curiosities to study."

"I didn't do it on purpose," Quatre shrugged. "He just ticked me off."

"I see."

"We need to get moving," Heero interrupted. "We need to stop at the elementary school to talk to the principal."

"What for?"

"Roku's graduating to the university."

"That was quick."

"He's bright."

"So it would seem."

Alexa sighed. "I want to go to university, too."

"In a few years, sweetheart," Zechs assured her gently. He took her hand. "We better get going too."

So everyone went to the elementary school together. Miss Allen was relieved that no one argued with her recommendation, so after a brief discussion, Treize left Alexa at school and went home and everyone else left for the main dome. Once they arrived, Trowa took Hadeya and Roku in tow and set off for the university. Heero and Wu-Fei went to work and Quatre took Duo to his lab.

"First, I want to get an assortment of tissue samples, in addition to some DNA material. Then I want to test your reflexes to see if there are any differences in your response times."

"Are you going to test my sexual responses, too?" Duo grinned suggestively.

"What?!"

"It'll be fun. Besides, aren't you curious?"

"No, I am not curious!"

"Aw, c'mon!"

Quatre shoved Duo into a chair. "Just sit there and be quiet. I'm going to draw some blood. And I want a hair sample."

"It won't be a thorough test if you don't…"

"Just be quiet!"

But when Trowa showed up later to check on the progress of the testing, he found the door to the lab locked. He knocked.

"Quatre? Are you in there?"

"Uh, one second!" came the muffled response.

"Quatre, what's going on? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine! Everything's fine! Gimme a second!"

Several muffled groans echoed through the door.

"Quatre!" Trowa pounded on the door. "Open the door right now!"

"I said one second!" Quatre shouted. There were several muffled cries, a few loud moans and a banging sound. Then dead silence fell. A moment later, Quatre opened the door. His face was flushed and he was breathing hard.

Trowa stared at him suspiciously. "What were you doing?"

"Nothing!" Quatre blinked innocently.

Trowa's gaze moved to Duo, who was sitting on the edge of a table with his legs crossed, leaning on one hand with a look of wide-eyed innocence on his face.

"Oh really?"

"I was… ah… just testing Duo's… ah… reflexes."

"I'm very responsive," Duo informed him.

Trowa scowled. "Just what reflexes were you testing?"

"Um…" Quatre flushed. "Well…"

Duo hopped off the table. "Don't be so suspicious, Trowa." He looped an arm through Trowa's. "We're finished here. Why don't you escort me home so strange guys don't hit on me on the train?"

"I guess…" Trowa frowned at Quatre. "But I think I want an explanation later."

"Of course," Quatre said brightly. "I'll show you my test results."

"Good." Trowa continued frowning all the way to the train.

Duo snuggled up against his side. "Why don't you come back to the house with me? I'll get bored all by myself."

"You're a grown man."

"No, I'm not!" Duo giggled. "I'll show you!"

"Quit hitting on me."

"Are you sure you don't want to try it? As I recall, you had a lot of fun when Quatre was a girl."

"That was different. It was Quatre." Trowa sighed wistfully. "He was so cute!"

"I'm cute, too."

"You're ok, I guess."

"Just ok?" Duo blinked at him sweetly. "Heero thinks I'm cute."

Trowa sighed. "I guess you're kind of cute. But don't get any ideas."

"Of course not."

But much later, when the rest of the family returned from the main dome, the living room was empty.

"Trowa?" Quatre called. "Are you home?"

Duo appeared out of the back, grinning broadly. "Yeah, he's home. He just got out of the shower."

"Why was he in the shower?"

"He was all sweaty and stuff."

"Sweaty and stuff?" Quatre stared at Duo suspiciously. "Does this have anything to do with you?"

"Who, me?"

"You horny bastard!"

"You should talk," Duo replied calmly.

Heero lifted an eyebrow at Quatre. "Do you have something to tell us, blondie?"

"No!" Quatre turned bright red.

"I think Duo is worse as a woman," Wu-Fei said.

"You liked me last night." Duo lifted his eyebrows. "And I bet you'll like me again tonight."

Wu-Fei blushed. "Isn't it time to make dinner?"

"I'll cook!" Hadeya quickly volunteered. He escaped into the kitchen.

Roku followed him, still in his human form. "I'll help."

"Thank you." Hadeya glanced back toward the living room. "Doesn't that bother you?"

"Nah," Roku shrugged. "It just shows how much they like each other."

But how long will Uncle Duo be a… a girl?"

"Oh, I could change him back anytime," Roku chuckled, "but he's having fun.

Hadeya stared.

"Even grownups like to play."


	2. Oops, We did it again!

_Man, you guys know me too well! At least try to act surprised._

-o-o-o-o-o-

Chapter 2: **Oops, We Did It Again**

"So why is Duo still a girl?" Sally asked curiously. "I thought you said he'd change back."

"He should have," Quatre grumbled. "I think he's just being contrary."

"Like any of this is under my control!" Duo exclaimed. "I was just an innocent bystander when this happened to me."

"He can't change back now," Roku announced calmly.

"What do you mean?" Quatre asked. "The spell should have worn off by now."

"Well, it would have, but I think the baby is making the magic stick."

"BABY?!" five voices shouted in unison.

"Yeah, the one in Papa Duo's tummy. I think it's a girl."

"WHAT?!" Duo lost all color in his face. "Please, please tell me you're making that up."

Roku shook his head slowly.

"That's what you get for being such a slut, Duo," Zechs said. "You should have been practicing safe sex."

"But… but…" Duo sank to his knees. "I only did it…"

"About a thousand times in the past few weeks," Wu-Fei interjected. "Which means any of us could be the father."

"Or all of us," Quatre said and he looked rather pointedly at Roku.

Sally leaned forward. "Do you think the same recombinant reproduction might have happened again? The odds are pretty long on that."

"I would have said the same thing about Duo hitting that damn planet that got us into this mess in the first place."

"I did not hit the giant planet!" Duo grated.

"Whatever. Anyway, if Duo's having a baby, maybe we should slip town for a couple of months, virtually speaking."

"Again?" Noin growled. "You guys spend more time off Mars than on it working. This is getting ridiculous. I think you all need to start keeping it in your pants a little bit more."

"It's his fault!" Duo wailed and he pointed a shaking finger at Quatre. "If he would just learn to control his temper and quit spouting Latin every ten minutes, this wouldn't have happened!"

"Now, Noin," Sally said soothingly, "it's not really their fault. And their absences have not caused us any difficulties since the last few occurred overnight."

"That's not much of an excuse. What if something happens to them on one of these trips?"

"I doubt it could be much worse than what happens to us here," Treize said. "But the fact remains, Quatre is right. We need to disappear until after Duo has his baby and returns to being a man."

"I don't want to be a girl anymore," Duo pouted with tears in his eyes.

"But it's nice being a girl." Alexa patted him on the hand. "And I think you make a pretty girl, Uncle Duo. I bet you'll make a good mommy."

"I appreciate the thought, Alexa, but I don't think I'm cut out to be a mommy."

"You are right now," Wu-Fei noted wickedly.

"You're so cruel!"

"Where should we go?" Trowa spoke up. "Anyone have any ideas?"

"I want to go someplace where I can fight," Heero growled. "All this peace and prosperity has my nerves on edge. I need to shoot something."

"How about the American Old West?" Treize suggested. "Historians refer to that time as being governed by 'The Way of the Gun'." I daresay Heero would have lots of opportunities to shoot people and no one would think anything of it."

"That's a very thoughtful suggestion, Treize," Heero remarked.

"I think Heero almost smiled!" Sally snickered.

"Wasn't the Old West kind of dangerous?" Noin asked. "You might get hurt."

"We'll be fine." Quatre clapped his hands together. "Let's get to work. Everyone start gathering up what we'll need. I think we can just take the usual stuff. Zechs: you, Alexa and Treize don't need to go with us this time."

"I wouldn't miss it," Zechs purred. "I haven't been on horseback since I was a boy."

Alexa hopped up and down. "Can I learn to ride a pony, too?"

"Of course, dear. I'll teach you."

"Goody!"

So, with the decision made, everyone got busy getting ready for their trip. Noin flounced off in a huff.

"I'll calm her down," Sally said, somewhat apologetically.

"Find her a boyfriend," Trowa suggested.

Sally grinned. "I'll see what I can do." She hurried after Noin.

"Well, let's get this show on the road," Quatre said. "Daylight's wasting, as they say." When everything was ready, they gathered together in the middle of the living room. "Stay close, everyone!" Quatre held up the spell book. "Take us to the American Old West, circa 1870AD." He opened his book and read the spell.

The world shifted and went dark. There was a loud crashing sound.

"Dammit!" Heero shouted.

"Why is it dark?" Wu-Fei demanded. He quickly stifled a sneeze. "And dusty!"

"There's something jammed into my back," Zechs growled.

"Mine, too," added Treize.

"We're in a little room," Roku said. "It's full of crates and has shelves on the walls."

Suddenly, bright light enveloped them. "What the hell are you doing in my storeroom?" A balding man in a white apron stared at them in astonishment from an open doorway.

As usual, Treize was the first to recover his dignity. "Your storeroom?"

"Yeah, my storeroom. In the back of my general store."

"Hey, where's Duo?" Heero said suddenly. "He was standing right next to me. There's a wall there now."

The shopkeeper reached nervously for a broom that was leaning against the wall inside the door. "I said: what the hell are you doing in my storeroom?"

"Yeah, we heard you!" Heero snapped. He glared at Quatre. "I'd like to know what the hell we're doing in here, too!"

"I don't know! I didn't say anything about dropping us inside some damn store!"

Gunshots rang out on the other side of the wall and the shopkeeper dropped to the ground like a felled ox. "Get down, quick!" He covered his head with his arms.

"What the hell is that?" Wu-Fei demanded. "What's on the other side of this wall?"

"It's the bank!" the shopkeeper shouted. "It must be a bank robbery!"

"A bank robbery?!" Heero and Wu-Fei exchanged a look. "Duo's on the other side of that wall!" As one, they dashed for the door and leaped over the startled shopkeeper's back.

"Heero! Wu-Fei! Wait!" Quatre shouted. He raced after them with Trowa, Roku and Hadeya on his heels. Zechs scooped up Alexa and dashed after them with Treize at his side. They sprinted outside just in time to see half a dozen men race out of the neighboring building and leap onto the backs of their waiting horses.

"It's Duo!" Heero shouted. He pointed to where one of the fleeing bank robbers had a semi-conscious Duo draped over one shoulder. Unfortunately, his shout drew the robbers' attention. Suddenly, guns were pointed in their direction. "Shit!"

Heero and Wu-Fei dove for the shelter of a nearby horse trough as bullets began to fly. Everyone else scrambled back into the store.

"They're getting away with Papa Duo!"

"Stay inside, Roku!" Quatre shouted. "They're shooting at us!"

The shooting stopped as the sound of the horses hooves faded.

Heero jumped to his feet. "Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! We need to go after them!"

"With what?" Quatre said sharply. "Think, Heero. We need weapons and horses. We also need information. Let's check the bank. Someone in there may know something. We need to find out why they took Duo hostage."

"Maybe they'll dump him outside of town if they make a clean getaway," Treize said.

"Yeah!" Heero said. "I'll go check!" He dashed off down the street.

"Trowa, go with him!" Quatre ordered.

"I'll go," Wu-Fei volunteered.

"No, I don't need you and Heero running loose through the town. Let's not start killing people until we know what's going on."

"Right!" Trowa raced off after Heero.

"Let's go!" Quatre led the way to the bank at a trot. Inside, the bank was in turmoil.

"Where's the sheriff?" A woman cried shrilly as they entered.

"What happened?" Quatre demanded.

"The bank was robbed!" said a plump man in a suit. "My bank!" he reiterated angrily. "Damned outlaws!"

"Do you know who they were?"

"It was Luke Scorby's gang, that's who!" the bank manager cried angrily. "That's the third time they've robbed this bank. By god, if the sheriff doesn't catch 'em this time, I'll have that man's badge and his head!"

"Is it common for this Luke Scorby to take hostages?" Treize asked.

"Hostages? What do you mean?"

"We saw them leave with a woman hostage."

"Oh, her! She just appeared out of nowhere as Scorby and his men came busting in. She got in the way so they grabbed her. Or maybe she was one of 'em. Who knows? Anyway, where's the damn sheriff? We need a posse!" The bank manager stormed past them and out of the bank.

"This isn't good," Quatre whispered to the others. "A posse may shoot first and ask questions later. We can't have Duo getting caught in the middle of that."

They hurried outside to find several men already gathering in the street. In the middle of the road, the bank manager stood chest to chest with a burly looking man with a full beard and a ten gallon hat on his head.

"You better hang 'em this time, Sheriff!" the bank manager was shouting. "And I want my money back!"

"You'll get it!" the sheriff growled. "Now get outta my face so I can get this posse movin'!" He shoved past the banker and waved his arms. "Mount up! We got us some bank robbers to hang!"

"That's not good," Zechs said. "Such a group is unlikely to distinguish between Duo and the legitimate outlaws. We'd better hurry."

"Roku, give me some gold coins. Treize, you and Hadeya go find Heero and Trowa. The rest of you come with me. There should be a stable in town where we can buy some horses. And we should be able to buy guns in that general store we were just in."

"Welcome to the wild, wild west, gentlemen." Treize offered them a worried grin as he and Hadeya hurried off in search of Heero and Trowa.

Duo came to his senses draped over the back of a galloping horse with a saddle horn jammed into his side. "Well, this is pretty fucked," he muttered. He craned his head around to look at his captor. Frizzy blond hair, missing teeth and a sunburned complexion were the main impression. "Hey you!" Duo croaked. "Unless you want me barfing all over your boots, you'll let me go right here."

"Don't be like that, pretty lady!" the outlaw shouted. "It's fate! I just got me enough dough to buy a nice ranch and now I got me a pretty wife too! Thing's is lookin' up! Yee haw!"

"Wife? Oh, crap!" Duo barfed all over the outlaw's boot.

"Dang! What did you go and do that for?"

"I'm pregnant, you asshole! You can't treat an expectant mother like this!"

"Pregnant? You married already?"

"Well… um… I'm involved. And my boyfriend's gonna shoot your ass off! Let me down right now!"

"If you ain't married, you can still marry me. Good enough. Now shut up. We got just a little ways further to go to get to our hideout." The outlaw grabbed Duo by the hair and jammed his face down.

"Son of a bitch!" Duo kicked his feet and flailed his fists to no avail.

After a long uncomfortable ride, the outlaws slowed to a trot and wound their way along a dusty trail between the steep walls of a narrow ravine. They came out in a small box canyon with a ramshackle cabin at the back. They stopped and Duo was shoved rather unceremoniously off of the horse. He fell on his butt.

"I'm gonna kick your ass!" Duo jumped to his feet but was immediately grabbed from behind.

"Luke!" one of the outlaws shouted. "We don't need no damn woman! You start thinking with your dick and we'll all get hanged!"

"This is my new wife!" Luke announced with a wide smile. "You treat her nice!" He grabbed Duo roughly by the arm and dragged him toward the cabin. "Let's go get acquainted!" He leered at Duo.

Duo dug his heels in. "No way! You can't do it with a pregnant lady! It'll… It'll make you impotent!"

Luke stopped and his face paled under his sunburn. "That ain't true!" he protested doubtfully.

"That's what I heard," Duo said quickly. "You want to risk it?"

The other outlaws shifted nervously. "I heard that once, too, Luke," one of them spoke up.

"Yeah, it shrivels up all small," said another.

Duo blinked at them in consternation.

Luke hesitated. "Well, I guess I can wait. You won't be pregnant forever. And hey!" he brightened suddenly. "If it's a boy, I can start right off with a son. I've always wanted a son."

"What if it's a girl, Luke?"

"I'll sell her to the Cheyenne. They're always ready to adopt stray brats."

"You're not selling my baby!" Duo growled.

"Shut up and get inside!" Luke grabbed Duo's arm and shoved him toward the cabin. "You better behave or I'll sell you to the Cheyenne."

Everyone crowded into the little cabin and Duo promptly threw up again. "Geez, didn't anyone ever tell you assholes the privy is outside?" he groaned. "It reeks in here!"

"It sure does now!" one of the outlaws exclaimed. "I'll get some water." He went back outside.

Duo stumbled into a corner and hunched over. "I need food. Right now or I'll barf again!"

"She's your problem, Luke! You feed her!" The other outlaws settled on the other side of the room and began counting the loot.

"Women sure are a lot of trouble!" Luke muttered. He rummaged through a saddlebag and tossed a pouch at Duo. "Eat that and shut up." He joined the other outlaws.

The pouch contained moldy bread and cheese. "This sucks!" Duo grumbled, but he ate the food anyway.

Back in town, the Gundam pilots met up outside the stable, where Quatre had procured them several horses. Zechs had purchased guns and holsters for everyone except Treize and Wu-Fei, who preferred their swords, and the children. Roku was disappointed.

"I'm being a human! I can wear a gun!"

"You don't need a gun," Quatre said sternly. "And I better not find you with one shoved in your storage space later, either."

"Aw, man!"

"Let's go!" Heero snarled. "That posse has a good half-hour head start on us."

They thundered out of town, hot on the posse's trail. Initially, it was clear the posse knew where they were going, but then the trail led into tight canyons with rocky bottoms and there were signs that the posse had stopped several times to decide which way to go. They finally came to a spot where the path split three ways to follow three different ravines.

"Can you tell which way the posse went, Roku?"

"That way." Roku pointed at the left-hand canyon. "But I think the outlaws went this way." He pointed to the middle canyon. "There are a lot of smells, but I think I can smell Papa Duo."

"Better than a native tracker," Heero muttered. He kicked his horse into motion and galloped into the middle canyon.

"It's kind of cute how worried Heero is," Trowa remarked.

"Duo is carrying his baby," Treize pointed out.

"That's true. I hope Duo's not taking unnecessary risks."

They continued up the canyon, led by Roku's nose through the various twists and turns until Roku abruptly stopped.

"I smell horses."

"They must be just up ahead." Heero quickly dismounted. "I'll scout ahead." He slipped off up the canyon. The others dismounted to wait. Heero returned quickly. "Cocky bastards! No one's standing guard, but they have a clear view of the canyon mouth. We can't sneak up on them."

"Can we drop down on them from above?" Quatre asked.

Heero grinned. "If we could fly."

Quatre grinned back. "You think they'd be ready for a dragon attack?"

"Not likely."

Quatre turned to Roku. "Don't start any large fires until Duo's safe."

"Yes, Mama!" Roku shimmered into a large orange and black dragon and swooped up into the sky.

"Hadeya, guard Alexa please," Zechs said as he calmly drew his gun.

Hadeya put a protective arm around Alexa's shoulders as the group marched purposefully up the canyon. Overhead, Roku skimmed over the ravine walls and plunged into the box canyon, roaring at the top of his lungs. The outlaws' horses bolted in terror, charging down the ravine and sweeping the Gundam pilots' horses along with them. Hadeya just had time to grab Alexa and dive out of the way of the stampede.

Shouts of fear echoed from the little cabin and a hail of bullets rattled against Roku's scales. He retaliated by shooting flame at the cabin, but stopped just short of setting the building on fire.

"Surrender or I'll roast you alive!" Roku roared. "Throw out your guns!"

There was a moment of terrified silence and then several pistols flew out the windows to land in the dirt at Roku's feet.

"Hold up, Monster!" a shaking voice cried. "We give up!"

The Gundam pilots hurried up on either side of Roku, ducking under his flared wings.

"Good work, Roku," Quatre said. "Could you please go herd the horses back into the canyon now? You scared them half way back to town."

"Oops! Sorry." Roku leaped into the air and flew away.

Quatre walked forward. "Come out of there or I'll bring the monster back!"

Seven terrified men issued from the cabin, followed by a disgruntled Duo.

"Took you guys long enough!" Duo complained.

"Are you all right?" Heero asked. There might have been a hint of worry in his voice.

Duo grinned. "I'm good, if a little banged up. These brutes have no idea how to treat a lady in my condition." He pointed at Luke. "This fellow here was fixing to make me his bride."

"Oh really?" Heero glowered at Luke. He pointed his gun at Luke's face. "Did he try something?"

Luke paled. "Now hold on there, mister! I didn't do nothin'!"

"Except mangle the English language," Zechs murmured.

"There's money in the cabin!" Luke said quickly. "It's yours! Take it! Just don't shoot!"

"I could shoot you and still take the money," Heero pointed out.

Luke stammered in momentary confusion as he worked that out. "Now wait a minute…!"

"It's was Luke's idea to take the woman!" one of the other outlaws exclaimed. "Why don't you shoot him, take the money and call it even?" The other outlaws all nodded vigorously.

Luke flushed at this abrupt betrayal by his colleagues. "You damn bastards! You can't turn on me!"

"A man's gotta look after his own hide, Luke."

The horses suddenly charged back into the canyon, whinnying in terror. Roku, in tiger form, raved along behind them nipping at their heels.

"Mama, the posse's coming!"

"Oh, great!" Quatre exclaimed. "That's just what I need."

"You in the canyon!" a distant voice rang out. "You're trapped! There's no way out! You got two choices! Come out quietly and we'll hang you all nice and friendly-like, or we can do it the hard way! You got five minutes to make up your minds!"

"This is all your fault, Duo!" Wu-Fei exclaimed.

"My fault?! How is this my fault? I got kidnapped, for crying out loud!"

"Because when something bad happens, it's usually your fault."

"I get no respect! That's the last time I let you knock me up."


	3. Off on the Wrong Foot

Chapter 3: **Off on the Wrong Foot**

"This isn't good," Trowa said. "That posse seems disinclined to listen to reason."

"So let's just kill 'em all and be done with it," Heero growled. "Them, too." He hooked a finger over his shoulder at the bank robbers.

"The sheriff and his posse are the good guys, Heero," Treize remarked.

"Alexa's still out there!" Zechs exclaimed. "If the posse catches her and Hadeya…" He jumped toward the canyon entrance but Treize caught his arm.

"If the posse had them, they would have said something," Treize reassured him. "Don't worry; Hadeya's with her. He is a demigod."

"But he doesn't have any powers!"

"I do!" Quatre exclaimed. "I need to see them to transform them, but if I fly over their heads…"

"You can't speak when you're a bird, Quatre," Trowa pointed out. "How will you cast the spell?"

"I'll land on the canyon wall above them and…"

"Get your ass shot off," Duo finished for him. He pointed at the bank robbers. "Why don't we send these bozos down the canyon ahead of us? We can slip away while the posse is busy hanging them."

"Wait a minute!" Luke exclaimed. "We ain't killers! We just robbed a little bank! What's the harm in that? We don't deserve hanging!"

"That's right!"

"We're decent men!"

"Shut up!" Heero snapped. "The rest of you wait here. I'll take care of it." He stomped off down the canyon and disappeared into the ravine.

"He's going to kill everyone," Wu-Fei stated.

There was a sudden burst of gunfire, accompanied by several surprised shouts and a few screams. Hadeya came scurrying out of the ravine with Alexa in his arms.

Zechs promptly snatched her away. "Are you all right, sweetie?" he exclaimed. "I was so worried!"

"The men didn't see us, Mommy. We were hiding behind a rock. Then Uncle Heero came out and started shooting at them so we made a run for it."

"Cease fire! Cease fire!" a gruff voice cried loudly. "Let's talk this over!"

"That's more like it," Quatre huffed.

"We want the money back! If you send Luke Scorby out unarmed and with the money, we'll let the rest of you go."

"That sounds like a great plan!" one of the outlaws immediately spoke up.

"You sons-of-bitches!" Luke cried.

Duo dashed back into the cabin and came out with the pouch containing the money. He draped the pouch around Luke's neck by the strap with a grin. "Sorry, honey, but the dowry's too small. I'm sending you back."

"Aw, c'mon, pretty lady! I was good to you, wasn't I?"

"Let's see…" Duo tapped his chin. "You threw me over the back of a horse, tried to rape me and fed me moldy food. I've been treated better."

"He tried to rape you?" Wu-Fei's eyebrows lowered and he stared into Luke's face. "Did this low-life touch you inappropriately, Duo?"

Luke went pale. "Uh… uh…"

"Nah, but he was thinking about it."

"That irritates me," Wu-Fei said in a flat voice. He drew his katana. "Men like this shouldn't be allowed to keep their manhood."

Luke's eyes rolled up into his head and he fainted.

"Well that makes it easier," Treize remarked. He picked Luke up, money and all, and draped him over the back of a horse. He led the horse close to the canyon mouth and smacked it on the butt. "Hey, Sheriff! We're sending Luke out with the money." The horse galloped into the ravine and disappeared. Treize turned to the other outlaws. "I suggest you find another way out of this canyon because I seriously doubt they intend to show you mercy."

The outlaws broke and ran, scrambling desperately up the canyon walls.

"What about us?" Hadeya asked worriedly. "Father is still in the ravine."

"I think Duo's suggestion of slipping away while they're busy hanging Luke is a good one."

Heero reappeared. "The posse has him. They're getting ready to go find a tree. They'll probably leave a few people behind to try to trap us when they leave, though."

"That's ok," Roku spoke up brightly. "I'll go first and scare them away." He bounced up and down on his paws. "This is fun!"

"I'll go check," Quatre said. He shimmered into a falcon and swooped away. He returned a few minutes later. "All right, about half the posse has gone. The rest are hiding about five hundred meters down the ravine." He grinned at Roku. "Don't eat them."

"I won't!" Roku shifted into his dragon form and charged off down the ravine.

Hadeya stared. "I didn't know he could take that form."

"Roku can take the form of any creature he sees," Quatre noted proudly. "He's very skilled."

Hadeya swallowed. "He's seen Jormangand…"

"Don't worry." Duo patted his shoulder. "He said something that big would be hard."

"That's… a relief," Hadeya murmured uncertainly.

"Let's get moving," Treize suggested. "Roku will have the path clear in no time." Even as he spoke, terrified screams echoed up the canyon, interspersed with Roku's savage roars.

"Maybe you should have mentioned that Roku not dismember them either," Zechs remarked.

"And take away all the fun?"

As it turned out, Roku had not dismembered anyone, but the scent of burnt hair permeated the air rather thickly.

"Do you think we should go back to town?" Wu-Fei asked. "We're strangers and after a bank robbery, people might ask questions."

"We don't have any supplies," Quatre said. "We at least need to go back to town for that."

"And I want to take a bath!" Duo exclaimed. "I stink of that damn bank robber. And I need a proper meal, too." He batted his eyes at Heero. "In my delicate condition, I need special handling."

"Oh, please!" Quatre exclaimed. "You're about as delicate as a mobile suit."

"And…" Duo continued loudly, "I want to reward my rescuers for being so concerned for me!" He grinned at Heero and Wu-Fei. "It's been at least four hours since we've done it."

"You're thinking about sex after an ordeal like that?!"

"Sex helps calm my nerves."

"I thought eating calmed your nerves."

"That, too."

Wu-Fei rolled his eyes. "You're incorrigible."

"That's why you love me."

"Can we go?" Quatre interrupted. He kicked his horse to a trot. "Roku, please change back to a human. Wu-Fei is right in that we should probably try to avoid attracting any more attention to ourselves."

"Yes, Mama."

They trotted down the ravine and made their way back through the canyons. Surprisingly, they did not encounter the posse on their return trip.

"They must have gone the other way looking for a suitable hanging tree," Zechs commented.

"You would think a respectable town like this would have its own gallows," Treize said.

"You'd think."

They arrived back in town to find it abuzz with talk. People were standing about in the streets and on the wooden sidewalks chattering excitedly about the bank robbery and the hoped-for successful capture of the outlaws by the posse. They stared at the Gundam pilots as they rode to the local inn, which was easy to spot due to the large sign painted with the word "Hotel" that was mounted on the front of the building.

Feigning innocence, Quatre spoke to a couple standing in front of the inn when they arrived. "What's going on? Seems like there's been a bit of excitement."

"Well!" the woman in the couple exclaimed. "We just had a bank robbery right in broad daylight and the sheriff took a posse after them! Imagine that!" She blinked excitedly at them, apparently waiting for them to imagine it.

"That's something," Quatre said. "Do you think they'll catch the thieves?"

"We sure hope so!" the man interrupted sharply. "Nearly everybody in town had money in that bank. It could ruin a lot of folks around here. I hope they hang 'em all, that's what I say." He puffed his chest out importantly.

"Well, I must say, we hadn't expected such excitement. If you'll excuse us, we're going to stop in at the hotel."

Quatre led the way past the couple and into the lobby of the hotel. It was fairly typical for the era and the location. The door opened into a small sitting area with a registration counter on the left. A wide opening on the right gave a view of a dining room where a few patrons were eating. Stairs directly opposite the door led up to the guest rooms.

A young man standing behind the counter greeted them with enthusiasm. "Welcome to the Mayflower Hotel!" he called out. "Can I offer you rooms? Or do you want to eat?"

"We would like four rooms, please," Quatre said. "And we would also like to eat. What's on the menu?"

"We're serving grilled steaks, roast chicken, whole corn ears and fresh bread."

Duo rubbed his hands together. "Food first, rooms later. And baths! You got bathtubs here?"

"Yes, we do, ma'am. We have separate bathing chambers for ladies and gentlemen."

"Great! I want a hot bath waiting for me as soon as I'm done eating." Duo stamped into the dining room and plopped down at the first empty table. "Bring me some of everything!"

"He's so unladylike," Zechs murmured as the rest followed him into the dining room.

The girl who brought them their food, who did not seem that much older than the young man working the registration desk, was bursting with curiosity. "What brings you folks to Desert Springs?" she asked brightly. "We don't get a lot of strangers out here since we're so far from the train route. We were hoping they'd build it through here, but the railroad men didn't like the canyons outside of town, so they built it further south and went through Riverton instead. So now Riverton has gotten prosperous. We do all right here because a lot of folks come through hoping to find gold in the canyons, but we'd do a lot better if the train ran through here. So, are you gold hunters?"

Her question took them by surprise, since it hadn't seemed like she was going to let anyone else get a word in.

"No," Treize replied smoothly. "We're just travelers passing through. That train you mentioned: how far west does it go?"

"Oh, they say it goes all the way to San Francisco now! Can you believe it?"

"San Francisco? Really?" Treize's eyes lit up. "I wouldn't mind seeing gold-rush-era San Francisco. It's supposed to be quite a place."

Duo brightened as well. "There are a lot of gambling establishments there, I understand, to fleece the miners, mostly."

"We have enough gold," Quatre said sternly.

"You can never have too much gold!" Duo giggled.

"So you are gold hunters?" the waitress interrupted.

"Not specifically," Trowa said. "Like my friend said: we're just travelers."

"Oh. Well, my brother said you wanted to take baths, so I've got to go heat the water. Enjoy your meal!" She bustled away.

Duo proceeded to stuff himself with his usual gusto. "Man, it's no fun being draped over a saddle like that. I've got all kinds of bruises, I bet."

"How did you manage to get taken?" Treize asked curiously.

"It was stupid!" Duo grumbled. "When the transition happened, I landed smack up against a wall and fell on my ass. See? I've got splinters in my nose. I was disoriented for a couple of seconds and when I looked up, that outlaw Luke was standing over me with this really obnoxious grin on his face. He had his hat pulled down low over his eyes to hide his face, but then he yanked his gun out and started shouting at everybody to get down because it's a bank robbery. Then everybody starts screaming and some fat jackass starts shouting for the sheriff and the outlaws started shooting their guns in the air. It was just pandemonium. I figured to just stay down too, since I was already sitting on the floor, but then Luke grabs my arm and says he's taking me along for a hostage. I said no thanks and jerked my arm away and the bastard clubbed me with his gun! See? I have a laceration on the side of my head. The bastard."

Heero frowned. "I should have shot him."

"Doesn't matter," Trowa shrugged. "He's hanged by now."

"Good."

After a hearty meal that left the waitress a little round-eyed and the other patrons staring, Duo sat back with a long, satisfied sigh. "That is so much better!" he exclaimed. "I was positively empty. And I _am_ eating for two!"

Wu-Fei rolled his eyes. "What an excuse! You always eat like that."

"So what? I have to stay healthy for my baby, don't I?" Duo patted his tummy. "Now I'm ready for that bath." He waved his hand at the waitress. "Is my bath ready?"

"Yes, ma'am!" The waitress hustled over to their table. "I'll show you the way if you're ready to go now."

Duo stood up. "I sure am."

"Mama, may I take a bath, too?" Roku asked.

"Me, too?" Alexa immediately chimed in.

"Isn't it supposed to be hard to get kids to bathe?" Trowa chuckled.

"Not in this family," Quatre snorted. "Go ahead, Roku. Why don't you and Alexa bathe in the room with Papa… er, I mean… Mama Duo?" He gave the waitress a sickly grin, but fortunately, she appeared not to have been listening too closely.

"Yippee!" Roku and Alexa trotted after Duo and the waitress.

"Just so we're clear," Duo said as they disappeared from view, "I'm not playing mobile suit attack."

"That's a wise decision," Hadeya murmured under his breath.

"It's not as dangerous in a bathtub," Quatre chuckled, "just wet."

"Maybe," Hadeya said doubtfully.

"I think I'll take a bath too," Wu-Fei spoke up. "I feel a little itchy."

"Already?!" Heero exclaimed. "We've haven't even been here a whole day yet! How can you be shedding already?"

"Don't say that word!" Wu-Fei groaned. "It's just a slight itch. I'm not shedding!"

"I'd better get the oil from Roku anyway," Heero said. "Come on; I'll oil your scales for you."

"Thanks."

Heero and Wu-Fei left to find the gentlemen's bathing room.

Quatre stood up. "It's getting late. We should go get rooms for the night. But I think we should probably move on in the morning. We might run into trouble if someone recognizes Duo as the woman from the bank robbery."

Treize nodded in agreement. "We should go down to Riverton and find out what the train schedule is. I think it would be fun to go to San Francisco by train."

"The Sierra Nevada Mountains are beautiful," Trowa assured them, "and the view from the train should be spectacular. We should have brought a camera."

"I'm sure Roku has one in his storage space," Zechs chuckled.

"Good point."

Quatre led the way back to the registration desk. "We would like four rooms," he informed the clerk, "preferably adjacent."

"We can accommodate that, sir," the clerk replied cheerfully. He retrieved four keys from the array of cubbyholes in the wall behind him. "These four are upstairs at the end of the hall; two on each side."

"Perfect." Quatre accepted the keys and led the way upstairs. "Here we are: rooms 3, 4, 5 and 6." He handed a key to Treize and one to Trowa. "Do you mind bunking in with the kids, Hadeya?"

"No."

"Good." Quatre handed him the third key. "I'll take this down to Heero and Wu-Fei," he waggled the last key, "and tell Duo and the kids what rooms they're in. I'll be right back."

Everyone else unlocked their doors and went into their rooms.

"That bed looks rickety," Zechs noted. "I imagine its squeaking can be heard all through the building."

Treize lifted an eyebrow. "You planned on some activity that would cause the bed to squeak?"

"Time travel gets me excited."

"And you accused Duo of being a slut."

"At least I'm only a slut for you," Zechs purred. "Or would you rather I withheld my favors for a while?"

"No!" Treize exclaimed hastily. He wrapped his arms around Zechs and nuzzled his face into Zechs' soft silver hair. "You can be as naughty as you want with me."

"As naughty as I want?" Zechs tilted his head back and sighed softly. "That sounds positively delightful." He licked Treize's ear. "I think I'll start being naughty right now."

"Oh, dear!"

When Quatre returned to his room, he had a slight frown on his face. "Say Trowa, do you hear a kind of thumping noise?"

"Yes."

"What do you suppose that is?"

Trowa grinned. "Well, if you want me to guess, I'd say it's Treize and Zechs."

"You mean they're…"

"Probably."

"Goodness gracious! When are they going to get over that whole separation thing? They've been together for quite a while now."

"They have a lot of nights to make up for. Besides, remember how bad you felt when I was missing and presumed dead?"

Quatre's eyes went round and grew bright. "That was really sad!"

"So you know how they feel."

"I was so worried about you!" Quatre sniffled.

"I was just using that as an example."

"But I still feel bad about it!" Tears welled up in the corners of Quatre's eyes.

"I'm standing right here!"

"But it could have been different!"

"Quatre, you're being silly."

"I need a hug and a kiss!"

"Very well." Trowa embraced Quatre and kissed him soundly. "Better?"

"I suppose." Quatre sniffled some more.

"You're so sensitive."

"I need another kiss."

"This is going to go on all night, isn't it?"

"Do I get another kiss or not?"

"You can have as many kisses as you want."

"Really?" Quatre brightened up. "Can I have one hundred?"

"Tonight?" Trowa goggled.

Quatre's lower lip trembled.

Trowa hung his head. "Fine, but _you_ have to count them."

"Ok! And that kiss just now doesn't count. We're starting at one."

Trowa sighed and planted a firm kiss on Quatre's lips.

"One!"

When the rest of the party finally arrived upstairs damp and clean, Roku immediately began to giggle.

"What's so funny?" Heero demanded.

"Nothing!" Roku grabbed Alexa's hand. "Come on, we're in here with Hadeya, where NO ONE is being naughty." The two children scooted into their room.

Duo grinned. "Yup, that appears to be the only room currently occupied by members of our party where naughtiness is not occurring." He leered at Heero and Wu-Fei. "So I think we should be in our room being naughty too."

"I'm clean!" Wu-Fei protested. "I don't want to immediately get sweaty!"

Duo sidled up to Wu-Fei and scratched his back between the shoulder blades. "How does that feel?"

Wu-Fei's eyes drifted closed and his head lolled back. "Ahhh…"

"I could do a better job if you took off your shirt," Duo murmured. He nudged Wu-Fei toward the door to their room. "Let's step inside and I'll give you a thorough scratching. Heero will help."

"I'm so easy!" Wu-Fei wailed mournfully, but he did not resist as he was led into the empty hotel room and divested of his shirt.

"Just think how good you'll feel after a good scratching, a thorough oiling, and a long, slow screw."

"I give up!" Wu-Fei collapsed onto the bed on his stomach.

Duo straddled his butt and began to scratch briskly. "Get over here and help, Heero."

"No thanks. I'll just watch." Heero balanced the jar of oil on his palm. "Let me know when you need this. Is he shedding?"

"I'm not shedding!"

"Doesn't appear to be. Not yet, anyway!"

"Shut up!"

"We'll have to ask Quatre if he wants to keep the scales again," Heero remarked. "He can make one of those dragon scale shirts for you."

"That would be nice. Yours is very pretty and practical too."

"Would you two stop discussing the clothes you can make from me?" Wu-Fei grumbled.

"You should be happy we appreciate your multi-faceted talents."

Wu-Fei muttered something in Chinese that was probably not flattering.

"I heard that," Heero said.

"Ok, time for the oil," Duo announced, "and then it's time for sex. I think we have a lot of fucking to do to catch up with the others."

"It's not a competition."

"But I have a reputation to uphold as the biggest slut in the group. That wretched Zechs is trying to outdo me. And innocent little Quatre is making a big play for the title himself. Both of you get your pants off and get to work. It's not easy getting bombarded with the images of all the fun the others are having. I want some too!"

"Oh, very well," Heero muttered. He handed the oil to Duo. "Make sure you oil him all over. We may as well keep him busy from both sides."

"What?! Wait a minute…!"

"You bet!" Duo giggled gleefully. He started applying oil liberally.

"Stop that!" Wu-Fei shouted. "Get your fingers out of there! What do you think you're doing?"

"Noisy, isn't he?" Duo chuckled.

"Extremely," Heero said irritably.

"He'll quiet down once we sandwich him."

"So let's start. He's giving me a headache."

"I don't see why I have to be involved," Wu-Fei complained.

"It's more fun that way," said Duo.


	4. Riverton

Chapter 4: **Riverton**

"I thought the girl at the hotel in Desert Springs said Riverton was a big town," Duo complained.

"It is bigger," Trowa pointed out. "I think there are at least six more buildings on the main street."

"You call it a main street like it's got more than one."

"There are two cross streets."

"Those are alleys!"

"They're streets," Trowa corrected. He pointed to a shadowed, muddy pathway between two buildings. "That crevice there reeking of piss is more of an alley."

Zechs held his nose. "Are you sure? I thought it was the public lavatory."

"In French, they'd call it a _pissoir_," Treize remarked casually.

Wu-Fei groaned. "I'm never going to the bathroom again."

"There's the hotel," Quatre interrupted loudly. "And the public stable is right next door."

"The hotel looks to be a quality establishment," Treize noted. "Tucked in tidily between the _pissoir_ and a pile of horse manure; the rooms must be quite aromatic."

Wu-Fei turned green. "I may not eat until we get back to Mars."

"Well, that will certainly make it easier to avoid going to the bathroom."

"Wu-Fei should be the pregnant one," Duo declared, "he's certainly as queasy as a woman in her first trimester."

"That's not funny."

They dismounted in front of the hotel, filling up the hitching rail with their horses.

"I'll go check in," Quatre said. "Treize, why don't you go find out about the train schedule?"

"All right."

"We'll go with you." Zechs took Alexa's hand.

"May I go too, Mama?"

"Sure."

Roku took Alexa's other hand and the three of them set off down the street with Treize.

"Heero, why don't you and Hadeya find out about boarding our horses at that stable?"

"We should probably just sell them," Heero grunted. "If we're taking the train to San Francisco, we won't need horses."

"That's true. But let's wait until after we find out how long we'll be stuck here. I doubt the train goes through here every day."

"Good point."

Inside the hotel, there was an immediate feeling of déjà vu.

"Didn't we just check out of this place in Desert Springs?" Duo whispered.

"It does bear a striking resemblance to the last place," Trowa agreed. "At least the desk clerk is different."

In fact, the desk clerk was a middle-aged man with a short beard and a decidedly British accent. "Good day, gentlemen!" he trilled. "How may I be of service?"

"We would like four rooms, if you have them, but we don't know for how long," Quatre replied. "We're planning to take the train to San Francisco."

"You'll be staying for a week, then. The train is not due until next Wednesday." The clerk opened an enormous registration book. "Do you mind signing the registry please? I only need one signature for all of you."

Quatre glanced quickly at Trowa and lifted an eyebrow. Trowa shrugged, so Quatre signed the registry while the clerk retrieved four keys.

"Thank you. Enjoy your stay, gentlemen. Dinner is served at six in the evening."

Duo groaned. "That's not for an hour! I'm starving!"

"You'll live!" Wu-Fei muttered.

"Let's get our things and get settled in upstairs," Quatre said. "We can decide over dinner what to do for a week until the train arrives."

"Have sex?" Duo suggested brightly.

Wu-Fei rolled his eyes.

As they went upstairs, their gear draped over various shoulders, Duo suddenly frowned. "Hey, I just realized that clerk called us gentlemen."

"So?" Wu-Fei said. "He was being polite."

"But I'm not a gentleman! I'm a lady!"

"You're still dressed like a man and with those tiny little titties, how is he supposed to tell?"

"My titties aren't tiny!"

"I can hide one with one hand."

"They're still bigger than yours!"

"That's not saying much."

"Keep that up and I won't let you play with them."

"Who says I want to play with them?"

"You were having fun with them last night."

"They're just a convenient place to hold on when we're…"

"Gentlemen!" Quatre interrupted. "Why don't you have that discussion in your room?" He pointed down the hall where a nicely dressed man and woman were staring at them with scandalized expressions.

Duo grinned sheepishly. "Oh, right! Why don't we just step inside, Fei?" He grabbed Wu-Fei's hand and dragged him into the room.

Quatre put a hand over his face. "We can't take them anywhere."

"Don't fret, Quatre," Trowa reassured him. Let's go see how Heero and Hadeya are getting on at the stable."

The two of them ran into Heero and Hadeya just outside the hotel on their way back from the stable.

"The boarding rate is pretty reasonable if we don't mind the horses being penned up outside with the other nags," Heero reported. "Although it's extra if we want them to store our tack, too."

"It doesn't matter," Quatre shrugged. "Duo's loaded so he can pay for it. It's his fault we're here anyway."

"His fault?" Heero eyed Quatre. "If I recall, you're the one who turned him into a girl so he could get knocked up in the first place. And if I'm not mistaken, didn't you help get him in that condition?"

Quatre flushed. "He pissed me off! And the rest was just, uh, scientific curiosity."

"I didn't realize fucking a woman was an intellectual pursuit."

"You should talk!" Quatre grumbled. "How many does that make for you? Two?"

"Three if we count you."

"Let's not!"

"Um, Uncle Quatre?" Hadeya spoke up cautiously. "Aren't you and Uncle Trowa, well, um, a couple? Why would you, ah, spend time with Uncle Duo?"

Quatre's flush deepened. "It was just a momentary aberration. And I wasn't the only one!"

"That's true," Heero remarked. "Trowa screwed him, too."

"Must you put it so crudely?" Trowa muttered in a pained voice.

"But, doesn't Uncle Trowa just like Uncle Quatre?"

Quatre yanked at his hair. "Duo's a whore, ok? He could seduce a saint! Now can we just drop this?"

"Who's a whore?" Duo exclaimed. "I just innocently suggest a little casual fondling and you animals are all over me."

"That is _so_ not true!"

Duo chuckled. "I want to find Roku. He'll have some snacks. I need something to tide me over until dinner. I feel nauseous."

"That reminds me of Zechs and the crackers," Trowa chuckled. "Remember how freaked out Heimdall got when Roku started pulling crackers out of nowhere?"

"That was pretty funny," Heero agreed.

"Of course, it was funnier watching him try to sit down after he played strip poker with Duo," Trowa continued.

Heero snickered.

"I still say he had a really cute bottom," Duo declared.

"You should know," Wu-Fei muttered. "You were in it often enough."

"Oh!" Hadeya gasped. His bright red blush extended from his neck to his hairline.

"Kept that little gem a secret from you, did he?" Trowa chuckled.

"Heimdall never mentioned…" Hadeya began. "Well, Frey implied that Heimdall had enjoyed a, ah, closer relationship with some of you, but he never said… Oh my!"

"We need to get Hadeya laid," Duo remarked. "He's much too innocent for someone his age."

"I'm not innocent!" Hadeya said quickly. "I know all about intimate relations between men and women. I just hadn't thought about men being, ah, intimate and, well…"

"And you said you were still a virgin," Duo finished for him.

"There's nothing wrong with being a virgin!"

"That's right!" Quatre put in. "Someone needs to be a good role model for the children."

"If you say so," Duo replied dubiously. He pointed up the street. "Here come the others. Hey, Roku! Got anything to eat?"

Roku trotted ahead of the others. "Sure, Papa Duo. What do you want?"

"Just a snack until dinner. Maybe some bread and cheese, and a roast chicken if you have one, and an apple or two. Something like that."

Roku began pulling things out of his storage space.

Quatre shook his head. "I don't know what's worse. The fact that Duo considers that a snack or that Roku actually has all that stuff."

"The train arrives on Wednesday and leaves Thursday," Treize reported. "I bought tickets for us. The clerk says it takes ten days to get to San Francisco from here, including additional stops."

Quatre nodded. "The hotel clerk told us the train didn't arrive until next week. We got rooms."

"So we get to enjoy the hospitality of this fine town for a week," Zechs grumbled. "Do you suppose they would be open to a discussion of the implementation of outhouses?"

"There's an outhouse in back of the hotel," Trowa said.

"Too bad no one uses it."

"I'm sure the women do."

"You're not helping."

"Why don't we go in the saloon?" Duo suggested. "It's right there across the street from the hotel. Now that I've had a bite to eat, I wouldn't mind a beer."

"You're expecting," Wu-Fei said primly. "You can't have alcohol."

"What?!"

"It's the price you pay for being promiscuous."

"Not even one beer?" Duo pouted. "That's not fair."

"You can drink milk with the kids," Wu-Fei said.

"Ugh!"

"Milk is good, Papa Duo."

"Maybe to your innocent young palate."

"I wouldn't mind a beer," Heero spoke up. "Let's go." He led the way though the swinging saloon doors into the dimly lit interior of the saloon.

"I feel like I stepped into an old Western movie," Zechs muttered.

"But in Smell-o-vision," Wu-Fei grunted. He wrinkled up his nose and tried to avoid breathing.

"You'll pass out if you keep breathing like that," Treize said.

"I'll pass out if I keep smelling what I'm smelling."

"Don't be such a wuss, Fei," Duo grumbled. "If I have to drink milk, you can smell stale vomit and rancid whiskey."

Wu-Fei paled. "Thank you so much for putting names to the horrible stench permeating this establishment."

"You're welcome."

Heero marched over to the bar. "Do you have milk?"

The barkeep goggled. "Milk? What kind of a place do you think this is?" He sounded offended and scandalized.

"Well, you got anything besides booze here?"

"Well," the barkeep scratched his head. "I got Sarsaparilla, but that's it."

"That'll do. I need three of those and seven beers."

"Coming right up."

Hadeya, Trowa and Treize helped Heero lug the drinks over to the tables where the others had taken seats. The tables weren't large enough to accommodate the whole group, so they took over two of them. The other occupants of the bar stared at them openly, with varying degrees of amusement and suspicion on their faces.

They had not been there long when a couple of cowboys drifted over to where they were sitting.

"You lot look new around here," one cowboy drawled casually.

"We're just passing through," Treize replied.

"Comin' from where?" the other cowboy asked suspiciously.

"Desert Springs."

The cowboys' eyes narrowed. "We heard they just had a bank robbery up in those parts."

"They did."

"You seem to know somethin' about it."

Treize sighed. "Because we were just there," he replied patiently. "That's why we know about it."

The cowboys scratched their heads while they assimilated this information.

"So, you know about the robbery because you were in Desert Springs."

"That's right."

"But you had nothin' to do with it."

"Correct."

"You talk like a lawyer," the second cowboy growled. "I hate lawyers." He looked Treize up and down. "You look like one, too. You some kinda lawyer?" His hand landed casually on the gun resting in his holster.

"You might say I'm more of a politician."

"Politicians is just lawyers in fancier clothes!" the cowboy exclaimed. He yanked his gun from his holster, but froze before he had the barrel completely free. Heero was suddenly standing right next to him with the business end of his gun jammed against the side of the cowboy's head.

"You might want to reconsider that," Heero grunted.

"I reckon so," the cowboy agreed nervously. He made a great show of shoving his gun back into the holster and raising his hands.

"You guys aren't being very polite," Heero continued. "I give lessons in politeness, but I'm told I can be a bit rough. Sometimes my students can't walk afterward. Or breathe."

The cowboy paled.

"Do you need some lessons?"

"No sir, I don't believe I do!"

"What about you?" Heero glared at the other cowboy. That fellow took a step back and held up his hands, too.

"No sir! Not me, neither!"

"Good." Heero holstered his pistol. "I think maybe you owe us a round of drinks."

"That sounds fair!" the cowboys agreed hastily. They dashed for the bar.

Heero resumed his seat.

After a moment, a nattily dressed gentleman rose from a nearby table and strolled over to them. He inclined his head politely, tipping his hat to Treize.

"Good day, Sir! I am Hieronymus Gree, a gentleman of means. Let me start by saying, I intend no disrespect for anyone in your party, so please keep your watchdog on his leash." He grinned at Heero. "I daresay his bite is every bit as savage as his bark."

"Keep talking and you'll find out," Heero growled.

"Now, now!" Hieronymus held up his hands disarmingly. "I came to offer you gentlemen an opportunity to pass the time in a more meaningful way than drinking the local brew. Are any of by any chance card players?"

Duo immediately came to attention. "Is your offer only open to gentlemen?" he purred. He batted his eyes sweetly. "I used to enjoy genteel card games in the parlor with my dear maiden aunts."

"Why of course, dear lady!" Hieronymus said smoothly. With a gallant flair, he clasped Duo's hand and gave it a gentlemanly kiss. "Please join us."

Duo giggled girlishly. "Why, sir!" He pulled his hand away. "You'll make me blush!"

"That is the most shameless display I've ever seen," Wu-Fei muttered under his breath. "He's going to leave that man with nothing but his long johns."

"Hopefully, he'll leave the long johns," Quatre murmured back.

So Treize and Duo joined Hieronymus at his table. The card game quickly attracted other players and soon four more men were crowded around the table playing poker. Duo flirted outrageously throughout the game.

"Being a woman gives Duo an unfair advantage," Wu-Fei remarked. "Those men are actually buying his sweet young thing routine."

"It's their own fault," Quatre replied. "They should know better than to let something like that distract them during a card game."

"True."

"They also shouldn't be drinking whiskey while he's just having root beer," Heero added.

"I doubt it will make much difference," Zechs said. "Duo would clean them out even if they were cold sober and not staring at his chest."

"Also true."

"Is anyone else besides Duo winning?"

"Yes, Hieronymus has taken a far number of hands," Trowa said. "In fact, I'd say he's cheating pretty well since Duo hasn't called him on it."

"He's cheating?" Hadeya asked in surprise.

"Yup, but he's good at it. No one seems to have noticed."

Hadeya watched Hieronymus carefully. "Then how can you tell he's cheating?"

"I'm a circus performer," Trowa replied cheerfully. "Card tricks are a piece of cake."

Suddenly, one of the players jumped to his feet with a shout. "Damn it! Yer a cheatin' sonuvabitch!" He yanked out his gun and pointed it at Hieronymus. "Empty yer pockets!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Sir!" Hieronymus exclaimed. "I have nothing in my pockets!"

"Just turn 'em out!"

"Oh dear!" Duo exclaimed abruptly. "I think I'm going to be sick!" and he barfed all over the table.

With disgusted exclamations, the other players leaped up and backed away from. The gunman was knocked backwards and Hieronymus took the opportunity to scoop up his winnings, even the bills with barf on them, and make a dash for the exit.

"Hey!" the gunman scrambled to his feet and dashed after him. The other players exchanged glances and then divvied up the gunman's forgotten stash before scurrying away.

Treize, who had neatly swept his and Duo's money into his lap the instant before Duo blew chunks, calmly rose and handed the cash to Duo. "Honor among thieves, Duo? You let Hieronymus cheat and then made good his escape."

Duo chuckled. "It's always fun trying to out-cheat a cheater. And he was pretty good." He patted his stomach. "But now I'm hungry again. It must be time for dinner. We should go back to the hotel." He patted Roku on the head as the group pushed out through the swinging half-doors of the saloon. "Sorry for wasting your snack, Roku, but I couldn't think of anything else on such short notice."

"That's ok, Papa Duo. I've got more."

"Good lad."


	5. Gunslinger Heero

Chapter 5: **Gunslinger Heero**

On the way across the street from the saloon to the hotel, they were confronted by the angry loser from the card game. He charged up to them with his gun in his hand and waved it wildly at Duo.

"It's your fault, you bitch!" he shouted. "Because of you that low-down varmint got away with my loot!"

Duo stopped and put his hands on his hips. "I think you got that wrong, mister. The other players took your money when you left it on the table. You should have paid more attention."

"But that Gree fellah was cheatin' and you were in on it!" the man cried.

"Now what makes you think that?" Duo replied calmly. "I lost to him same as you."

"But, but…" the cowboy blinked in confusion. "But you won a bunch too! It was the two of you, workin' together!" Having convinced himself, the cowboy pointed his gun at Duo's face. "So you just hand over what you stole from me right now!"

Duo drew himself up with a glare. "I don't think so, buddy! Sore losers like you shouldn't gamble."

"Why you…!"

"I suggest you drop your pistol," Heero growled. He stepped next to Duo and faced the cowboy with a harsh glare.

"I'll just shoot the lot of you…!" the man began and Heero stepped forward and punched him in the face. The man staggered backward, his free hand clapped over his bloodied nose. "Sonuvabitch!"

Heero reached out, snatched the man's gun from his hand and clubbed him across the side of the head. "Keep it up and I may lose my temper," he stated flatly.

The man staggered and fell to one knee, blood trickling down the side of his face and running out of his nose. "Dammit!" he choked out. "This ain't finished! You cheated! I demand satisfaction!"

"You demand satisfaction?" Treize immediately perked up, his eyes gleaming. "That sounds like a challenge. Are you challenging us to a duel?"

"That's right!" the man shouted. He stumbled to his feet. "Gimme back my gun! We're gonna do this proper, like men!" He snatched his gun out of Heero's hand and gestured up the street with it. "I'm goin' up there a ways. Whichever one of you dare's, step out in the road and we're gonna shoot this out like decent men!"

"This sounds like fun," Zechs murmured. "Too bad there's only one of him."

"I think this is a bad idea," said Quatre.

"I'll take care of it," Heero said.

"Don't kill him," Trowa said quickly. "He's just misguided. You should just wing him."

"He's irritating," Heero growled.

"But the fact is Duo and Hieronymus were cheating," Trowa pointed out quietly, "so it really wouldn't be fair to kill him for noticing."

"Oh, all right!" Heero snapped. "I won't kill him. But I can't promise he won't be maimed."

"Close enough."

Heero stamped out into the road and turned to face the waiting cowboy. The others all stepped back up onto the sidewalk in front of the saloon to watch.

"This should be interesting," Duo noted. "I'm not sure Heero knows how to not kill someone. He might hurt himself."

"Don't be rude," Wu-Fei murmured.

Cries of excitement broke out as the townsfolk became aware of the impending gunfight. Excited spectators burst out onto sidewalks and scrambled onto rooftops to get a good view.

"We'll draw on the count of three!" the cowboy yelled. "You ready?"

"I'm ready."

"Good!" The cowboy positioned himself, his arms slightly akimbo and his right hand hovering near the butt of his pistol.

Heero stood casually with his hands hanging at his sides. "Someone else should count."

"Fair enough," the cowboy agreed.

"I'll count," Zechs volunteered. He stepped forward. "One!"

The cowboy shifted his feet nervously. Heero didn't move.

"Two!"

The cowboy twitched his fingers and flexed his knees slightly. Heero didn't move.

"Three!"

The cowboy's hand flew to his gun and he snatched it free. In a blur of movement he raised it toward Heero, but he never got to fire because Heero, moving faster than the eye could follow, drew and fired in a single fluid motion. The cowboy's gun flew out of his hand and he cried out in pain.

"Wow!" someone shouted. "He shot the gun out of his hand!"

"No, he didn't," Wu-Fei remarked. "There was no ricochet."

"Very clever," Treize said with a smile. "He shot him in the wrist as he was raising the gun. A ricochet might have injured a spectator."

"I didn't think Heero was that thoughtful," Quatre commented.

"Shut up!" Heero grumbled.

The cowboy clutched his wrist, howling in pain.

"That was a lucky shot!" someone called out. "You couldn't do that again in a thousand years!"

Heero frowned. "Are you saying I didn't hit what I was aiming at?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying!"

Heero shoved his gun back into his holster. "Then get out in the street and prove it."

"What?!"

"You heard me," Heero snapped. "Get your butt out there and prove that I didn't hit him exactly where I meant to."

"Well… uh… I…"

"It's too late now, Clem!" another man shouted. He clapped the first man on the shoulder and shoved him unceremoniously off the sidewalk. "You're always talking about how good you are with a gun. Show us how good!"

Clem looked around unhappily as he stepped out into the road, egged on by the cheers of his comrades.

"I think Clem there should have kept his mouth shut," Wu-Fei said. "Are you going to shoot him in the same place, Heero?"

"Of course." Heero faced his new opponent with a scowl on his face.

Clem took his place in the street, checked the freedom of his gun in its holster, and then faced Heero nervously.

"Go ahead, Zechs."

"Right. Everybody ready?"

"Yeah."

"Uh-huh."

"One! Two! Three!"

Clem managed to get his gun completely free of the holster before Heero shot him. He shouted in surprise and pain as his arm was struck just above the wrist.

Heero frowned. "I would've hit you in the exact same place if you had drawn faster. You're slower than that other guy."

"What?!" Clem yelped as he clapped a hand over his wound.

"You're slow," Heero repeated.

Clem's friends howled with laughter. "You dog, Clem! And all this time you've been letting on like you're a big shot gunslinger."

"Shut up!" Clem shouted. He stumbled over to the sidewalk, still clutching his forearm. "If you think that's so funny, you get out there and try it!"

"I got nothin' to prove!"

"Well, I say you do!" Clem cried. He jumped up onto the sidewalk and used his shoulder to shove his friend into the street. "Or are you a dang coward?"

"I ain't no coward!"

The other men in the group began to laugh. "Clem's got ya now, Judd. Better just do it and show what kind of a man you are."

"This is getting ridiculous," Heero exclaimed. "How many more of these idiots am I going to have to deal with?"

"You started it with the fancy shooting," Duo chuckled.

"Trowa said not to kill him! What was I supposed to do?"

"You could have shot him in the leg."

"But then his gun would have gone off and some bystander might have been hit. Excuse me for being careful."

"I think Heero must be mellowing in his old age," Zechs said. "A year ago, he wouldn't even have noticed the bystanders."

"That's not true!" Duo said. "Heero has always had a big heart. As big as his…"

"Shut it, Duo!" Heero stared down the street at Judd, his new opponent. "You've got skinny wrists."

"That's not very nice!" Judd pulled his shirtsleeve down. "My wrists are plenty thick."

"It's gonna be tough getting the bullet to go between the wrist bones. It might heal badly. Maybe I should shoot you in the shoulder instead," Heero offered helpfully.

Judd stared.

"You shoot him just where you shot me!" Clem shouted. "I don't believe you can hit a man in the wrist three times in a row."

"I thought you were my friend, Clem!"

"That was before you got me shot!" Clem nodded toward Zechs. "Go ahead, start counting!"

Zechs grinned. "One!"

Nervously, Judd hovered his hand over his pistol.

"Two! Three!"

Judd snatched out his pistol, but the outcome was inevitable. He yelped in pain as his wrist was plugged just like the others. He dropped his gun, clutching his bleeding wrist gingerly.

"I guess his wrist wasn't too skinny," Duo said. "Can we stop now? I'm starving."

"Yeah, I'm done." Heero put his gun away. "Let's go have dinner. I'm hungry, too."

They started across the street in the midst of excited comments and applause.

"Papa Heero, can you teach me to shoot like that?" Roku asked excitedly. He bounced up and down on his toes. "That was really cool!"

"Sure," Heero began, but flinched under Quatre's stern glare. "But we'll do it in a safe and sane manner under careful adult supervision."

"That let's Duo out," Wu-Fei remarked.

"Hey! I'm a safe and sane adult!"

Wu-Fei snorted. "You miss on all three counts!"

"You're so mean." Duo pouted.

Wu-Fei rolled his eyes and took Duo's hand. "Don't take it personally. You're still a nice guy… um, I mean, girl."

Duo giggled. "I knew you still loved me!"

Wu-Fei sighed.

In the hotel dining room, they took over a long table and immediately ordered everything on the menu, which was beef stew, barley soup, roast chicken, corn on the cob and fresh bread.

"They don't have much variety," Wu-Fei complained. "You'd think in a supposedly big town like this one, they would have more food options."

"I told you it wasn't a big town," Duo said around a mouthful of chicken.

"San Francisco should be much better," Treize said. "I imagine they will have a number of restaurant options. They might even have a French restaurant," he added wistfully.

"There should be some Asian restaurants, too," Quatre pointed out. "A lot of Chinese and Japanese immigrants came though San Francisco."

"That's true."

"That just makes it worse," Wu-Fei said mournfully. "I still have to get through this meal."

"I think it's good, Uncle Wu-Fei," Alexa chirped. "You can mash it up with your tongue." She put a big spoonful of barley soup in her mouth.

Wu-Fei tentatively tried a spoonful of soup. "Hey! This isn't too bad." He ate another spoonful and grinned at Alexa.

"This would be easier to eat without the spoon," Roku mumbled.

"But you're wearing less of it so keep using the spoon," Quatre replied.

Roku sighed. Then he pointed with his spoon at a group of women eating at a nearby table. "Those pretty ladies keep looking at us."

Quatre glanced at them. "They appear to be 'women of ill repute', as they were once called."

"What does that mean?"

"They're prostitutes," Duo said cheerfully. "Maybe there's a brothel in the hotel."

"Good thing Duo's a girl right now," Wu-Fei remarked.

"Hey! I'm never so hard up that I have to pay for it."

"But, as Roku said, they do appear to be watching us," Zechs noted. "I wonder why?"

"It has to be one of two things," Trowa said with a chuckle. "Either they are so overwhelmed by our innate beauty that they are considering offering us freebies or they think we have money."

At that moment, one of the young ladies at the neighboring table got up and walked over. "Excuse me, gentlemen," she said with a friendly smile, "but my companions and I are wondering how long you're planning to stay in town."

"Until the train to San Francisco departs, dear lady," Treize replied graciously. Zechs frowned slightly.

"How nice! Perhaps you would care to spend some of your time visiting at Madame Bouvant's Tea Parlor, which is just next door. We all work there as hostesses."

"A tea parlor?" Treize raised an eyebrow. "I would not have expected such a refined establishment in a frontier town like this."

"Oh, sir!" the young woman tittered, "it's not really a tea parlor, although we do serve tea."

"Indeed?" Treize favored her with a seductive smile. "I imagine you have cakes and other sweetmeats on the menu along with tea?"

Zechs' frown deepened as the young woman nodded vigorously. "I think you would find our offerings very much to your taste, sir," she said. She turned her smile on the others. "We would love to entertain you. We don't often see so many attractive men all at once in these parts."

"He's married!" Zechs snapped. He leaned toward Treize. "You don't want your wife to find out you've been getting entertained elsewhere do you? She might get quite upset with you."

Treize blinked. "I would never violate the sanctity of my marriage vows," he said quickly. "But tea and cakes would still be nice."

"Oh, really? Well, I don't need dessert. If you'll excuse me, I'm going up to _my_ room." Zechs rose from the table and stalked away.

There were sighs of disappointment from the ladies' table at his departure, but the young woman speaking was still determined. She focused her attention on Hadeya. "How about you, sir? Would you care to join us for a little tea and entertainment?"

"Oh, I, uh…" Hadeya stammered. His cheeks flushed.

Duo, who was sitting next to Hadeya, flung an arm around the young man's shoulder. "My nephew is studying for the priesthood, Miss," he chuckled. "He'll have to decline the entertainment, but it wouldn't hurt him to visit. He can tag along with this gentleman." Duo grinned wickedly at Treize.

"Are you trying to get me in trouble?"

"Somebody has to supervise Hadeya."

"Heero can do it," Treize said.

"But then who would supervise Heero? You know how flustered he gets around women."

"Hey!"

Duo snickered. "But maybe you should go too, Heero. That one girl looks a little bit like you-know-who. Maybe practicing with a look-alike will make it easier when she finally gets into your pants."

Heero paled. "Don't say things like that!" He put a hand over his heart. "It gives me palpitations."

"Anyway, Wu-Fei can keep me company, so I think the three of you should go." Duo grinned at Quatre. "I know better than to suggest Trowa go."

"Damn right."

Trowa looked relieved.

"So it's settled!" the young woman said excitedly. "Come on over as soon as you're finished. We look forward to serving you," she concluded with a suggestive leer. She hurried back to her companions and the group quickly left.

Duo winked at Treize. "Have fun, now. Make me proud."

Treize hung his head. "You are determined to put me in the dog house with Zechs, aren't you?"

"It will just make him more possessive."

"Assuming he doesn't kill me."

"He would never do you any permanent harm. And scars are manly."

Treize groaned.

"Off you go!" Duo said brightly. "We'll baby-sit the kids. I'll teach Alexa how to play five card stud."

"Oh great! You send me to a brothel and then corrupt our child! Zechs _will_ kill me!"

"Quit whining!" Heero snarled. "If I have to go, you have to go! Come on, Hadeya, let's get this over with."

Hadeya blinked nervously. "Do I have to?"

"Yes!" Heero hauled the young man to his feet. "It'll be educational."

"But what if they want me to...?"

"You're a demigod, for crying out loud!" Heero whispered fiercely. "It's not like they can push you down and violate you."

"Although that can be fun when you're in the mood," Duo pointed out.

"You didn't say that when the blind duke's daughters were having their way with you," Quatre chuckled.

"That was different!"

"Oh?"

"Yes!"

"I see."

"Hmph!" Duo humphed. "Come on, kids. Let's go play cards."

"Ok!"

"Goody!"

Roku and Alexa grabbed Duo by either hand and escorted him from the dining room.

"Come on, Treize," Heero grumped. "Let's go."

"Can't we just skip it and tell Duo we went?"

"I think it would be better if you went," Trowa advised. "It will look suspicious if you don't go. We don't want to draw too much attention while we're here."

"I think we're already past that point," Quatre said dryly.

"Nevertheless…"

"Fine!" Treize snapped. "We'll go! But if this comes up tomorrow, you guys are going or Zechs won't speak to me until we get back to Mars."

Trowa, Quatre and Wu-Fei watched him trail morosely after Heero and Hadeya.

"He's just being silly," Wu-Fei said. "Zechs forgives him every time."

"Yes, but he has to earn that forgiveness with a lot of kissing and fondling," Quatre said.

"Zechs is no fool," Trowa chuckled. "He has Treize exactly where he wants him."

"Yeah," Quatre snickered, "right between his legs."


	6. Traveling by Train

Chapter 6: **Traveling by Train**

"I think if I had to spend one more day in this town I would go stark raving mad," Heero grumbled darkly. "These people are crazy."

"I think they're kind of fun," Duo commented.

"That's because you haven't been called out every other day for a duel with some idiot who thinks he knows how to handle a gun. When do we get to board the damn train?"

"Soon, I think," Treize replied.

They were standing on the wooden platform of the train station waiting for the call to board, along with dozens of other passengers.

Alexa clutched Zechs' hand and swung back and forth. "Will the train go very fast, Mommy?"

"Not really. A Gundam is faster."

"But I haven't been in a Gundam. Will you take me for a ride in a Gundam?"

"Uh… well…"

"Roku got to drive a Gundam! I want to drive a Gundam, too."

"That wasn't really a Gundam," Quatre said. "It was just an old mobile suit."

Alexa turned to Roku. "Did you put it in your storage space?"

Roku looked guilty. "Um… well…"

Quatre stared. "Don't tell me you put a mobile suit in your storage space!"

"Well, Mr. Rashid said they didn't need it anymore and that they were just going to get rid of it."

Quatre put a hand over his face. "I told you not to put a mobile suit in your storage space..."

"But they were just going to throw it away!"

"I can't believe you did that!"

"I made it smaller first. It hardly takes up any space at all."

"Does that really matter?" Duo wondered. "I mean, Roku's storage space is infinite, so what does it matter how many mobile suits he's got in there."

"Just tell me there's not more than one," Quatre groaned.

"Um…"

"Maybe we should drop it," Trowa suggested. "I think Quatre's getting a headache."

"My son is a kleptomaniac," Quatre muttered. "He must get that from Duo."

"Hey!"

"I think it's time to board," Wu-Fei interrupted loudly.

A conductor in the traditional long-sleeved white shirt, black vest and round hat with a small brim came walking down the platform. "All aboard!" he cried. "All aboard for San Francisco!"

"Yay!" Roku and Alexa squealed. They dashed for the nearest car and bounded up the steps. The rest of the group followed at a more sedate pace.

"Why, hello again!" a gentlemanly voice said as they were taking seats.

They all looked around to find Hieronymus Gree seated a few rows in front of them.

"Hey, you got away!" Duo exclaimed. "You must run fast."

Hieronymus tipped his hat. "A card player needs to have many talents in these dangerous times," he said with a wide grin. "Thankfully, your friend's gunplay convinced that fellow to move along, allowing me the opportunity to catch the train. I think my tastes and talents are better suited for a fine city like San Francisco."

"Take care not to be shanghaied," Treize said casually. "I understand that is a common problem in that city."

"I am by nature a careful man." Hieronymus eyed them curiously. "Are you traveling without luggage?"

"Oh!" Quatre flushed and tried to avoid glancing at Roku. "We pack very lightly. There's less stuff to lose that way." In fact, they had stuffed everything into Roku's storage space because that was easier. Even Quatre had agreed it made more sense than risking having their goods stolen on the train.

"Very light indeed," Hieronymus mused.

"Alexa, try not to fall out of the train," Zechs cautioned.

"I won't!" Alexa exclaimed, despite the fact that she had her head and shoulders stuck out the window and was leaning way out to stare along the platform. "I think we're going to leave soon! Everyone's in the train now."

"Good. So can you get back inside with the rest of us?"

"But I want to see it move! Did you know the little bars on the engine wheels chug back and forth and that's what makes them turn? But I don't see why they don't slip. It's just steel on steel."

"It's friction," Roku said wisely. He was leaning well out the neighboring window, also looking along the platform. "They do slip a little at first, though."

"All aboard!" the conductor shouted again and he clanged his bell loudly. In response, the engineer sounded a long blast on his steam whistle. Then he slowly engaged the clutch and there was a loud clunk. The train lurched forward as the wheels squealed loudly for a few seconds before they caught properly and began to turn. Then the train began to chug forward slowly, jerkily at first but then it smoothed out as it picked up speed.

"Yay! We're moving! We're moving!"

"Alexa, please don't jump up and down while leaning out the window."

"Yes, Mommy! But look! We're moving!"

"I can see that." Zechs sighed as the wind streaming by the window tangled Alexa's hair thoroughly. "I'm never going to get those tangles out."

"You should braid it," Duo advised. He nodded at Roku's thick braid, which was a copy of his own. "We never have a problem with tangles."

"But she looks so cute with the curls around her face."

"Cuteness has its price."

"So it would seem."

Alexa finally pulled her head back inside and plopped into Zechs' lap. "That was fun! How long will it take to get to San Francisco?"

"Several days, I imagine," Treize answered. "Possibly weeks. Although the trains have schedules, once they cross the plains and begin the climb into the Sierra Nevada, any number of delays can crop up."

"Does the train stop for potty breaks or do we go in the train?"

Zechs flushed. "What kind of question is that?"

"A very practical one," Trowa said. He patted Alexa's head. "There's a car with a hole in the floor where you can go."

"And you just potty on the tracks?" Alexa exclaimed, scandalized.

"It gets spread around."

"But… but…" Alexa's little cheeks turned pink. "I don't think I can do that! Maybe I'll just hold it until we get there."

"It could be a while."

"I'll go with you, Alexa," Duo volunteered. "Since we're both girls right now, we can do it together."

"I don't think I want Duo taking my little girl to the bathroom, even while he's a girl," Zechs muttered.

"But it's easy for you men," Duo sniffed haughtily. "You can just point it out the window and let fly. We females have to squat over something and I can appreciate Alexa's sensitivity."

"But the wind is blowing in the window, Papa Duo," Roku pointed out with a pensive look on his face. "If we pee out the window it will just blow back in."

"I was speaking figuratively!"

"Oh."

"I think I've had quite enough of this conversation!" Quatre interrupted.

"He's so prissy," Duo muttered.

"Having a sense of decency is not prissy!"

"You're awfully quiet, Hadeya," Wu-Fei said, obviously trying to change the subject. "Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing," Hadeya said quickly. His face turned red. "It's just that this conveyance seems… well… rather dangerous."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we're hurtling along on two skinny little rails and this train car is much taller than it is wide. If we go around a corner, it will tip over and we'll all be crushed."

"You certainly know how to take the charm out of train travel," Duo said dryly.

"Don't abuse my son!" Heero snapped. "He is simply pointing out some very practical flaws in the design of this train. In fact, there are limits to how fast it can safely go and damage to the tracks can be disastrous."

Alexa turned large worried eyes on Zechs. "Mommy, are we all going to die in a train crash?"

"No!" Zechs said pointedly. He glared at Heero and Hadeya. "Train travel is much safer than these two pessimists would have you believe. Isn't that right, Heero?"

"Um, yeah, right!" Heero managed a sickly grin. "Hadeya and I were just, ah, speculating. Trains are perfectly safe and fun, too!"

Treize suddenly yawned. "Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but the rocking is making me sleepy." He settled his head onto Zechs' shoulder. "Wake me when it's time for lunch."

"That's a good idea," Trowa agreed. He snuggled up against Quatre. "Nudge me if I get too heavy."

"I thought you liked him on top." Duo blinked innocently at Quatre.

"Don't start!"

One by one, the others all nodded off as the train chugged along, except for Roku and Alexa, who stuck their heads back out the window to watch the world go by, and Duo, who just looked bored. After a while, Hieronymus stood up and came down the aisle to Duo's seat.

"I was wondering, Miss, if you would care to join me?" Hieronymus tipped his hat politely and then used it to point down the aisle. "There is a private car at the end of the train where I believe a card game is being organized."

"Oh, really?" Duo's eyes lit up. "Perhaps I will." He got up and preceded Hieronymus down the aisle and out of the car.

Some time later, Heero woke up and looked around. He reached out and tugged on Roku's pant leg. "Hey Roku, where's Duo?"

Roku looked around and shrugged. "I don't know. He left a while ago."

Heero frowned. "He better not be getting into trouble somewhere."

"Papa Duo can take care of himself, even with a baby."

"Are you forgetting he let himself get kidnapped during the bank robbery?"

"He had a good excuse."

"Whatever."

Alexa pulled her head in. "He left with Mr. Hieronymus, Uncle Heero. I think they went to play cards."

Heero groaned. "Not again! I'm going to look for him. Did you see which way he went?"

Alexa pointed down the aisle and Heero marched away.

Roku grinned. "It's so cute how worried Papa Heero gets."

Alexa grinned too. "Yeah, it is. Can we have a snack now?"

"Sure." Roku produced several pieces of cold fried chicken, some bread and two bottles of Sarsaparilla. "I like this soda."

"Me, too."

They were just finishing when Zechs woke up. "Hey, did you eat without us?"

"We were hungry," Alexa said.

"You're always hungry."

"I'm still growing."

"No kidding. What do you have? I wouldn't mind some lunch about now." Zechs nudged Treize. "Wake up. It's time for lunch."

Treize opened his eyes and stretched. "Sounds good, although I was rather enjoying the dream I was having about you."

"You were dreaming about me?" Zechs purred. "What was I doing?"

Treize smiled and patted his cheek. "I can't tell you in front of the youngsters. Suffice it to say it has given me all kinds of ideas for later."

"That's sounds like a good dream."

"It was. What's for lunch?"

Soon the whole group was awake and munching on lunch.

"So where did Heero and Duo run off to?" Wu-Fei asked.

"Uncle Duo went to play cards with Mr. Hieronymus and Uncle Heero went to find him."

Quatre paled. "How long ago did Heero leave?"

"Fifteen or twenty minutes."

"More than long enough for him to have killed a bunch of people," Quatre groaned.

"Cut Heero some slack, Quatre," Trowa said. "Sometimes he just maims and dismembers."

"That's when he's using a sword. He has a gun, remember?"

"Good point."

Hadeya stood up. "I will go find him." He looked questioningly up and down the aisle. Alexa pointed with a greasy finger and he set off down the aisle toward the rear of the train. He opened the door to the exterior platform and stared at it in alarm. The chains and coupling connecting the two cars rattled and clanked alarmingly, shifting back and forth in a way that did not inspire confidence. He drew himself up and bravely prepared to step out onto the platform, but then the door in the next car opened to reveal Duo being prodded along by a grumpy-looking Heero.

Hadeya sighed in relief. "Father! Where have you been?"

"Dragging Duo out of a stupid card game!"

"They still had money left!" Duo exclaimed. "It's not right to quit a game when there are still people at the table with money." He plopped down in his seat and waved a wad of bills. "The man who owns the private car at the end of the train is rolling in it."

"You would be too if it wasn't all stuffed in Roku's storage space!" Quatre exclaimed. "How much money can you possibly need?"

"It's not a question of need," Duo said primly. "It's the process of accumulation that I find irresistible." He giggled. "Anyway, Mr. Jefferson, that's his name, proposed to me three times while we were playing. Horny bastard. I told him my two husbands would beat the crap out of him if he kept pestering me. And then Heero showed up looking ready to kick butt and take names. It was great!"

"You didn't kick his butt, did you?" asked Quatre.

"No!" Heero growled, sounding very much like he wished he had.

Duo patted his round tummy. "We're starving! What's for lunch?"

Roku produced more chicken, some sliced roast beef, more bread, some cheese, several apples and a bottle of red wine.

Other passengers eyed this apparently endless feast with open curiosity, but before anyone could muster up the courage to ask if they could share, the train whistle sounded several times in succession and the engineer threw on the brakes. Everyone in the car was thrown forward, amid shouts of alarm and startled cries of pain.

"Damnation!" Duo shouted from where he landed on top of Heero. "How is a body supposed to eat getting tossed around like that? And I'm pregnant, dammit!"

A sudden explosion of gunfire sent some passengers diving for cover and others dashing to the windows to see what was going on.

"It's a train robbery!" a woman screamed in fear. "We'll all be murdered!"

"Not likely!" Heero snarled. He snatched his gun from his holster and dove out the nearest window.

"Heero! Wait!" Wu-Fei shouted. He leaped out the window after Heero.

"The tracks are blocked up ahead!" a man cried out. "That's why the train stopped!"

"Great!" Treize stood up. "We have to clear the tracks. Zechs, Trowa and Hadeya come with me to clear the tracks. Duo and Quatre, go help Heero and Wu-Fei hold off the bandits. Roku, keep an eye on Alexa. Let's go!"

The four slated to clear the obstruction left the train through a window on the opposite side from the shooting. Duo and Quatre left through the rear door of the train car so that they could use the car's bulk for cover.

"I'm glad you're not nuts like Heero," Duo muttered. "Leaping out the window into raging gunfire is idiotic."

"But that's why we love him," Quatre replied absently. "Keep your head down."

"Should we go help them?" one of the passengers asked worriedly. "What if they can't get it clear?"

"I'm not going out there!" someone else replied. "I'm not risking getting my ass shot off!"

Alexa clung to Roku's hand. "I want to stay near Mommy!"

"Ok."

She and Roku slipped out the window and hurried after the team running to the obstruction at the front of the train. A jumble of large branches and small logs had been piled on the tracks and roped together with a chain that was also looped under the tracks where dirt had been dug away. Several meters away, Heero and Wu-Fei lay flat on the ground, shooting at an unknown number of bandits concealed behind rocks. Duo and Quatre were still crouched between the train cars.

"Alexa, stay out of sight!" Zechs called. He and the others began pulling at the branches to loosen them so the chain could be removed.

The bandits tried to shift around to shoot toward Zechs and the others, but they had not positioned themselves well. Clearly, they had not expected any resistance. Heero and Wu-Fei kept them pinned down while Quatre and Duo sprinted to cover farther from the train where they could catch the bandits in a cross-fire.

"We've almost got it," Treize grunted. He and Zechs together tugged a large branch free and the chain fell slack. Trowa and Hadeya immediately yanked on the chain from one side, pulling it clear of the tracks.

The engineer promptly engaged the clutch and with a screech of steel on steel, the train began to move.

"What the hell?!" Zechs exclaimed.

"Thank you, gentlemen!" a voice rang out. "Well done!" A man with flowing white hair and a neat little goatee waved at them from the window of the engine.

"Jefferson! You bastard!" Duo shouted. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Getting my money back, little lady!" Jefferson laughed. "Thank you so much for leaving the train."

"You son-of-a-bitch!" Duo jumped up and snatched the wad of bills from his pocket. "But MY money's not on the train, asshole!"

Jefferson's mouth fell open, but now the train was picking up speed and the engineer clearly had no intention of stopping. Zechs, Treize, Trowa and Hadeya all scattered to either side as the train plowed through what was left of the barricade. Roku and Alexa, who had been standing beside the engine, hurried to Treize and Zechs.

"Are you all right, Mommy?"

"I'm fine, dear. And I'm very glad now that you got off the train."

As the train pulled away, the bandits suddenly stopped shooting and ran for their horses. They galloped out of sight just as the last train car passed by.

"Well this is just great!" Duo complained. "We're stuck in the middle of nowhere with no transportation of any kind except our feet. This sucks!"

"We can follow the tracks," Treize said. "That will take us to the next town."

"That's true," Zechs agreed. "But we have no idea how far that is."

"I can fly ahead and look," Quatre said. "It would be better to know how far we have to go."

"Good idea. There's a bit of shade near where those bandits were hiding. We can wait there."

So Quatre shimmered into a bird and swooped off to check things out while the others settled in the shade to relax. He returned about an hour later.

"I didn't find the next town, but there's a native village about ten kilometers north of here. I imagine they would know where the nearest town is."

"Is that a good idea?" Wu-Fei asked. "Didn't the native people not get along well with the European settlers?"

"Some did and some didn't," Duo said. "Maybe we'll get lucky. I think we should check it out."

"Why is it that most of our journeys seem haphazard?" Wu-Fei muttered under his breath. "Has anything ever gone according to plan?"

"I'm sure something must have," Trowa chuckled. "Let me think about it."

"I think it's more fun when stuff just happens, Papa Wu-Fei."


	7. Hanging with the Natives

_Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. We've gone into total crisis mode at work and I've been working so hard I've barely had time to write or I've been too tired. The next update may be a little slow too, for the same reason. I don't see the crisis resolving until later this month. It really sucks. Quite honestly, I'd rather be writing. If it had a steady paycheck in it, I'd bail in a heartbeat._

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Chapter 7: **Hanging with the Natives**

They had not quite reached the native village, which was comprised of several conical hide teepees, when they were accosted by a group of men riding bareback on tall brown and white ponies. Brandishing short spears and howling threateningly, they surrounded the group and forced them to a halt. Alexa immediately climbed into Zechs' arms.

"You are trespassing, strangers!" one of the natives declared in a loud voice. He had red stripes painted on his cheeks and his long dark hair was braided with a strip of leather and a few feathers. His chest, arms and legs were bare and only a short leather skirt kept him from being completely naked. Most of the other men were dressed similarly, although a few were wearing leather pants.

"Excuse us," Trowa replied graciously. He lifted the staff from around his chest and straightened it deftly. Then he clasped it in one hand and leaned on it. "We were left behind by the train and are seeking the next town where it stops."

The natives' eyes widened in excitement at the sight of Trowa's staff.

"Are you a shaman?" the one who had spoken before asked eagerly. "You are welcome in our village! Please come with us." He turned his horse and started toward the teepees. The other riders also beckoned eagerly, wide smiles splitting their painted cheeks.

Trowa grinned. "I thought that might impress them."

As they neared the village, a couple of riders kicked their horses to a gallop and rode ahead, shouting excitedly about the arrival of a shaman. People immediately dropped whatever they were doing and rushed to meet the newcomers. Three people emerged from the largest teepee, their shoulders draped with feathered cloaks. The lead rider swung down before these three and pointed back at the approaching group.

"This man is a shaman!" he exclaimed. "He carries a magic staff!"

The three regarded Trowa with reserved expressions. The oldest of the three spoke in a deep voice.

"Show us what powers you have, Shaman," he said gravely.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea to summon a spirit here," Quatre murmured. "Native Americans are very spiritual, I believe, so this area could be quite thick with them."

"I'll ask," Trowa said. He quickly folded the staff so that it sagged back into its snake form and wrapped it around his arm so that the head rose from the back of his wrist. "Staff, what spirits do you sense?" he hissed.

"There is a buffalo spirit watching over this village," the staff replied, its forked tongue flickering as it spoke.

The natives watched this display in wide-eyed wonder.

"Your village is blessed with the protection of a buffalo spirit," Trowa announced.

A flurry of excited talk sprang up and the three elders nodded slowly.

"That is so," said the eldest. "I am Speaks-with-the-Wind. It is my duty to invoke our guardian spirit in times of need." He pointed at the man who had first spoken to them. "This is my son, Runs-like-the-Wind. He is chief of this village. You are welcome here."

"Thank you," Trowa replied.

A young man whose flowing hair hung loose to his waist stepped close to peer curiously at Duo. "Are you bound?" he asked eagerly.

"Bound? What do you mean?"

"Have you a husband?"

Duo pointed at his stomach. "You see this, right?"

The young man nodded. "That means you're fertile. A fertile wife is a good thing. So if you're not bound, I would like to demonstrate my worthiness as a potential husband to you."

A faint growl emanated from the general direction of Heero.

Duo crossed his arms. "Sorry, fellah, but I've got husbands enough already."

"But perhaps I would make a better husband. I'm very strong!" The young man straightened up and flexed his muscles.

Duo's eyes went a little soft at the sight of the young man's rippling abs and toned biceps.

"I'm better than he is!" another young man immediately called out and he stepped forward to flaunt his buffed and toned anatomy.

Duo's mouth started to drop open.

Heero's growl got noticeably louder. He stepped forward and clamped a hand firmly on Duo's elbow. "You heard the woman," he grated. "She has a husband."

"You look kind of scrawny," the first young man said, eyeing Heero carefully. "Maybe I should challenge you for the woman."

"You can try."

"This could get ugly," Treize remarked.

Roku choose that particular moment to shift into his tiger form, walk around in between Heero and the native, and sit down with his tail wrapped neatly around his paws. He gaped a huge yawn, briefly displaying all of his long, sharp, white teeth.

Dead silence fell while every eye in the village fixed on the young tiger. Then every native, from the eldest to the smallest, dropped to their knees and bowed their heads.

"Blessed spirit!" Speaks-with-the-Wind cried out. "Thank you for walking amongst us. We did not know these people were your servants."

"They're not my servants," Roku said matter-of-factly. "They're my family."

"Then you are all blessed spirits!" Speaks-with-the-Wind exclaimed. He climbed stiffly to his feet, assisted by his son. "Let us offer you our hospitality."

"Wait a minute!" Another man pushed his way forward, an irritated frown on his face. "The shaman said they came in the iron monster. Why would blessed spirits travel in that?" He folded his arms across his chest and glared triumphantly at the visitors.

Speaks-with-the-Wind bit his lip worriedly. "Falls-from-Horse speaks validly. A blessed spirit would not need to travel in the iron monster of the crazy white men."

"That's true," Trowa agreed, "but we are not all blessed spirits. Some of us must walk like any other man and we are fortunate that our son chooses to set his pace to ours."

Speaks-with-the-Wind accepted this with a nod and turned back to Falls-from-Horse. "That makes sense."

Falls-from-Horse just glared and stomped away.

"You must forgive Falls-from-Horse," Runs-like-the-Wind said. "His temper has not been good since he was named."

"Well, I have to say his name is not very flattering," Trowa acknowledged. "How did he come to be called that?"

Runs-like-the-Wind grinned. "He kept falling off his pony when he was learning to ride. After about the tenth time, he was given that name by his father, who had become quite exasperated."

"I see."

"What are your people called?" Wu-Fei asked.

"We are human beings," Runs-like-the-Wind answered promptly, "but we are called Cheyenne by outsiders."

Now that they had been accepted, the natives crowded around eagerly. Curious hands reached out to stroke Roku's fur, and young and old alike giggled when he licked their fingers with his rough tongue.

A young woman near Zechs patted Alexa's tangled brown curls and smiled. "Your daughter is very pretty," she said. "I have wished for a daughter, but all I have are sons." She gazed intently at Zechs. "You are pretty enough to be a woman, but I think you are a man, yes?"

"Yes, I am a man," Zechs answered patiently.

Her eyes twinkled mischievously. "Perhaps you could give me a pretty daughter like this one!"

"You had better not let your husband here you say that, Running-Water," another woman laughed. "He's proud of his three sons."

"And well he should be," Running-Water agreed. "They are all fine boys. But I would like to be proud of a daughter too!"

"Then you should have married Falls-from-Horse. He has sired nothing but daughters."

"Who wants a man who can't even stay on a horse properly!" a third woman chuckled.

"Now be kind, Light-as-a-Cloud," Running-Water said. "He hasn't fallen from his pony since he was ten."

"My husband has never fallen from his pony," Light-as-a-Cloud said proudly.

"That's because he isn't tall enough to get on one!" the second woman guffawed.

This brought a chorus of laughter, along with more comments about what else was short on Light-as-a-Cloud's husband, while her face got redder and redder.

"My husband is a good man and a good provider!" she exclaimed finally and flounced off in a huff.

"You should not tease Light-as-a-Cloud so, Blue-Feather," Running-Water said.

"She needs to be taken down a notch or two every once in a while," Blue-Feather said with a toss of her long braids. "She's a little too proud that her husband is Runs-like-the-Wind's brother."

Zechs and Alexa had listened to this exchange in silence, but now Alexa spoke up.

"Mommy can't make a baby with you Miss Running-Water. He's already married to Daddy." She pointed at Treize.

Running-Water and Blue-Feather both turned to stare at Treize, fairly radiating his masculinity. Then they looked back at Zechs, who had already owned up to his manhood.

"Oh, you're those kind of men," Running-Water said with a nod. "It's good luck to have your kind in a village. It makes women more fertile."

"In that case," Zechs muttered, "there should be an explosion of births next year."

"Hush," Treize murmured.

"Well, at the very least I hope you will accept meat from me during the celebration," Running-Water said. "Perhaps the good luck will rub off and my man will give me a daughter."

"I would be honored," Zechs said graciously.

"What's that about a celebration?" Duo interrupted.

"Such important visitors to our village must be celebrated," Blue-Feather said. "A shaman alone would be worth celebrating, but to be visited by an animal spirit is a joyous event. We will have three days of dancing and feasting to thank the spirits for this blessing."

Duo's eyes began to glow. "Three days of feasting? Will there be games too?"

"Oh yes!" Running-Water said. "There will be foot races and wrestling matches. This will be a chance for the men to impress their future wives." She winked at Duo. "If you're looking to change husbands, now's your chance. You should see the very best our village has to offer."

"She doesn't need a new husband!" Heero snapped. He glared at Running-Water darkly, but Running-Water lifted a skeptical eyebrow.

"He seems young and, well, a bit small. Is he really a good husband?" she said to Duo.

Duo grinned. "He's got it where it counts, Running-Water!"

"Heero looks a bit miffed," Quatre noted. "He was never this protective when Duo was a guy."

"Yeah," agreed Wu-Fei. "I didn't know he had such a wide gallant streak."

Duo looped his arm through Heero's. "I'm not trading in this gem," he said airily. "He's way too cute."

"Don't call me cute!" Heero grumbled. But he looked ever so slightly less annoyed.

"I'm hungry, Mommy," Alexa announced abruptly.

"Me too!" Roku chimed in.

"Build up the cooking fires!" Speaks-with-the-Wind exclaimed. He raised his hands. "Bring out the best meats and the finest corn meal! Tonight we celebrate!"

Woops of delight rang out on all sides and everyone got to work. All manner of wild game, including thick buffalo steaks, were prepared over open fires. Flatbread made from ground corn was baked on hot rocks. Juicy cactus shoots were placed in shallow clay pots to simmer in water and spices. And while the women cooked, the men rushed to adorn themselves with bright paint and feathered headdresses, leggings and capes for dancing. In no time at all, a rollicking party was at hand.

Since Roku stayed in tiger form, he was presented with an entire buffalo shank for his supper. Eagerly, Roku clamped into the half-cooked meat with his sharp claws and proceeded to rip it apart with his teeth.

Quatre sighed mournfully. "Just when I thought he was starting to become a civilized human being, he reverts to a savage beast."

"He _was_ born a tiger," Trowa noted.

"It's your fault anyway," Duo said absently as he wolfed down an entire roast pheasant.

"My fault?!"

"You could have pushed him out while you were still human and then he would have been born human."

Quatre glowered at Duo balefully.

"I'm sure I'll do much better," Duo continued blissfully.

Dark storm clouds started to form over Quatre's head. Little flickers of lightning rippled across their surfaces. The natives sitting nearest to Quatre began to back away nervously.

"But then I'm just naturally good at anything I try," Duo concluded. He smiled brightly at Quatre.

A bolt of lightning jetted from above Quatre's head, accompanied by a tiny rumble of thunder.

"This display is most unnatural," Speaks-with-the-Wind finally spoke up. "Is the young man with yellow hair by chance a god?"

"I wouldn't say that," Trowa said quickly. He reached out and grasped Quatre by the arm. "But he does have one or two unusual talents. Quatre, calm down. You're starting to freak people out."

Quatre scowled at Trowa, but the clouds began to dissipate. "Sorry," he grunted. "Sometimes that just happens." He glared at Duo. "Usually when Duo's involved."

"Who, me?"

Heero had been sitting very close to Duo in utter silence all this time. Suddenly, he started and a look of complete dismay crossed his face. "Oh great!"

"What's wrong?" Wu-Fei asked.

Heero just covered his face with one hand. Wu-Fei looked around. A pair of little green eyes blinked back at him from the darkness beyond the firelight.

"Is that a sprite?"

"Don't say it!" Heero groaned.

Everyone turned to look and now several pairs of green eyes could be seen glittering in the darkness.

"I was hoping they wouldn't find me," Heero complained.

"Well, they have," Wu-Fei stated.

"What is that?" Runs-like-the-Wind asked nervously. "Those are not the eyes of any animal I know."

"They're sprites," Trowa said. "They are minor spirits who have an affinity for our friend here."

"Are they dangerous?" Runs-with-the-Wind looked like he was trying to figure out how to fight an unknown enemy.

"Not really. They like to play tricks on people, but otherwise, they're harmless."

"Tricks? Like snapping a bowstring or dulling a knife?"

"Exactly."

Runs-like-the-Wind's lips twitched. "That's funny." He leaned closer and lowered his voice. "Could they make Falls-from-Horse fall off his pony? That would be really funny."

"I'm sure they could."

"How does one speak to them?" Runs-like-the-Wind gazed at the little green eyes.

"Well, if they decide they like you, they'll nip you and after that you can talk to them." Trowa nodded at Heero. "Our friend there was marked some time ago and the sprites have been following him around ever since."

"Is that all?" Runs-like-the-Wind stood up and marched resolutely toward the sprites. The little spirits scattered as he neared them and Runs-like-the-Wind sighed. "Perhaps they don't like me."

Heero started as a single sprite abruptly appeared right next to him. "What are you doing, Man with Many Faces?"

"Eating dinner," Heero growled.

The sprite pointed at Duo. "Why is he female? He used to be male."

"Ask him," Heero nodded toward Quatre. "He did it."

But the sprite continued to peer at Duo. "Did he want to be female?"

"He must have. He sure as hell was asking for it at the time."

"I was not!" Duo exclaimed. "Quatre just overreacted, as usual."

"I did not either overreact!"

"So the storm clouds just now are an everyday occurrence?"

"They are when you're as short-tempered as Quatre," Wu-Fei whispered.

"I heard that!"

"Anyway," Duo continued, "there's nothing wrong with being female." He winked at the sprite. "Which are you?"

The sprite blinked back at him round-eyed. "Both and neither."

"I'm not sure if that's good or bad," Duo chuckled. "Either they're self-entertaining or they never get any."

Runs-like-the-Wind squatted down in front of the sprite. "Little spirit, I would like to be your friend."

The sprite's eyes twinkled. "The Swift Man wishes to be marked?"

Heero shook his head furiously, but Runs-like-the-Wind quickly nodded. The sprite promptly jumped forward and nipped Runs-like-the-Wind's forearm.

"Ouch!" Runs-like-the-Wind clapped his other hand over the small wound, but he was grinning broadly. He pointed at Falls-from-Horse, who was sitting some distance away studiously not enjoying himself. "Do you see that man there? Next time he mounts his pony, make him fall off."

The sprite giggled and vanished.

"You have no idea what you've just done," Heero groaned. "They will never leave you alone."

Runs-like-the-Wind giggled as brightly as the sprite. "But think how funny it will be! I can't wait until tomorrow!" He jumped to his feet and stamped away to join the dancers, his body dipping and swaying in time with the drums.

"He's supposed to be the chief of this tribe?" Hadeya spoke up for the first time. "He seems much too… like Loki."

"He does seem a tad mischievous for a leader," Treize agreed. "But perhaps his true strengths come out in battle."

Speaks-with-the-Wind sighed. "You are quite right, I must confess. My son is a good leader in battle and a fearsome fighter. But when we are not fighting, he is more trouble than a young child. His wife, Calm-Heart, must frequently rein him in. She is a good and patient woman."

"With an emphasis on patient, I think," Hadeya murmured.

"You haven't complained about the food once, Wu-Fei," Duo said abruptly. "And you're just eating it and everything."

"The flatbread is quite good," Wu-Fei replied, "and the simmered cactus melts in your mouth. Or at least it would if you weren't sucking it down like water." He grinned. "But I must say, this might be some of the best food we've had so far on one of our trips."

"Really?" Duo stared. "You don't think the meat's a little undercooked and gamey?"

"Well…" Wu-Fei flushed. "I might have been cooking it a little bit more myself before I eat it."

"Huh?"

"He's been breathing fire on it inside his mouth," Alexa reported. "You can see the smoke trickling out of the corners of his mouth when he does it."

Wu-Fei turned beet red. "You noticed that?!"

"Yeah. So did they." Alexa calmly pointed at a group of children who were all staring at Wu-Fei and whispering among themselves.

"Oh dear!"

"Don't worry about it," Duo chuckled. "After Quatre's storm clouds, a little smoke coming out of the mouth probably seems normal."

Just then, Runs-like-the-Wind danced over to them. "Come, my friends! Join us! The stars have come out, so now it is time to dance in honor of the night spirits so they will know we are not afraid. On your feet! Dance!"

Resolutely, the Gundam pilots climbed to their feet, except for Heero, who scrunched down where he was sitting.

"I'm not dancing!" Heero growled.

"Didn't you dance with Relena once?" Duo asked innocently.

Heero glared at him.

"Go on and dance," Duo nudged him. "It won't kill you to do something for no reason except to have fun."

Heero crossed his arms and frowned. "But it doesn't serve any purpose."

Duo leaned toward him and whispered pointedly, "Some might say that sex between two men serves no purpose."

Heero paled.

"Maybe Wu-Fei and I should leave you to do purposeful things like hack into computers and stuff."

Heero scrambled to his feet. "Fine! I'll dance." He stomped away to join the rest, who were already swaying with the native men in wild abandon.

"Aren't you going to dance, Uncle Duo?"

"Not while I'm a girl, Alexa. When the women start dancing, then you and I can join in."

"Ok." Alexa sat down next to Duo and leaned against his side, yawning hugely.

"Getting sleepy?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it has been kind of a long day. The train robbery was excitement enough. Getting stranded and ending up at a party was not how I thought the day would end."

"It's fun, though," Alexa said sleepily. "It is better when stuff just happens."


	8. Sprites, Ponies and Civilization

_Gomen! Work has been sucking up my life like some horrible leech and I have not had any time to write! But finally, I have managed to produce a chapter. I think things will start to wind down now a little and I will start to have more free time again. I will try to do better!_

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Chapter 8: **Sprites, Ponies and the Road to Civilization**

"It sure was nice of Speaks-with-the-Wind to let us stay in their lodge," Quatre said. "It was starting to get cool last night."

"After the displays of some members of our party," Treize said, "I think he believes we are all gods traveling incognito, so who better to have staying in the lodge were you commune with spirits?"

Quatre frowned slightly. "That thunderstorm was an accident! Ever since I accidentally called up that storm on Mount Olympus, the stupid things keep appearing whenever I'm feeling vexed."

"Well, it's getting to be as bad as Wu-Fei here shooting fire across the room whenever he sneezes," Heero snorted. "You need to learn to control that."

"I'm working on it," Quatre grumbled.

"I haven't shot fire at anyone on accident for a long time!" Wu-Fei protested.

"That's a good thing," Treize noted. "Even though this lodge is their largest dwelling, we're still packed in here like sardines."

The door flap flopped open and Runs-like-the-Wind stuck his head in. "Are you awake? We're going hunting to get more food for the feast." A wide grin split his face. "Falls-from-Horse is going too!" He disappeared, leaving the door flap open.

"That means he has to get on his horse," Duo chuckled. "Let's go watch!" He scrambled to his feet and started picking his way towards the entrance, stepping over, mostly, the closely packed bodies.

"Watch where you're stepping!" Zechs muttered. "We're not all awake yet."

"You shouldn't have stayed up so late dancing," said Duo. "Your daughter and I went to bed at a sensible hour."

"Yeah, Mommy, get up!" Alexa flopped across Zechs' stomach, making him grunt.

"Alexa!" Zechs groaned. "You weigh a ton!"

"I do not!" Alexa sat up, planted her little hands firmly on Zechs' side, and began rolling him back and forth. "Wake up! Wake up! Running-Water said they would make corn cakes with honey for breakfast and then we could go pick cactus berries. Get up!"

"Ugh!" Zechs groaned. "All right! All right! I'm up." He sat up, scrubbing a hand across his face. "I need a bath."

"We all do," Treize agreed, "but unless you favor skinny-dipping in a stream with most of the women in the village probably watching us, it will have to wait."

"I smell meat," Roku announced and he bounded out through the door flap.

"Oh boy!" Alexa squealed and she zipped out behind him.

"I thought she was looking forward to honey cakes," Zechs sighed.

"Our daughter looks forward to food," Treize remarked, "and she's about as picky as Duo."

"That's why she will live long and thrive," Duo said sagely and he departed through the door flap after the kids.

Hadeya stood up. "Father, should you not be looking after Uncle Duo in case men start affronting him again?"

Heero frowned and rolled to his feet. "Yeah," he growled and glided out with Hadeya on his heels.

Trowa chuckled. "I was about to say the same thing just to bait Heero."

"But it's funnier when Hadeya says it because he's serious," Wu-Fei said.

"Come on," Quatre said. "We're leaving Duo and our kids alone with the food. We'll starve."

The rest of them filed out through the door flap into bright morning sunlight, where Speaks-with-the-Wind greeted them with a bow.

"Good morning, honored guests. Did you rest well?"

"Very well, thank you," Trowa replied.

Speaks-with-the-Wind pointed to where a group of men and ponies was assembled. "My son is about to lead a hunting party and they are waiting for my blessing." He bowed his head to Trowa. "I was hoping you would also say a prayer for their success."

"I would be glad to," Trowa answered, also with a slight bow.

They walked over to the hunters and Speaks-with-the-Wind raised his arms. "Mighty hunters!" he cried. "May the wind favor your spears so they fly straight and true!"

Trowa removed his staff from around his chest and straightened it, lifting it up over his head. "May the senses of your pray be dulled!"

"That's not much of a prayer," Wu-Fei whispered to Quatre.

"Maybe it's the best he can do on short notice," Quatre whispered back.

"It's very practical, under the circumstances," Treize interjected in a soft voice.

"But it doesn't sound very spiritual!" Wu-Fei objected.

"They're going hunting, not on a vision quest," Zechs drawled.

The hunters began mounting their ponies. Suddenly, one pony squealed in surprise and jumped sharply to the side, dumping its unprepared rider unceremoniously into the dust. An explosion of laughter was punctuated by Runs-like-the-Wind's raucous shout.

"What's that, Falls-from-Horse? Living up to your name?"

Falls-from-Horse scrambled to his feet, his face flushed with fury and embarrassment. He grabbed his pony's lead and yanked the animal's head around. Cursing the animal soundly, he pinched its ear before grabbing a handful of mane and attempting to leap onto its back again. The pony squealed again and jumped away. Falls-From-Horse was left dangling with one knee hooked over the creature's back and a handful of mane. He hung there precariously for a second or two and then slowly slid off the side, landing once more in a heap on the ground.

Runs-like-the-Wind doubled over as Falls-From-Horse leaped to his feet and grabbed for his pony again. "Wait, Falls-from-Horse!" he cried. "Give me a moment before you try that again or I may fall off my pony!"

"Shut up!" Falls-from-Horse shouted. "My pony is just made skittish by all these strangers!"

"Just yours?" another man smirked.

"If you can't stay on," Runs-like-the-Wind gasped through his laughter, "you'll have to stay behind."

"I can stay on my pony!" Falls-from-Horse screamed, making the aforementioned pony roll its eyes in alarm. Falls-from-Horse leaped onto his pony again, this time landing squarely on the creature's back. But once there, he grabbed a firm fistful of mane before planting his heels into the animal's sides. "Let's go!"

"To the hunt!" Runs-like-the-Wind cried and the hunting party galloped away.

"Let's go get some breakfast," Quatre reminded them.

They joined the others near the large cooking fires that had been used the night before, where a community breakfast was being produced. One of the women was complaining bitterly as she expertly fried plump corn cakes.

"Those men should not tease my husband so!" she exclaimed angrily. "He is the best hunter in the village!"

"No one questions his skills, Breeze-at-Dawn," another woman replied soothingly.

"Just his ability to stay on a pony!" Blue-Feather quipped.

"Do you see, Calm-Heart?!" Breeze-at-Dawn complained. "My poor husband is the butt of every joke!"

"She has a point," Treize murmured.

"But you should not take it to heart, Breeze-at-Dawn," Calm-Heart replied, well, calmly. "You know your husband's true qualities. Reflect on those when you hear others belittle him. And I will speak to my husband," she added in a slightly firmer tone.

Duo blanched. He leaned toward Trowa and whispered, "Do not let her calm demeanor fool you! That is one dangerous woman."

Trowa nodded. "Miss Breeze-at-Dawn," he said, "although your husband has little trust in us, I would nevertheless be glad to speak to his pony regarding its behavior. Perhaps I can soothe its skittishness."

Breeze-at-Dawn's eyes went round. "You can speak to animals, Shaman?"

"Yes, I can," Trowa acknowledged. "But I think you will need to intercede with your husband for me."

"I will do that!" Breeze-at-Dawn replied immediately, her face brightening. "Perhaps then my husband will lose his distrust of you."

"So we will all benefit."

"You are generous to offer of your powers, Shaman," Speaks-with-the-Wind said. "Such a trivial matter…"

"It's not trivial when it's happening to you," Trowa answered. "I sympathize with Falls-from-Horse."

"You notice how Breeze-at-Dawn never refers to her husband by name?" Zechs murmured to Treize.

"It is an embarrassing name," Treize murmured back.

When breakfast was over and the women had cleaned up, Running-Water approached the group.

"Who would like to pick cactus berries with us?"

"Me!" Alexa squealed. She popped to her feet with one arm stuck in the air. "I would like to go!"

"Me, too!" Roku stood up on his hind legs and waggled his paws in the air.

Running-Water laughed. "All right, you two! Anyone else?"

"I'll go," Wu-Fei said.

"I would like to go as well," Hadeya added shyly. "I am curious to learn what cactus berries are."

"Very good eating!" Running-Water said with a grin. "That's what they are. But you are all more than welcome. The more hands we have, the more we can bring back. I'll get extra skins to carry them in."

While she and Calm-Heart went to find the carry-bags, Duo eyed Quatre speculatively.

"You're not going to object to the kids going off by themselves into unknown country?" he inquired innocently.

"We just walked though it! It's perfectly safe."

"That's true," Trowa agreed absently. "I only heard a few rattlesnakes and scorpions on the way here."

"You heard what?!" Zechs suddenly sat up straight.

"Oh! Um…" Trowa stammered. "I'm sure it was only one or maybe two…"

"One or maybe two what?" Zechs demanded. "You never said anything about there being poisonous animals under our feet while we were out there!"

"Suck it up, Zechs!" Heero growled. "You're a Gundam pilot for crying out loud. Rattlesnakes aren't that poisonous. So you experience a little swelling. Big deal."

"And many scorpion species aren't particularly poisonous at all," Wu-Fei added helpfully.

"Being bitten or stung by something is not the best way to determine if one has a tolerance for the venom," Zechs stated. He glared at Trowa. "So I want details, please."

Trowa grinned sheepishly. "I wasn't really counting them or anything. I just overheard a few rattlesnakes discussing us as we went by and there were a couple of scorpions who complained that we almost stepped on them. That was all."

"We almost stepped on scorpions?!"

"Just the one time."

"Maybe you didn't want the details," Treize suggested gently.

Zechs rounded on him. "Have you forgotten what happened on that exercise that time?"

"But this is a different continent!" Treize objected. "They don't have any of those here."

"Try telling me that when a doctor has to pull out something sharp and spiny that's crawled up into your…"

"Yes! I remember!" Treize interrupted loudly.

"But not before the thing's bitten you in the…"

"Those are details I'm sure no one needs!"

"And then it swells up on you…"

"That's enough, Zechs!"

Zechs subsided, grumbling darkly to himself.

"There should be nothing to worry about, Zechs," Quatre said. "Roku's in tiger form, so I'm sure nothing dangerous, even a small thing like a scorpion, will take them unawares."

"Won't Roku have to change to human form to pick berries?" Zechs said acidly.

"Um… well…"

"I'll still hear the scorpions, Uncle Zechs. But if it will make you feel better, I'll put a stay away spell around us to keep them away."

Zechs smiled magnificently at Roku. "Thank you, Roku. That does make me feel better." He turned an arch glare on Treize. "And I am not being silly. You didn't see the size of the thing the doctor pulled out of my…"

"But I heard about it!" Treize interrupted quickly. He shifted closer to Zechs and put his lips next to Zechs' ear. "Tell you what. Since this has brought back bad memories for you, next time we're alone, I'll lick that place until you can't remember anything but my tongue being there. How's that?"

Zechs' eyes softened. "Oh! I think…" He licked his lips slowly. "I think that would definitely help me forget."

Wu-Fei leaned toward Duo. "Ok, now I want to know what they're talking about. You know, don't you?"

Duo's cheeks were rather flushed. "Ain't sayin'!" he said breathlessly.

Wu-Fei edged closer and lowered his voice. "I know all your weaknesses, Duo Maxwell. I'll just start exploiting them until you tell me." He lifted his eyebrows at Duo. "After all, I can still indulge one of your favorite pastimes."

Duo gasped. "You keep those naughty thoughts inside your own head, Chang Wu-Fei!"

Fortunately for Duo, Running-Water and Calm-Heart returned at that moment.

"Here we go," Running-Water exclaimed brightly. She passed out the hide bags with laced sides. "This should be enough. Everyone ready?"

"Yes, ma'am!" Alexa and Roku cried in unison.

Wu-Fei patted Duo's hand. "We'll take this up later," he promised. Then he, Alexa, Roku and Hadeya left the village in the company of Running-Water, Blue-Feather, Calm-Heart and a few other women.

They had only been gone moments when Duo suddenly yelped.

"What's the matter?" Heero demanded instantly.

"Something kicked me!" Duo exclaimed. He yelped again. "There it is again!"

Quatre and Zechs both rolled there eyes.

"Good lord, Duo!" Quatre exclaimed. "Can you get any more dense? It's the baby. They do that, you know."

"She probably would prefer you didn't jam so much food down there that she can't move around," Zechs added. "Eating for two is more of a saying than a practice, you know."

Duo squirmed. "Well, how long does this go on? Her aim is too damn good. I've got kidneys and stuff in that spot she's river dancing on."

"Welcome to the joys of pregnancy!" Quatre said wickedly. "And after this there's the delivery. Does anyone else remember someone saying he thought he'd come through that with flying colors?"

"I do." Trowa held up his hand and blinked innocently at Duo.

"You want me to suffer!" Duo pouted.

"Maybe just a little."

"That's so mean!" Duo's lip quivered. He turned to Heero. "They're picking on me, hubby. Beat them up."

Heero frowned. "Don't call me hubby."

"Will you beat them up if I promise not to?"

"No."

Duo stuck his lower lip out. "Fine! I'm going to go flirt with other men." He pushed to his feet and waddled away.

"Is it just me or has Duo gotten a lot fatter recently?" Treize asked.

"I think you're right," Quatre agreed. "The baby probably went through a growth spurt."

"How much longer do you think it will be before the baby arrives?"

"Hard to say," Quatre mused. "The pregnancy acceleration is a little indeterminate. I don't think he'll give birth in the next few weeks, but if the baby has another growth spurt, it could probably happen any time after that."

"And how soon after that will he turn back into a guy?" Heero demanded. "Duo is easier to take as a guy." He looked to where Duo was chatting up a pair of gangling youths who were trying very hard to look more mature. "Geez!" he muttered and rose to his feet. "He's such an idiot!" Heero marched off purposefully to interrupt Duo's fun.

"He is so over-protective!" Quatre laughed.

"Yeah, no one else in this group has ever acted like that," Trowa said with a straight face.

Quatre stopped in mid-chuckle. "I am not amused," he said haughtily.

Speaks-with-the-Wind appeared in the company of the other two elders.

"Shaman," Speaks-with-the-Wind addressed himself to Trowa, "we were hoping you might wish to join us for a spirit-walk in the lodge. Since you are so attuned to the spirits, we thought your presence might be helpful."

"A spirit-walk?"

"Yes. We will smoke cactus weed and seek guidance from the unseen world around us."

"I remember cadets doing that back at the academy," Treize whispered to Zechs, "but I don't think they called it a spirit-walk."

"And the weed they were smoking didn't come from a cactus," Zechs whispered back.

"Hush!" Quatre murmured.

Trowa inclined his head. "I am honored by your invitation. I will be glad to join you." He left with the elders and entered the lodge.

Quatre looked around. "I think I'm going to drift away from the village and go scout around. I'll look for the next train stop. I should be back by sundown."

Treize and Zechs watched him walk away.

"Well now," Treize murmured into Zechs' ear. "If we weren't surrounded by people, I would suggest something completely indecent right now."

Zechs smiled. "Suggest away. Maybe one of the women will offer us the use of her teepee so that our good luck will rub off on her blankets and enhance her fertility."

Treize's eyes sparkled. "I hadn't thought of that. There are some women over there. Let's go drop some hints." He looped his arm around Zechs' waist and led him toward the group.

In the end, they were forced, to phrase it delicately, to service several women's teepees, because a number of women were hoping to become pregnant. Sunset found Treize and Zechs slumped near the cooking fires, utterly exhausted but really satisfied.

Quatre found them there when he returned, rubbing his shoulders tiredly. "Man, flying is hard work," he complained.

"Did you find anything?"

"Yeah. I followed the tracks to the next town. It's probably three or four days walk from here, but if we can convince the natives to take us part way on their ponies, we could probably get there in a couple of days. Where's Trowa?"

"Still in the lodge, I think," Zechs replied.

"He's been smoking weed all day?!"

"Well, to be honest, we don't know," Treize admitted. "We've been kind of busy."

"Doing what?"

"Well…" Treize flushed slightly.

"Helping plan for the future of the village," Zechs said.

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

"So where are the kids?"

"Oh… uh…" Treize looked around quickly. "Over there!" He pointed, trying to make it look like he had known all along.

Quatre looked where he was pointing. The village was situated near a natural spring and the party which had gone berry picking was clustered nearby, carefully cleaning and washing the berries.

"Oh look!" someone called out. "The hunters are back!"

Everyone hurried to meet them, calling out greetings and asking about their luck.

"Our luck was good!" Runs-like-the-Wind announced proudly. "We brought down three buffalo. Tonight we eat well."

The hunters had cleaned the carcasses in the field, so the hides were turned over to the women so they could be stretched and prepared for curing. Bones were set aside to dry so they could be made into tools. Some of the meat was put into the smoking ovens and the rest was spitted for roasting. Dinner preparations were in full swing when the elders and Trowa finally emerged from the lodge.

Trowa looked green. He tottered unsteadily up to Quatre and leaned heavily on his shoulder. "Don't ever let me do that again!" he groaned.

"Did you have visions?"

"First tell me what the difference is between visions and hallucinations." Trowa hung his head. "I'm going to be sick."

Roku padded over and touched Trowa's hand with his nose. "You smell really funny, Papa Trowa."

"Can you make Papa Trowa feel better, Roku?" Quatre asked.

"Sure." Roku whispered something in Latin and licked Trowa's hand.

Trowa immediately perked up. "I say! That's incredible!" He patted Roku's head. "Thank you. That's much better."

"I found a town today," Quatre reported. "We should ask the natives if they'll give us a ride part way there tomorrow."

"But they're having three days of feasting in our honor!" Trowa protested.

"They'll be happier having the last day to celebrate the memory of our visit," Quatre said. Then he lowered his voice. "Besides, I want to get Duo out of here before he gets any more pregnant. Someone's bound to notice."

"Good point. I'll ask Runs-like-the-Wind after dinner. I'm sure he'll say yes."

"But don't forget you promised to speak to Mr. Falls-from-Horse's pony," Roku said gravely.

"I won't." Trowa looked around and sighed. "But I should probably speak to all the ponies," he added. "I see sprites everywhere. Having a spirit-walk with Heero in the village was probably a bad idea. Half these people are going to end up marked. I sure hope the decline in Native American civilization wasn't somehow our fault."


	9. Back Among the White Men

Chapter 9: **Back Among the White Men**

"How can Duo still be eating?" Zechs groaned. "If it wasn't for all the sex we had earlier, I swear I would have gained about ten pounds by now."

"It's part of their fertility mythology," Trowa reported. "Just accept a few bites from each woman; you don't have to eat everything you're offered."

"Now he tells me!"

Trowa turned to Speaks-with-the-Wind. "Honored elder, my friends and I thank you for your hospitality, but it will be time for us to move on in the morning. The spirits tell me," he winked at Quatre, "that there is a white man's settlement not too far in that direction." He pointed toward the west.

"That is true," said Speaks-with-the-Wind. "We don't hunt in that direction anymore because the white men think we eat their cattle." He grinned. "Mind you, the meat's tasty enough when you can't get buffalo."

"I dare say."

"But we will be sorry to see you go. Our women have not been this eager for the blankets since they were maidens."

"Always glad to be of service. Would it be possible to get a ride part way?"

"Of course. Indeed, even Falls-From-Horse may be glad to assist. His pony has been most well-mannered since you spoke to it. But he will undoubtedly still be glad to rid the village of strangers," Speaks-with-the-Wind added with a sigh.

"We don't hold it against him."

Hadeya stood up with a sleeping Alexa draped across his arms. "I am going to take Alexa to bed."

Zechs scrambled to his feet. "I'll go with you!"

Treize stood up more slowly. "I will accompany you as well." He put a hand over his mouth as if stifling a yawn. "I am also somewhat fatigued." He put his arm around Zechs' waist and they followed Hadeya cradling Alexa against his chest.

"We should probably all retire," Quatre said. "I think we should try to make an early start."

"As you wish," Speaks-with-the-Wind said. "But allow us to send you off with a final dance." He climbed stiffly to his feet and clapped his hands. "My people!" he cried, "let us dance the Dance of Fire and Frost in honor of our guests!"

"Fire and Frost! Fire and Frost!" everyone began chanting. Men and women both bounded to their feet and swirled into a double circle; women on the inside and men on the outside. They began to sway and stamp, weaving an intricate pattern of steps where the circles crossed, merged and reformed, accompanied by chanting, clapping and drumming.

"This dance represents the flow of the seasons," Speaks-with-the-Wind told them. "It reaffirms our place in the universe."

The dance was exciting, beautiful and really, really long. Even Duo was gaping a yawn by the time the dancers stamped to a rousing finish. Roku was sound asleep, sprawled across Quatre's lap.

"Good lord!" Quatre groaned. "My legs are asleep. Roku must weigh one hundred kilos!"

"And he's only part-grown," Trowa said affectionately. "I'll help you pick him up."

"Pick him up?!" Quatre stared. "I just want to get out from underneath him."

"You aren't just going to leave him there?"

"He's a tiger! What's going to bother him?" Quatre picked up a paw. "Have you seen these claws?"

"I suppose you have a point."

"Damn right I do. Now help me get him off my legs. You can carry _me_ to the lodge. I don't think I can walk at this point."

Trowa helped Quatre roll Roku off of his legs and then he scooped the blond pilot up in his arms with a chuckle. "I guess Roku does outweigh you by about forty kilos now when he's in his tiger form."

Quatre flushed. "He does not! I weigh way more than sixty kilos!"

"Of course you do," Trowa said in a completely patronizing voice.

"Shut up!"

Trowa continued to chuckle as he carried Quatre into the lodge. Everyone but Roku followed them in and soon they were all settled down for the night.

In the morning, they were awakened by the sound of children squealing with delight and laughing hysterically.

Zechs sat up and looked around. "Where's Alexa?" He crawled to the tent flap and went out.

The others followed him and emerged into a scene of pandemonium. Roku, in best mock attack form, was charging at various children and leaping onto them. Once he had some hapless youngster pinned down, he slobbered all over his victim with his rough tongue. The suddenly soggy child squealed, giggled and struggled to keep some portion of his or her face dry, generally with no success. Once Roku had reduced a child to sopping laughter, he would pursue and pounce on another.

Alexa ran up to Zechs giggling. "Roku got me!"

"I can see that," Zechs replied with dismay. "How many times must I mention that tiger spit is neither face cream nor hair conditioner?"

Alexa giggled some more as she used the front of her dress to wipe her face and hair.

"Alexa, dear," Treize said, "try to show a little modesty. Not everyone needs to see your panties."

"Oops!"

"Good morning, friends!" Runs-like-the-Wind greeted them cheerfully and not at all like a man who had been dancing half the night. "I have two dozen men who will be happy to carry you on their ponies today. As soon as we eat, we can go."

"Thank you, Runs-like-the-Wind," Trowa said. "Your hospitality has been most appreciated."

Everyone in the village crowded around to wish the visitors farewell and to offer them gifts. They received jewelry made from beaten silver and set with brightly colors stones, woven head and arm bands dressed with painted clay beads and dyed feathers, and other small items. In return, Roku dug into his storage space and produced wooden blocks and cloth dolls for the children. He also gave Runs-like-the-Wind a knife and a Meerschaum pipe to Speaks-with-the-Wind.

Heero frowned. "I understand the blocks and dolls, and the knife makes perfect sense. I have a few of those tucked away myself. But where the hell did he get that pipe?"

"I don't want to know," said Quatre.

But then, with all the goodbyes said and the gifts exchanged, the Gundam pilots, Alexa and Hadeya mounted up behind various natives and the party set out. Roku elected to walk and Quatre watched him suspiciously as the young tiger ranged to either side of their path.

"I just know he's stuffing all manner of things into his storage space."

"He's got room," Duo said absently. He shifted uncomfortably. "I feel really fat."

"A woman in full flower is a beautiful thing," said the native who was transporting Duo in front of him. "You could still choose one of us as a husband," he added hopefully.

"No thanks." Duo pushed on his side. His little passenger pushed back. "She's bruising me on purpose!"

"Quit mashing on her," Wu-Fei advised.

"I just want her to extract her foot from my liver!"

"Just deal with it. She'll be out of there soon enough."

They rode until just past midday and then Runs-like-the-Wind called a halt. "This is as far as we can take you," he said. "If we get too close, the white men get all worked up."

"This is good," Quatre said and they dismounted. "The town is just a few hours walk from here."

"I can smell the town," Roku announced. "There's smoke and stuff."

With whoops and waves, the natives galloped off and the Gundam pilots set out for town. Alexa rode on Treize's shoulders and Roku led the way. They trudged through the scrub brush at a steady pace and two hours later came across a rutted dirt track. Since it was heading in the direction they were going, they followed it and after another half-hour, the town loomed up ahead of them.

"At last!" Duo exclaimed. "My feet are killing me."

"You better change back into a human, Roku."

"Yes, Mama."

The town was a little smaller than Riverton, but it also had a train station.

"Would you look at that!" Zechs pointed excitedly. "The train's still here. They should have left here the day after they stranded us." They hurried to the train station. As they climbed the narrow steps up onto the platform, a woman's voice called out.

"Look! It's the missing passengers!"

Several people hurried to meet them, among them Hieronymus Gree.

"My dear friends!" Hieronymus greeted them with a delighted smile. "I am so glad to see you're not dead!"

"Why is the train still here?" asked Treize.

Hieronymus winked at them. "As it happens, the man who owns this railroad is an old gambling buddy of mine. I telegraphed him about your unfortunate abandonment when we arrived and he replied that the train had to wait for paying passengers or else. He's not a man to cross lightly, so the engineer refused to leave until your fate had been determined. Riders were sent out to look for you since there are bandits and Indians in the area and there was a good chance you were already dead."

"How thoughtful!" Heero drawled sarcastically.

"But now that you're here, we can resume our journey."

At that, a boy in a telegraph operator's vest and hat dashed off the platform, shouting that the train was leaving. A moment later, the engineer let out a long blast on his steam whistle. People began appearing from all directions, hurrying toward the train with luggage in hand.

"The engineer must not have been planning to wait all that long if he kept the steam up," Wu-Fei noted.

"You'll be glad to know," Hieronymus said brightly, "that you've been offered the hospitality of the private car for the remainder of the trip to compensate you for your trouble."

"Doesn't that Mr. Jefferson own the private car?" Duo asked. "He's the one who stranded us in the first place. Why should he offer us the use of his car now?"

"Well," Hieronymus chuckled, "it seems Mr. Jefferson has political aspirations and he can't afford to lose the support of the railroad barons. And wealthy men hate nothing more than a sore loser who tries to renege on a gambling debt."

"It seems we were fortunate to have you on board the train, Mr. Gree," Treize said. He inclined his head. "We are indebted to you for getting the train held for us."

"All aboard!" the conductor shouted. "All aboard for San Francisco!"

Passengers crowded onto the train and Duo lead the way to the private car at the end of the train. A broad-shouldered man with a broken nose and a scowl on his face was waiting for them on the little platform outside the door.

"I believe we're expected," Duo told him airily.

The man's scowl deepened but he pushed the door open and led the way into the car. They all crowded inside after him and found a beautifully appointed interior that seemed more like a comfortable hotel room than a train car. The front half of the car was a lounge, with overstuffed leather couches and chairs, oil lamps hanging from the walls and a large round card table with six straight-backed chairs with padded seats. The rear of the car contained four sleeping compartments; two on each side stacked one above the other.

There were five men seated in the car. Four, including Mr. Jefferson, looked like gentlemen of means. The fifth man, like the one who had led them into the car, was obviously a bodyguard. One of the gentlemen, however, was the first to speak.

"Honestly, Jefferson!" the man exclaimed. "This won't do at all! I shan't be able to sleep properly with all these people in the car."

Jefferson stroked his goatee. "Well now, Simpson, you've brought up a valid point. With only four beds, we can hardly accommodate so many guests comfortably. I think you and the others will have to leave."

"What?!" Simpson's mouth fell open.

"You are only here at my invitation," Jefferson continued smoothly. "That invitation is now rescinded. My new friends," and he beamed at the Gundam pilots, "will be traveling with me for the remainder of the journey."

"I… I…" Simpson's face went bright red as his mouth worked in consternation. "This is outrageous!" He shoved his way toward the door and flung it open. "This insult will not be forgotten, Jefferson!" he shouted. He stormed out, leaving the door open.

The other two men rose with resigned expressions. One man inclined his head to Jefferson and the other shrugged his shoulders. They also left the car and the broken-nosed bodyguard closed it behind them.

"The accommodations will be a bit cramped, I'm afraid," Jefferson said. "But I'm sure we'll manage." He stood up and bowed to Duo. "Of course, I am happy to offer my own bed to this lovely lady."

"Damn right you will!" Duo snapped. He plopped down on a couch and pulled off his boots. "I have blisters, thanks to you." He stuck out a foot. "I think you should wash my feet."

Jefferson's eyes opened wide. "What? I… uh…"

"That sounds fair to me," Heero growled. He glared at Jefferson. The two bodyguards edged forward and Heero shifted his angry stare to them. "I don't think we need them," he snarled. "With us in the car, everybody's safe as houses." He took a step toward the nearer guard. "Why don't you get out? It's crowded enough in here as it is."

The two guards threw questioning looks at Jefferson. Jefferson just shrugged his shoulders and smirked. "Why don't you find seats in the next car?" he suggested. "I'll call you if I need anything."

The guards didn't look happy, but they vacated the car promptly.

Treize sank into a chair with a smile. "This is nice. I find this much more comfortable than the public car."

"Me too, Daddy." Alexa climbed into his lap.

Zechs sat down on the arm of Treize's chair. "Don't you have a cook, Mr. Jefferson?"

"I do, but he doesn't stay in the car with me. He uses the dining car at the front of the train to prepare my meals."

Zechs stroked his fingers through his long hair and fixed Jefferson with his deep blue gaze. "Then perhaps you should go find him and tell him you need a basin of warm water with a little witch hazel in it, so you can attend to Miss Maxwell's feet."

"You don't really expect me to…" Jefferson trailed into silence when he found ten pairs of eyes regarding him with expressions ranging from expectant to potentially dangerous. "If you'll excuse me…" he managed in a sickly voice and hurried out of the car.

There was an explosion of laughter as soon as he was gone.

"I think I'm going to enjoy the rest of this trip," Zechs chuckled.

Wu-Fei wandered into the rear of the car to examine the sleeping compartments. "It's a little tight, but I think we can manage two to a bed."

Heero sat down next to Duo. "I'll sleep on the couch so I can keep an eye on our host."

"I can sleep on the other couch," Hadeya immediately volunteered.

"That works," Quatre said. "The rest of us can double up in the beds. Jefferson can sleep on the floor," he snickered.

"I think he's going to regret having offered us his hospitality," Trowa murmured.

"It's his own damn fault," Duo declared. "If he hadn't run off and left us, we would be sitting in the public car and he would be relaxing in private."

There was a loud clank and the car jerked forward.

"It's about time!" Heero grumbled.

"I guess he had enough steam for the whistle but not to drive the wheels," Wu-Fei remarked.

"Yippee! We're moving!" Alexa hopped out of Treize's lap and raced to the window. Roku stuck his head out the neighboring window and they waved furiously to the town's people as the train pulled out of the station.

"I wonder how long it will be before we reach the mountains," Zechs said.

"I don't know, but Jefferson owes me dinner as well as a foot bath!" Duo complained.

At that moment, Jefferson returned leading a dark-skinned man carrying a pitcher with a basin tucked under his arm. "Set it beside the lady, George" Jefferson said, pointing at Duo. The black man set the basin at Duo's feet and filled it with warm, scented water from the pitcher.

"I put a little bit of lavender oil in with the witch hazel," George said. He had very dark eyes that sparkled when he talked. "It should soothe your feet real good."

"Thank you!" Duo favored George with a brilliant smile. "Are you the cook?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Please go make us some dinner. Mr. Jefferson can wash my feet." Duo blinked sweetly at Jefferson.

"Now, see here…!" Jefferson began.

Heero growled at him. "Just do what the lady says! Or do you need help getting started?" He rose threateningly and Jefferson paled.

"No!" Quickly, he snatched up a piece of cloth that was draped over George's arm. "Go prepare our meal!" he ordered, his voice wavering between angry and alarmed. He settled stiffly onto his knees at Duo's feet and lifted Duo's left foot into the basin.

"Ahh!" Duo sighed. "That's nice. Put the other one in too."

Jefferson had a comically offended but worried look on his face as he lifted Duo's right foot and settled it into the basin.

Behind him, George was grinning widely. "I'll just be about getting your dinner, then, Mr. Jefferson, sir." He left the car, closing the door carefully behind him.

Duo settled back with a sigh. "Take your time, Jefferson. After dinner, maybe I'll give you a chance to win some of your money back."

Heero sat back down with a frown. "You don't need to do any more gambling."

"I don't gamble because I need to, Heero," Duo said lightly. "I gamble because I like to. It's like you and killing; it's how I let off steam and relax."

Jefferson's back stiffened and his expression became even more alarmed.

"You're frightening Mr. Jefferson, Duo," Zechs said casually. "You shouldn't mention Heero's pastimes."

"You talk like I spend all my time killing people," Heero said. "I haven't killed anyone for days."

"That's true, since you didn't kill any of the bandits during the train robbery," Duo acknowledged. "By the way, how come you didn't hit anybody? They weren't very far away."

Heero frowned. "I hit a couple of them. I just didn't have a good angle for kill shots. I would have gotten them when they were riding away, but the train leaving distracted me."

"Heero let something distract him from killing an enemy?" Zechs exclaimed in mock horror. "That must be a first."

"Oh shut up!" Heero growled.

"Hey, look what I found!" Wu-Fei, who had continued to explore the train car, straightened up holding a violin case. "Do you play the violin, Mr. Jefferson?"

"Um… no, I don't. That violin is a collector's item. I'm planning to sell it in San Francisco."

"A collector's item?" Quatre's eyes lit up. He took the case from Wu-Fei and opened it. Inside was a beautifully crafted violin, it's darkly polished wood and perfectly fitted inlays gleaming like water. "How lovely!" Quatre lifted the violin from case.

"Please be careful with that!" Jefferson exclaimed.

"Keep washing!" Duo snapped.

"Oh!" Jefferson resumed washing Duo's feet with the cloth, but his eyes were pinned on Quatre and the violin.

Quatre strummed the strings carefully, producing a rich mellow sound that filled the car.

"That's really beautiful," Treize said. "Can you play it?"

"Of course." Quatre took the bow from the case and settled the violin onto his shoulder. He thought for a moment and then began to play. The music filled the car and everyone settled down to listen. Alexa climbed back into Treize's lap and Roku sat on the floor at Quatre's feet. Jefferson's hands went still, but Duo didn't notice. Everyone was enraptured by the incredible sound coming from the violin. When he finished, they applauded loudly.

Trowa sighed with a dreamy look on his face. "I just love it when he plays. It makes me want to…" He stopped in mid-sentence and blinked. "I mean, I just love how talented he is."

"Good save," Duo muttered. He splashed his foot. "Back to work, you. You can dry them off now."

"Oh, uh…" Jefferson looked around, obviously flustered because he didn't have anything to dry Duo's feet with.

"Use this," Roku said and he tossed a thick blue towel at him.

Jefferson stared at the towel. "Where did this come from?"

"My storage sp…" Roku started to say, but Quatre overrode him in a loud voice.

"I had it. Now finish up. When will your man have dinner ready? We're hungry." Carefully, Quatre returned the violin to its case.

"It should be soon," Jefferson replied.

"Good!" Duo exclaimed. "Because now I'm really hungry." He leaned over to stare into Jefferson's face with a sweet smile. "Why don't you go help him? My husband will come with you to make sure you don't get lost."

Jefferson paled as Heero rose to his feet. "Come on!" Heero said grumpily. He grabbed Jefferson by a shoulder and jerked him to his feet. "Let's go!" He shoved Jefferson toward the door. "Hadeya, come with us. We may need an extra pair of hands."

"Yes, Father." Hadeya followed Heero and Jefferson out of the car.

Duo picked up the basin and dumped the water out a window. Then he returned to the couch and stretched out on it with a contented sigh. "Now this is more like it! Traveling in style."

"It's certainly better than what usually ends up happening," Zechs agreed. He moved to a plump chair with a footstool and put his feet up.

"I wonder if it will be cold in the mountains." Wu-Fei speculated.

"It shouldn't be too bad if we keep the windows closed," Treize said. "There's an iron stove in the corner."

"But how can we look out if the windows are closed, Daddy?"

"I'm sure we'll manage."


	10. Welcome to San Francisco

Chapter 10: **Welcome to San Francisco**

"Look, Mommy! We're going up into the mountains!"

The mountain range had been visible all day and now the train was finally starting to chug its way up.

Zechs stepped to the window and leaned out next to Alexa. "We're climbing pretty fast. It's beautiful the way the mountains just rise up out of the plain like this."

"It's beautiful the way his hair streams out in the wind," Treize sighed dreamily from his seat on the couch. He leaned on one hand and stared at Zechs.

Duo fidgeted. "If any more sexual tension builds up in this car it's going to explode."

"Those beds are a little cramped," Quatre said primly. "And there are children present."

"Those kids could sleep through an earthquake," Duo pointed out. "And it's not like they don't already know what's going on." Duo snickered. "Or is it that you need more room to really get into it?"

Quatre flushed. "I think we can drop the subject now."

"That's probably it," Heero said grumpily. "He was the one who invented that position we were all trying on Mount Olympus. My hip still hurts from doing that."

"I did not invent it!" Quatre protested. He pointed at Trowa. "It was all his idea!"

"But you let him do it."

"I… I…"

"Give it up, Quatre," Duo laughed. "We all know you're easy we're Trowa's concerned."

"I am not easy!"

"But you're dang cute," Trowa interjected.

Quatre stuck out his lower lip. "You're all picking on me." His big blue eyes got bigger and bluer. "I'm hurt."

Trowa's eyes went soft. He got up and took Quatre's hand. "Come out on the rear platform with me. I'll apologize." He led Quatre out through the rear door of the train car.

Duo started snickering again. "Apologize, he says! Every day I learn a new euphemism for doinking."

"Isn't doinking a euphemism?" Wu-Fei wondered idly.

"I'd say so," Treize agreed.

"What's doinking?" Hadeya asked in confusion.

"They're talking about fucking," Heero said irritably.

Hadeya blushed furiously. "But, um, is it safe to be doing that on the platform? It is rather small."

"I'm sure Trowa will come up with something creative," Heero grumbled. "He won't risk any harm to his precious Quatre." He pulled a knife out of somewhere and started twirling it on his palm.

"You seem mighty foul-tempered," Wu-Fei remarked.

"It's because he's not getting any," Duo noted sagely. "I'd take care of him, but I doubt he'd fit in me right now with this dang baby filling up my interior."

"Don't be such a wuss, Duo," Treize said. "Pregnant women have sex all the time."

Zechs turned from the window. "I hear it can sometimes precipitate labor when a woman is close."

Duo's eyes lit up. "Really?! Ok, Heero and I get the rear platform next."

Roku lifted his head and looked toward the front of the car. "I think Mr. Jefferson is coming back." He sat up and shifted back into his human form. "How am I supposed to air out my fur if he keeps coming back?"

"Yeah, you'd think it was his car or something," Duo laughed.

"If you didn't change back," Zechs remarked, "I doubt he'd return for the remainder of the trip."

"Really?" Roku's eyes brightened.

"You know, if Quatre were here he'd probably say no to that," Wu-Fei said casually. He blew a thin stream of fire into the air. "Maybe I should singe his goatee so he doesn't notice the tiger in the car."

"I imagine that would distract him," said Treize.

"If we want to get rid of him," Heero growled, "why can't I just gut him and dump him out the window?"

"Gutting him first would be messy," Zechs said.

"But I can still dump him out the window?" Heero brightened visibly.

"No," Treize said sternly.

Heero's shoulders slumped.

The front door opened and Jefferson stepped into the car. "Good day, gentlemen and lady."

Alexa pulled her head in. "How come you never say ladies?" she demanded. "I'm a girl, too!" She glared at him.

Jefferson blinked in surprise.

Zechs put a hand on Alexa's shoulder. "That's right. You have been snubbing my daughter. I think I should be offended on her behalf." He tipped his head to one side and regarded Jefferson with a sultry frown. "I wonder what the newspapers would have to say about a man who snubs little girls."

Jefferson's mouth worked silently for several seconds. "I meant no offense!" he burst out.

Alexa lifted her little chin. "You should apologize and offer me something. I'm a future voter, you know."

Treize put his hand over his mouth to stifle a laugh.

Jefferson looked like he was going to faint. "Well… ah… I could… have George make you a cake. How would you like that?"

"Well…" Alexa pursed her lips. "If that's the best you can do, I suppose it will have to do. But it better be chocolate."

"I'll… just… go do that," Jefferson stammered and he retreated hastily from the car.

Everyone immediately burst out laughing.

"That's probably the best outcome we could have hoped for," Treize said, wiping his eyes. "He didn't get terrified, singed, gutted or thrown out the window."

"Speak for yourself," Heero muttered.

Trowa and Quatre returned not too much later looking somewhat flushed but rather content.

"My turn!" Duo immediately announced and he tried to stand up. But the chair he was sitting in was plush and kind of deep and his first attempt failed. "Umph!" He scooted forward a little and tried again. Grasping the chair arms, he pushed up firmly. He teetered for a moment in a half-folded position and then gravity took over and pulled him back into the chair. "Dang it!" he grunted.

The other pilots tried desperately to suppress their laughter, but a few titters escaped. Even Heero had an expression that one might interpret as amused.

Duo glared. "Quit laughing at me and help me up, dammit! Do you think I can't hear what you're thinking?"

"We're sorry, Duo!" Wu-Fei gasped. "But you really have gotten huge. I think you've grown since yesterday."

"Do you think I haven't noticed?" Duo complained. "I told you the baby is filling up my whole interior. I know where my internal organs are supposed to be and they aren't there. I think everything's embedded in my spine."

"Quatre and I understand, Duo," Zechs said sympathetically. "Some of us have been through the same thing." He strolled over and held out a hand to Duo. "Allow me."

Duo grasped his hand and was pulled to his feet. "I'm glad to see there's at least ONE gentleman in the room," he said archly.

"But you did look kind of funny, Papa Duo."

"Et tu, Roku?" Duo dramatically flung the back of his hand against his forehead.

Roku giggled and trotted over to hug Duo around the waist with his giant tiger paws. "My little sister is going to come out soon, Papa Duo. She's starting to feel squished."

"She feels squished?!" Duo exclaimed.

"Roku," said Quatre, "how do you know she feels squished?"

"More to the point," Wu-Fei interrupted, "how do you know she's coming out soon?"

Roku pressed his nose against Duo's tummy. "I can just tell."

"That's creepy," Heero muttered.

"How soon?" Duo demanded.

"Pretty soon."

"That answer is insufficiently definitive."

"She'll come out when she's ready." Roku returned to his place on the rug and began cleaning between his toes, which required him to extend his claws to their full seven centimeters of gleaming sharpness.

"Come on, Heero." Duo grabbed him by the hand. "We're going outside so you can explain to this baby why she's ready to come out now."

"Huh?"

"Let's go!" Duo dragged him to the rear door and out onto the little platform.

"The kid's gonna get brain damage if he starts jamming that thing into Duo," Wu-Fei muttered.

Hadeya's cheeks turned bright red.

"That's what the soft spot's for," Treize murmured.

Zechs frowned at him. "Had a lot of experience fucking pregnant women, have you?"

"Oh… ah… that's just what I've heard!" Treize said quickly.

Zechs continued to frown at him.

"Maybe you better take him out on the rear platform next," Wu-Fei suggested.

Hadeya put his head in his hands. "I thought the soft place on a baby's head was to facilitate its passage from the mother's body," he said in a mournful voice.

"It is," Quatre said.

"And anyway," added Trowa, "a woman would have to be ready to give birth before even a really big man could penetrate far enough to poke the baby."

"I don't know," Wu-Fei said doubtfully. "Have you seen Heero's…"

"That's enough!" Quatre interrupted. "Poor Hadeya is going to sink into the floor."

"I'm all right, Uncle Quatre," Hadeya said faintly. "I should be used to this by now, I suppose. But I think perhaps my mother sheltered me just a little."

Roku rolled to his feet and padded over to Hadeya. "Don't feel bad, Hadeya. When you start being naughty, you won't blush as much."

All the color drained from Hadeya's face and a look of utter mortification came over him. "Being naughty…?" he rasped and his voice faded away to nothing.

"Ok, now that we're rendered Hadeya speechless, it must be time for lunch," Treize said.

"Yay! Lunch!" Alexa shouted. "I want roast chicken and boiled potatoes and leek and onion pie and corn bread and cabbage and beet salad and green beans with garlic and apple pie!"

"Yeah, and a ham and a roast beef and boiled carrots with honey and kippers and a plum pudding!" Roku added.

"What? No roast turkey with stuffing?" Zechs asked sarcastically.

"Yeah, that too!" the children cried in unison as the sarcasm flew right over their hungry heads.

"The train will run out of food before we reach San Francisco."

"Don't worry," Roku said gleefully. "I can get more."

"You have more food in your storage space?" Quatre asked.

"Not right now."

"So how…?" Quatre stopped himself. "I probably don't want to know."

"I know I don't want to know," Trowa said.

Hadeya stood up, still looking a trifle pale. "I will go tell George that we would like lunch prepared."

"But make sure I still get my cake!" Alexa exclaimed.

"Yes, cousin." Hadeya left the car.

"I think Hadeya is getting more shy, not less shy," Treize remarked. "It seems odd since I don't recall the heroes in Valhalla being particularly reticent about their sexual appetites. How did he manage to grow up so innocent?"

"He did say Freya sheltered him," Trowa said.

"She was probably trying to keep Brunhilde out of his pants," Wu-Fei said.

"That sounds like Freya," Treize said.

"You seem to remember her quite well," Zechs said in a neutral tone.

Treize hung his head. "I'm going to stop talking."

"Cut Treize some slack, Zechs," Trowa said. "Your temper wasn't exactly smooth when you were expecting. It's only natural he might spend a little time in someone else's company."

"His temper isn't all that smooth now," Wu-Fei murmured.

"I suppose you agree with them," Zechs said to Treize in a chilly tone.

Treize buried his face in his hands. "Even silent I get in trouble. The gods must hate me."

"I know one who doesn't," Trowa said innocently.

Zechs sniffed.

Treize flinched. "You're killing me."

Zechs' lips twitched. Then he sat down next to Treize and put an arm around him. "I'm just teasing you, beloved." He lifted Treize's chin with his fingertips and stared deep into his dark eyes. "I know I'm the only one you can see."

Treize paled and drew in a ragged breath.

"Before this turns into something kinky," Quatre spoke up, "maybe I should remind you that there are other people present, including children."

"Right," Treize whispered. "Aren't Heero and Duo done yet?"

"See?" said Wu-Fei. "I knew they needed to step outside. Who needs to be a mind-reader?"

The rest of the journey through the Sierra Nevada went more or less like that. Poor Mr. Jefferson ultimately spent almost no time in his own car, because Heero's constant glower made him fear for his life, which was probably a reasonable reaction, given that Heero spent a lot of time sharpening big knives and looking grumpy. But Jefferson did remain in the car long enough one evening to allow Duo to divest him of the rest of his money in a long card game during which Duo cheated so outrageously that even Roku was rolling his eyes.

Alexa spent a lot of time hanging out the window and exclaiming at how pretty everything was. They traveled along the sides of sheer mountains, under long wooden sheds designed to protect the tracks from snow, over wide canyons on frail-looking trellis bridges that had Hadeya clinging to the walls, past rushing water falls that foamed under the bridges and through long dark tunnels choking with sooty smoke from the engine. But at long last, the train wound down out of the mountains and chugged into a broad valley thick with fog.

"This should be the Central Valley of California," Treize noted. "It is well-known for producing fogs so thick that you can barely see your hand in front of your face."

"I think this qualifies," Zechs said.

The engineer let out a long blast on the steam whistle.

"What do you suppose that means?" Duo asked.

"I think we must be approaching Sacramento," said Treize.

"How can he tell? You can't see two feet from the train."

"I'm sure he's familiar with the route."

At that moment, the train began to slow.

"I can see buildings," Alexa announced.

"It smells," Roku said, his whiskers twitching. "There's a river and it's not all that clean. We're not getting out here are we?"

At that moment, the front door opened. "We are arriving in Sacramento, my friends!" Jefferson exclaimed expansively. "We'll be laying over here for a few hours to take on coal and water. You can step out and stretch your legs if you like."

"The last time we did that you stranded us," Duo groused. He glowered at Jefferson. "Why don't you step out this time?"

"Well, my dear," Jefferson began and then his eyes fell on Roku, who was standing on his hind legs with his front paws propped on the windowsill. His long tail was lashing back and forth as he stared out the window. Jefferson's mouth fell open. "Is that a… a… tiger?"

"Just a little one," Quatre said with a straight face.

"But… but…"

"He's been here the whole time," Wu-Fei said brightly. "Didn't you see him?"

"I… uh…"

Roku looked over his shoulder and yawned widely, with his wide pink tongue lolling out and revealing all of his sharp white teeth.

Jefferson staggered backward. "If… you'll…excuse me," he gasped and fled the car.

"Sorry I didn't hear him coming back, Mama."

"That's all right, Roku. I was tired of him anyway."

They relaxed through the layover in Sacramento and then the train let out another long whistle blast to announce it was time to depart. They left Sacramento and chugged back into the fog, where the train formed its own tunnel from the heat of its engine. On the far side of the valley, they wound back into mountains, but these were smaller than the great mountain range behind them. At long last, though, they crested a final ridge and the San Francisco Bay opened up before them.

"Oh, look!" Alexa squealed. "Water!"

Everyone crowded to the windows to look out as the train descended from the last slopes and made its way to the waterfront. Again the engineer let out a blast on his whistle. When they finally pulled into the station, they arrived at a platform where a conductor was shouting at the top of his lungs:

"Alameda! Alameda Station! End of the line!"

"But Mommy, doesn't the train go all the way to San Francisco?"

"Not yet, sweetie. We'll have to take the ferry."

"What?" Duo exclaimed. His face was pinched. "I was hoping for a comfortable hotel room with a wide bed. My back is killing me."

Quatre stared at him. "How long has your back been hurting?"

"Since we got to Sacramento."

Quatre stepped over and put a hand on his belly. "Have you been having contractions?"

"How the hell should I know? Everything hurts."

Everyone crowded around.

"Is Uncle Duo having his baby now, Uncle Quatre?"

"He might be, Alexa. Do you mind if I get a little personal, Duo? The rest of you turn around." Everyone did so and Quatre stuck a hand into Duo's pants. After a minute, he grinned at Duo. "You're dilating. Looks like our little girl's on the way."

"What?!" Heero exclaimed. "Now?!"

"Yup. But I'd say we have a little time. How quick can the ferry get us to San Francisco, do you suppose?"

"I don't know, but let's ask Hieronymus for help," Treize said. "Maybe he can facilitate our crossing. You'd better change, Roku."

"Ok."

"I'll get him," Hadeya volunteered and he dashed out of the car. He returned almost immediately with Hieronymus in tow.

"I was on my way to ask you what your plans might be when this young man said you needed my help," Hieronymus said with a slight bow.

"We need to get to San Francisco within the next hour," Treize said. "Can you help us?"

Hieronymus smiled. "Indeed I can. A good friend of mine owns a boat and he enjoys making a little extra coin ferrying passengers to San Francisco. He's cheaper than the public ferry and faster."

"Perfect!" Quatre said. "Roku give me some money." Roku handed Quatre several gold coins. Quatre handed four of the coins to Hieronymus. "Two are for you and two are for your friend. There's that much again for both of you if we're across the bay and checked into a nice hotel before Mrs. Yuy here gives birth."

Hieronymus' eyes widened, but there was no telling if it was because of the gold our Duo's impending childbirth. The coins disappeared into his pocket. "I am glad to be of assistance!" he said and zoomed out of the car.

"Just when the hell did Duo become my wife?" Heero demanded.

"You've been hovering over him like a jealous husband for days!" Quatre snapped. "And anyway, people in this time were still quite provincial about unwed motherhood. We don't want them to think Duo is a whore."

"Duo IS a whore!"

"Is that any way to talk about the mother of your child?" Trowa said with a straight face.

"How do we know the kid's not yours?" Heero demanded. "We all fucked him!"

"I didn't," Treize said.

"Neither did I," Zechs added.

"Can we focus on me for a minute?!" Duo cried.

"We are focusing on you, Duo," Wu-Fei said.

"Ok then, focus on the damn baby! Ow!" He pushed back in his chair and grunted.

Quatre put his hand on Duo's belly. "Good contraction. I can really feel the muscles tightening down."

"Oh, great!" Tears squeezed out of Duo's eyes. "I think Heero should hold my hand."

Heero looked at where Duo's clenched fingers were currently digging deep furrows into the chair arm. "I don't think so."

"Ow, ow, ow!" Duo cried. Then he went limp. "Oh, thank god! It stopped."

"It will happen again," Quatre said cheerfully.

"I hate all of you!"

Hieronymus returned. "I have secured our passage!" he exclaimed breathlessly.

"That was quick," said Treize.

"As it happens," Hieronymus wheezed, "I had telegraphed my friend previously about my imminent arrival, so he had planned to meet me. He is more than anxious to fulfill his contract with you. He is on his way now to signal another friend to meet us with carriages on the other side. If you'll all follow me, I'll take you to his boat."

"Excellent." Quatre looked at Heero. "You better carry your wife, Heero. Walking may speed up labor."

Heero frowned, but he scooped Duo up without any effort and the party left the train. It was only a short walk to the dock where the ferries were moored. Hieronymus led the way to the end where a rather tatty looking sailboat was tied up. Three sailors were swiftly preparing the boat to make sail. One of them jumped onto the dock when they neared.

"Welcome aboard, my friends!" he cried. "Captain Jim at your service." He bowed quickly. "We'll get under way just as soon as you're on board."

A short gangway extended over to the dock from the side of the boat, so they all marched straight onto the deck. Captain Jim didn't waste any time. He started shouting orders and the boat was soon putting out into the bay. In seemingly no time at all, they were across the water and bumping up against a long quay on the San Francisco shoreline. Two open carriages were waiting for them.

Quatre smiled. "Thank you for the quick service, Captain." He gave the Captain three more gold coins. "Here's a bonus for arranging the ground transportation."

Captain Jim's face split into a wide grin. "Always glad to be of service to real gentlemen! Please let me know if you need to make any more trips across the bay."

Once they were into the carriages, the driver of the lead carriage spoke up. "There are a number of lesser quality hotels near the waterfront. The higher up we go, the better the quality gets. What kind of accommodations did you have in mind?"

"Some place that doesn't smell!" Wu-Fei said instantly. He was holding his nose against the reek of rotting fish, garbage and excrement that wafted up from the water lapping against the quay.

"Very good, sir!" The driver lashed the horses and they started up the street.

"Unh!" Duo grunted.

"Shit!" Heero exclaimed. "Where the hell did all the water come from?"

"Duo," Quatre said matter-of-factly. "His water broke. We'd better get him inside soon."

Fortunately, San Francisco of that era was not all that spread out. They arrived at a hotel fairly quickly and hustled Duo inside. Treize got rooms for them and they raced upstairs, but everyone crowded into the room that Duo, Heero and Wu-Fei would be sharing.

"I need warm water, a shallow basin and towels," Quatre said with professional efficiency.

Roku produced the desired items without a word.

And while everyone watched, Quatre helped Duo push his new daughter out into the world.

"She's cute!" Alexa exclaimed as Quatre bathed the infant in the basin. "What's her name?"

"Yeah, Duo," Trowa said, "what are you going to call her?"

"How about Bowling Ball?" Duo groaned.

"Something more feminine would be nice," Zechs said.

"Oh fine! How about Jett?"

"Jett?" Everyone looked at the little girl. She had thick black curls all over her head and wide dark eyes. She regarded them with a curious stare with one fist shoved into her mouth and one foot stuck up into the air. "Jett works," they all agreed.


	11. Another Little Girl

Chapter 11: **Another Little Girl**

"She's really cute," Quatre said as he cradled little Jett in his arms and fed her a bottle of milk.

"Of course she's cute," Duo declared. "Look who her parents are. We're all cute."

"You could at least try to say that with a trace of humility," Trowa murmured.

"Well, I think Duo should have tried to stay a woman for at least a few more weeks so he could breastfeed her," Treize said. "That is supposed to be the best food for new humans."

"Like I had any choice in the matter," Duo said. "Quatre's spell wore off almost as soon as I pushed her out. And anyway," he clamped his hand rather possessively over his genitals. "I like having these back. Being a girl is fun and all, but I'm more used to guyhood."

"You did make a pretty girl, Uncle Duo."

"Of course I did, Alexa. I'm adorable no matter how you look at me."

"Geez, Duo, put a sock in it!" Heero grumbled.

Duo breezed over and plopped into Heero's lap. "There, there, Heero. I know you just miss having a wife."

Heero's face turned an interesting shade of scarlet.

"Has anyone thought about how we are going to explain Duo's sex change to Hieronymus Gree if we run into him again, which seems very likely?" Zechs inquired casually.

The group was relaxing after dinner in the lounge of their hotel which, for the moment, was occupied only by them. Most everyone was seated on a couch or chair, except for Roku, who was kneeling by Quatre's chair watching Jett eat. Even though he was in human form, he kept licking the top of her head.

"Would you stop that?" Quatre muttered.

"But her hair's not clean."

"Getting your spit all over her isn't going to change that."

"It would work better if I was a tiger."

"Tiger spit's no better than boy spit."

Roku made a face. "Can I bathe her when she's done eating?"

"Yes, but in a basin and no playing mobile suit attack. She's too small."

"I know that!"

"About Hieronymus…" Zechs prompted.

"Well, if you think about it," Treize said, studying Duo thoughtfully, "if you don't actually know Duo is a boy and had previously believed him to be a girl, you might still think so."

"That's true," agreed Wu-Fei. "After all, he had those tiny little titties that barely stuck out more than he does now."

"My tits were not tiny!" Duo protested.

"Yes they were," everyone replied.

"You people suck!" Duo grumbled.

Heero shoved Duo out of his lap. "So why is Quatre feeding your baby and not you?"

"He bought the milk."

"That is the stupidest excuse I've ever heard."

"What do you expect? I haven't had anything to drink in weeks. My mind is all messed up."

"That's ridiculous, Duo!" Wu-Fei exclaimed. "Being sober should make you more clear-headed."

"Maybe that's how your brain works. I need several beers with some chaser shots to get my brain cells operating properly again. Let's go to a saloon."

"We can't take the children to a saloon," Quatre said sternly.

"We don't all have to go. You and Hadeya can stay here and look after the kids."

"Who says I want to go?" Zechs said archly.

"Argh!" Duo cried. "I don't care who goes! I need a drink! Have pity on me! You lot have been swilling beer like water since we landed in this time and I've had NOTHING! Where's the justice in that?"

"I think Duo makes a fair point," Treize spoke up. "I personally would like to see more of San Francisco and I don't mind starting with the night life. As I recall, there were a lot of gambling establishments in San Francisco of this time as well."

"Gambling?" Duo's eyes lit up. "Drinking and gambling…" He sighed dreamily.

Quatre rolled his eyes. "Did you have to mention gambling, Treize?"

"Duo deserves a reward," Treize said firmly. "He pushed his daughter out the old-fashioned way. It only seems fair."

Duo floated over to Treize and poured into his lap. "You are a true gentleman, Treize Kushranada." He put his head on Treize's shoulder.

"Get out of his lap, you sleazy man-whore," Zechs growled.

"But he's the only one who appreciates me."

Zechs gave Duo a dark glare and Duo yelped. He leaped out of Treize's lap.

"Ok! Ok! I'm out! Man, you shouldn't think those kinds of thoughts at people."

"Just keep your hands off my property and we'll get along just fine."

"Your property?" Treize lifted an eyebrow.

Zechs tipped his head to one side and fixed Treize with a deep blue stare. "You don't want to belong to me?" he purred throatily.

Treize blinked once. "I… ah…"

"Give up, Treize," Trowa chuckled. "Just admit you're wrapped around his little finger and be done with it."

Treize hung his head. "I'm his slave."

Zechs laughed softly. "That's right and I will allow you to serve me later."

Duo paled. "Oh lord, he's doing it again!" He squeezed his eyes shut and clamped his hands over his ears. "La-la-la-la! I'm not listening! Nasty, filthy, graphic thoughts of warm intimate coupling are NOT filling my head! La-la-la-la!"

"Does that really work when it's telepathy?" Trowa wondered.

"Probably not," said Wu-Fei.

"Maybe you should take him to the saloon before he tries to drag you and Heero off to bed."

"Good idea."

Wu-Fei stood up and grasped Duo by the elbow. "Come on, Duo. Let's go find a saloon. Say, Roku, could you give us some money, please?"

Roku produced a couple of bags of coins and handed them over. "It's mostly gold, but there might be some silver, too."

"Thanks."

"I will stay with the children," Hadeya volunteered. "I am not in the mood for drinking or gambling."

"I'll stay, too," said Quatre. "I don't need to see Duo get into a drinking contest with a bunch of miners."

"Do you want me to keep you company?" Trowa asked. "Once Jett settles down for the night, we could, um, play cards or something."

"Another euphemism," Duo muttered.

"That would be nice," Quatre replied to Trowa, with a frown for Duo.

So, with that settled, Duo, Heero, Wu-Fei, Treize and Zechs went out to look for a saloon. They found several down near the waterfront. Brilliant light spilled out into the street through windows made of real glass, making the churned up mud in the road glisten. Music and raucous laughter tumbled out past the swinging doors across the entrances.

"So which one looks good to you, Duo?" asked Treize. "This was your idea."

"This one!" Duo decided, stopping in front of an establishment that stood three stories tall with an enormous painted sign proclaiming it "The Golden Spike". A balcony below the sign sported several scantily clad women who shouted lecherous suggestions to the passersby below. "This looks like a good place."

"I daresay," Zechs remarked, "because it appears to be about as disreputable as they come."

Duo rubbed his hands together. "That's what I like about! Let's get some beer and relieve a few dozen miners of their hard-earned gold."

They pushed through the swinging doors and entered The Golden Spike saloon. The place roared with excitement and activity. A single enormous room filled most of the ground floor. At the rear was a small stage where gaudily made-up women in skimpy costumes danced for an appreciative audience of roaring men. The entire left side of the room was occupied by a long bar where those intent on serious drinking were lined up. Several small round tables with chairs were set up near the bar for those who wanted to sit down while they drank, served by waitresses dressed about the same as the dancers. The rest of the room was occupied by gambling tables. Roulette, craps, black jack and poker were all available.

Duo studied the scene with an intent expression. "All right, let's start with a little drinking while I figure out which tables are rigged. After that, I'll drop a little seed money to see how gullible they are. Then we'll start cleaning up. This should be fun!"

They took seats at one of the little tables by shoving a couple of unconscious drunks onto the floor to make space. A waitress almost immediately came over to them.

"What can I get for you, gentlemen?" she began cheerfully and then her eyes fell on Zechs. Her breath caught a little. "We have beer, wine, whisky and whores." She stared at Zechs openly. "If you want the latter, I'm available."

"Thank you, but no," Zechs demurred. "We are planning to do a little gambling this evening."

The woman made a face and leaned over, pretty much revealing all her charms, so she could whisper loudly, "The games are all rigged, Sir! You'd be better off spending your money on a sure thing. I'd give you a good ride."

Zechs offered her a brilliant smile that made her flush a deep red. "Your offer is most appealing and I shall keep it in mind. But for the moment, we would like beers all around with whisky chasers. And my friend there," he indicated Duo, "has just recently been released from a forced abstinence, so bring him his first three rounds all at once, please."

The waitress looked disappointed but she bobbed her head obediently. "Very good, Sir. I'll be just a moment." She hurried away to the bar.

Duo beamed at Zechs. "I'll never touch your man inappropriately again, my lord Count!"

Zechs just smiled.

"She said all the tables were rigged," noted Wu-Fei.

"I daresay they are," agreed Duo, "but there's good and bad ways to rig a table. Both are pretty easy to crack once you know what they're doing, especially with these old mechanical models. And with the card games about all they can do is card-marking and stacking the deck. But they have to be pretty careful about that because if they're caught, the business will go elsewhere. So they're probably just using shills at the card games. The craps are probably legitimate. It's hard to hide loaded dice and that's about the only way to cheat at that game."

"You cheat at dice all the time," Heero interrupted.

Duo winked at him. "Yeah, but I'm good at it."

The waitress returned with their drinks and Duo almost cried as his three brimming beers and three thick shot glasses of whisky were set in front of him. "Oh, bless you!" He reverently lifted the first beer and downed it in one long pull. Then he picked up a shot glass and tossed it back happily. "Hee-hee!" he giggled. "That warmed me up a little! Three or four more like that and I may start to get a buzz! I'm happy now!"

Wu-Fei sipped his beer delicately and immediately gagged. "This stuff is atrocious!"

"That's why you chase it with the whisky," Zechs advised. "It kills the taste."

Wu-Fei sniffed the whisky and gasped. "That's even worse! I don't even have to taste it!"

Heero calmly took the shot glass out of Wu-Fei's hand. "It's flammable, too, so I think you should just keep your distance."

"I wonder if they have Sarsaparilla?" Wu-Fei said mournfully.

"Probably." Zechs signaled the waitress. "Can you bring my friend a Sarsaparilla?"

"Certainly." She bustled off and returned a moment later with a brimming mug of the fizzy soft drink.

Wu-Fei sipped it gratefully. "Now this I can stomach."

"And I'll just take these off your hands," Duo said gleefully as he pulled Wu-Fei's beer and whisky toward himself. Then he nodded toward one of the Roulette tables. "I think I want to start there. They're using a mechanical switch and a magnet to pull the ball into black or red. I want to see how reliable the system is. After that, I want to try that poker table over there. I've figured out who the shill is and I've also figured out how he and the dealer are communicating. It should be pretty easy to undermine their system."

"You're part demon, aren't you Duo?" Treize remarked.

"Not me! Once again and hopefully for a long time, I am all man!" Duo downed his third beer and chaser. "Let's go capture some gold, gentlemen!" He picked up his remaining beer and shot and led the way to the tables.

A long while later only Duo and Treize were still gambling. Heero, Wu-Fei and Zechs had retired to one of the tables near the bar.

"That black jack dealer is starting to look kind of terrified," Wu-Fei remarked.

"He should," Zechs chuckled. "Duo and Treize are winning way too consistently. He's supposed to let them get a little up and then clean them out, but just when he tries to pounce, they make small bets and he doesn't get anything from them. His bosses appear to have noticed, too." Zechs nodded toward a couple of well-dressed men standing at the end of the bar watching the room. They did not look happy.

"Maybe Duo and Treize should move to a new table."

"It wouldn't help at this point. They've been noticed."

"How much have they won?"

"Probably ten thousand dollars, which is a lot for this era."

"But we already won fifteen thousand when we were all playing," Heero said. "Why are they still gambling? We didn't need all this money in the first place. Roku's probably got a million dollars shoved in his storage space."

"As Duo pointed out before: it's not having the money, it's the process of accumulation that's fun."

"Sheesh!"

At long last, Duo and Treize stood up and Treize handed the dealer a tip. The young man accepted it with a nervous smile.

"Tipping that dealer may have signed his death warrant," Zechs said when the two joined them. "His bosses noticed how much you were winning."

"I noticed that, too," Treize replied. "The tip was just large enough to acknowledge we won, but not so large as to imply that he helped us win. He may just get beat up."

"How generous," Zechs chuckled.

"Can we go now?" Heero demanded plaintively. "I'm tired."

"Sure!" Duo grinned contentedly. "I feel all warm inside and my pockets are full of cash."

They left the saloon and set off up the street toward their hotel. The gas streetlamps shed small pools of yellow light that cast the rest of the street into semi-darkness. As they traversed one of these dimly lit patches, they were jumped by men leaping on them from all directions flailing clubs.

"Goddammit!" Heero shouted. "Who the fuck are these assholes?!"

"I imagine they're from the saloon," Treize said calmly as he ducked under a blow aimed at his head.

"Winning all that money may not have been a good idea," said Zechs as he kneed one fellow in the gut.

"They probably plan to rob us and leave us to be shanghaied," Wu-Fei grunted. "How fast do you want to finish this?"

A sudden scream was quickly cut off by a gurgling sound. Heero yanked a knife free from one fellow's neck and spun toward another with a wicked grin on his face. A second knife appeared in his other hand.

"Oh, look, Heero's having fun!" Duo exclaimed. "Let him play, Wu-Fei. You can singe the next batch."

Everyone backed off and left the would-be robbers to Heero.

"We've let Heero get rusty," Wu-Fei noted clinically. "That attack just then should have stabbed clean through the eye socket."

"Yeah, he usually gets that one into the brain," Duo agreed.

"And that one there," Wu-Fei pointed. "He got him under the chin, but all he did was sever the wind pipe, jugular and vocal cords. Now we've got to wait for the guy to choke to death in his own blood. Normally, Heero would have put that right into his brain stem and felled him on the spot."

"When you're right, you're right. All this gunplay has let Heero's hand-to-hand skills atrophy."

"Oh, now I think he's getting back into it. Did you see that?"

"Yeah, that was nice. Spilled his intestines right out. Very well done. Oh, I like that!"

"Definitely! The double-cut to the wrist and elbow to make that guy drop his club was pretty tricky."

"And a double-hamstringing! Get out! He's really on his game now."

And in seemingly no time at all, a dozen or so burly-looking men lay dead or dying in the street and Heero was pretty-thoroughly splattered with blood, but his expression was downright cheerful. He ripped a strip of relatively clean cloth off of one of the dead men and wiped his knives clean, humming contentedly.

"We should probably find a horse trough or a rain barrel so Heero can clean up before we go back to the hotel," Zechs said. "It might cause a stir if he walks into the lobby like that."

"A practical suggestion," Treize agreed.

They found a partly full rain barrel in an alley a few blocks away and upended it over Heero. Damp but more or less clean, he remained cheerful all the way back to the hotel.

"Say, Heero," Duo said as they traversed the lobby. "I've been a guy again for nearly two whole days now and I haven't had any hot guy action. That's like an eternity. What say you and me and Wu-Fei go upstairs and have some serious sex?"

Heero shrugged. "Why not? I was feeling a little pent-up before, but now a few hours of sex sounds nice and relaxing."

Duo grinned. "Can I be in the middle?"

"Sure."

Wu-Fei sighed. "I don't suppose it would make any difference if I said I was hoping to get some sleep."

"You can go to sleep if you want," Duo leered at him. "You don't have to be awake to participate."

"That's not right!" Wu-Fei complained. "You can't just go around fucking a guy while he's asleep."

"Yes I can. But before we do that, I want to check on Jett. She's in Quatre's room."

"How do you know that?"

"I can hear her."

"Do babies think?"

Duo scratched his head. "She makes pictures. They're kind of blurry, but mostly they look like Roku."

"That's probably because he's always slobbering on her head," Heero said.

The three of them stopped at Quatre and Trowa's room and tapped on the door. When there was no answer, they peeked in. Quatre and Trowa were asleep in the room's only bed. Jett was bundled in blankets in a tiny bassinet beside the bed. She blinked at them and cooed.

Duo crept into the room and picked her up. "Hey, sweetie! You hungry?"

Jett gurgled and made a grab for his finger.

"Here's her milk," Wu-Fei whispered. "Give her to me. I'll feed her."

"You're just trying to get out of unsolicited sex."

"Just give me the baby. You two go fuck."

"You're a generous friend, Wu-Fei."

"Get out." Wu-Fei took Jett from Duo and settled down in a chair to feed her. Trowa and Quatre never stirred.

Heero and Duo stepped out and quietly closed the door.

Duo grinned at Heero. "There seems to be nothing left for us to do but fuck until we pass out."

"Sounds good."

They retreated to their room.

Down the hall, Zechs and Treize stopped to check on Alexa in the room she was sharing with Roku and Hadeya. Although the room had two narrow beds, Roku and Alexa were sleeping sprawled across Hadeya, who had one arm curled protectively around the little girl and the other draped across Roku's furry back.

"His legs must be completely asleep," Zechs whispered. "Roku really does weigh a ton in that form."

"He's a demi-god. He can take it."

They backed out and closed the door.

"There doesn't seem to be anything else for us to do but retire for the night." Zechs said with a smile. "As I recall, I was going to allow you to serve me."

Treize returned his smile. "That's right. Was there any particular service you had in mind?"

"Well…" Zechs purred. "I do seem to have a tight spot that could use a long, slow, firm, deep massage to loosen it."

"I see. Will I need to undress you first?"

"I think you will have to in order to massage the spot most effectively. You might need to use oil as well."

"Very well. I shall do my best to fulfill your expectations."

"I trust you will give me everything I need."

"Even if it takes me all night."


	12. Food of the Gods?

_It's a little short, but at least I finished a chapter! Take that, stupid job!_

-o-o-o-o-o-

Chapter 12: **Food of the Gods?**

Standing in a circle, everyone stared down at little Jett in her bassinet. The dark-haired baby stared back up at them with wide, curious eyes.

"What the hell did you feed her last night, Fei?" Duo finally exploded. "She's huge!"

He pointed accusingly at his daughter. Her little feet, which had fit just fine in the bassinet the night before, now stuck out over the end and her little shoulders were bunched up against the sides.

"It was just milk!" Wu-Fei exclaimed defensively. "The same stuff Quatre's been feeding her."

Duo turned accusing eyes on Quatre.

"What are you looking at me for?" Quatre demanded. "You know perfectly well that the pregnancy acceleration spell causes unexpected growth spurts. She'll settle out after a while, just like Roku and Alexa did."

"But… But…"

"Give it a rest, Duo!" Heero growled. "It's not like we haven't seen this before."

"But she looks like she's two months old and it's barely been a week!"

"I think she's cute," Roku said. He leaned over the bassinet and favored his little sister with a long, slobbery swipe of his tongue. Jett gurgled and made a grab for his whiskers.

"Oh, great! Now she needs a bath," Duo groaned.

"No doubt the first of many brought on by a liberal application of tiger drool," Zechs noted, glancing pointedly at Alexa.

Alexa knelt down beside Roku. "Do you think her hair will stay fluffy like that?"

"It's hard to say," said Quatre. "Your hair was a lot straighter when you were born. Now you've got all those curls."

"Babies' hair tends to change as they get older," Trowa said. "But it will probably stay dark like that."

"I think it's pretty," Alexa said and she ruffled the fluffy dark hair on top of Jett's head.

Jett tracked Alexa's hand with a little frown of concentration and tried to grab a finger. Alexa giggled and let the baby capture a digit, which Jett promptly shoved in her mouth.

"That tickles!" Alexa squealed as Jett gummed her finger vigorously.

"Don't tell me she's teething already!" Duo exclaimed. "She'd have to be like… six months old for that, wouldn't she?"

"Just be glad you're not nursing her," Treize remarked.

Duo winced and reflexively covered his chest.

"Anyway, she probably needs food after a growth spurt like that," Quatre said matter-of-factly. "Let's get a couple gallons of milk."

"Gallons?!"

"Remember how Roku used to drink it by the bucketful?"

"And he pretty much ate his weight in raw meat every day," Trowa added.

"He sure was cute!" Wu-Fei grinned.

"And remember how he used to fight when Quatre would try to wash his face?"

"And now you can barely keep him out of the bathtub."

"I think Jett's going to cry," Alexa interrupted.

Jett's face was scrunched up and turning red and she began making little whiny noises.

Duo scooped her out of the bassinet. "There, there, little one. We'll get you some breakfast."

Roku changed forms and everyone trooped downstairs and into the hotel dining room.

"Good morning, my friends!" Hieronymus Gree called out cheerfully as soon as they entered. "I was hoping I would see you today. Ah! Miss Maxwell! Is this your lovely baby?"

"Yes, although she's about to be very unlovely. She needs breakfast."

"Here we go," Wu-Fei said. He appeared at Duo's elbow with a bottle of milk. "I just told the waitress to make a few more."

"Good." Duo plopped down at a table and nestled Jett into the crook of one elbow. She squirmed and let out an angry little shriek. "Give me that!" Duo exclaimed. He snatched the bottle from Wu-Fei and jammed it in her mouth. "I almost understood that." He stared suspiciously at Heero. "Have you been swearing around Jett?"

"What?!"

"So what brings you to see us today, Mr. Gree?" Treize spoke up loudly, hoping to distract Hieronymus from staring too closely at Duo's flat chest.

"Oh… uh… Ahem, yes!" Hieronymus' normally effusive grin returned. "Recalling that you gentlemen seemed to have rather unlimited resources at your disposal, I thought you might be interested in joining a little business venture I recently learned about."

"A business venture?" Treize frowned slightly. "It's not snake oil, is it?"

"Oh, nothing like that!" Hieronymus laughed. "That only works in the plains. This is something more suitable for the sophisticated atmosphere of a fine city like San Francisco." He leaned closer and lowered his voice. "I have learned that a gentleman up north on the other side of the bay is interested in selling his vineyard. Wine is the drink of the future, my friends! This is our chance to get in on the ground floor of what will one day be a thriving industry. What do you say?" Hieronymus stared at them with sparkling eyes.

"He is selling snake oil," Heero muttered.

"Is the vineyard in an area called Napa Valley?" Treize asked casually.

"You've heard of it?" Hieronymus' hopeful grin widened.

"I might have. There are a few vineyards up there already, aren't there?"

"Yes, but only a few. This is our chance to get one of the finest properties."

"Do you know anything about growing grapes or making wine, Mr. Gree?" Zechs asked.

"No, but I'm sure I can hire someone who does."

"It seems like a lot of work just to make money," Duo said. "Why not just keep gambling? That works too and it's a lot faster."

"Alas, but I haven't your natural talent, Miss Maxwell. I fear I will need an actual vocation if I am to retire in comfort."

Quatre gestured furiously at Treize and drew him aside. "You're not seriously considering this, are you? We can't leave that kind of evidence of our presence in the past."

"So Duo fathering half a dozen kids in old England wasn't leaving evidence?"

"They didn't know his name! And we aren't that far in the past right now. Record-keeping from this time is good enough that people in our time might still know about who owned vineyards in Napa Valley in the 1870s."

Treize looked wistful. "I used to grow grapes on my estate. I made this really nice little Bordeaux…"

Quatre made a strangling noise. "Have Zechs set aside a dome for you on Mars! We are not buying a vineyard."

"We'd just be partners…"

"You're supposed to be the sensible one!"

Treize sighed. "You're cruel, Quatre."

"Just do as I say."

They rejoined the others.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Gree," Treize said sadly, "but we feel it might not be in our best interest at this time to invest in such a venture."

Hieronymus' shoulders slumped. "How unfortunate…" he began, but Duo interrupted.

"Oh, just give him some money and let him try his luck. It's almost like gambling, in a way. If he fails, he's on his own and he owes us nothing. If he succeeds, we'll turn up in twenty years and demand our cut. Sound fair?"

Hieronymus' eyes lit up. "Miss Maxwell, such generosity is… is…"

"I know, I know!" Duo waved a hand modestly.

Wu-Fei put a hand on Duo's forehead. "Do you feel all right, Duo? Giving away money…"

"He caught me in a generous moment."

Jett abruptly shoved the now-empty bottle away and shrieked at the top of her lungs. Two crystal goblets on a nearby table shattered.

Duo grimaced. "Get me another bottle! Quick!"

Heero promptly handed him one. Duo shoved it quickly into Jett's mouth before she could utter another piercing shriek and possibly shatter more glassware.

"The kid's got lungs," Heero remarked.

"Indeed," Trowa agreed.

"So," Hieronymus said, "I myself have about one thousand dollars in gold to invest, but I think the final sale price will be around ten to twelve thousand. I know that sounds like a lot…"

"Roku," said Duo. "How much do you have?"

"I don't know. I haven't counted it lately. Just a second." Roku sat down on the floor cross-legged. He sat quietly for several seconds with a pensive look on his face. "Ok," he said finally, "There are three hundred ninety-five thousand eight hundred and seventy-seven gold coins and one hundred twenty-one thousand two hundred and nine silver coins. I didn't count the copper ones because there's like a million of them."

Dead silence greeted this statement. Then several people spoke up at once.

"How did you count that?" Wu-Fei exclaimed.

"Is there really that much?" Trowa asked.

"Hey, that's more than I thought!" Duo remarked.

"Where are you keeping it all?" Quatre groaned.

Roku blinked in confusion.

"Well, it sounds like we certainly have some to spare," Zechs said dryly.

Hieronymus' mouth was hanging open.

Duo grinned. "Why don't you give Hieronymus fifteen thousand or so gold coins, Roku?"

Roku glanced at Hieronymus. "How's he going to carry it?"

"Good point," Treize said. "We should probably go to a bank and transfer it into a letter of credit."

Alexa pointed at Hieronymus. "He looks funny just staring like that."

"It's not polite to point, sweetie," Zechs said quietly. "But you're right, he does look funny."

Hieronymus swallowed once or twice to get his voice working again. "Gentlemen, Miss Maxwell, I don't know what to say."

"Just say thank you," Duo chuckled.

Jett bunched up her little fists and sent the second empty milk bottle flying. It bounced off the side of Trowa's head, who had the misfortune to not be looking at that moment.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jett howled.

Goblets in all directions exploded into shards. The chandeliers overhead shuddered and dozens of crystal pendants plunged to the floor. Cracks appeared in the nearer windows. People clamped their hands over their ears in a desperate bid to save eardrums from shattering or having their brains turned to mush.

"BOTTLE!" Duo shouted, although his voice barely registered above Jett's furious shriek.

Three bottles were flung at him.

Duo snatched one out of the air and jammed it into Jett's mouth. The ensuing silence sounded quieter than the emptiness of space.

"Good god!" Quatre whispered. "What have we created?"

Wu-Fei picked up the other two bottles, which miraculously had not broken, and knelt by Duo's chair, ready to replace the one Jett was working on the instant she finished.

Duo stared round-eyed at the others. "Get more bottles!"

Heero and Trowa dashed for the kitchen.

"I think," Treize said dazedly, "that Roku and I should go to the bank with Mr. Gree."

"Alexa and I will go with you," Zechs said, rubbing his ears.

The five of them quickly left the hotel.

"My ears are still ringing," Wu-Fei said.

"I wish I could hear well enough to tell if my ears are ringing," Duo said. "How can someone this small make a sound that loud?"

"Was it the volume or the pitch?" Wu-Fei wondered clinically.

"A little of each, I'd say," Quatre said. He pulled a chair over and sat next to the others. "She certainly seems very decisive about what she wants."

"I think I can see her growing," Duo muttered. "This bottle's almost empty."

Wu-Fei staged the next bottle and they executed a neat handoff. Jett sucked contentedly on the new bottle, poking a foot at Wu-Fei.

"What cute feet!" Wu-Fei said. "Who's do they remind you of?"

"Heero's" Quatre and Duo said in unison.

"She looks a lot like Roku, though."

"Yeah, she does."

Trowa and Heero returned from the kitchen with two more bottles a piece.

"This better be enough," Trowa said. "They're out of milk."

They all watched in alarm as Jett continued to suck down bottles of milk.

"I think she's slowing down," Duo said with relief as Jett worked on the next to last bottle. Her eyelids were starting to droop a little. "Her thought images are getting kind of fuzzy."

Jett finished the bottle and they gave her the last one. She sucked on it slowly, blinking sleepily up at Duo.

"She sure is cute," Duo said, "but I don't remember Alexa eating this much so soon."

"She did," Quatre said, "but you were too busy screwing Heimdall to notice."

"I was not always screwing Heimdall!" Duo protested. "Sometimes I was screwing Wu-Fei."

"Leave me out of this."

"If she keeps eating like that, we're going to need our own herd of cows," Heero muttered.

"Maybe not," Quatre said. "At this rate, we can probably start her on solid food next week. Rice porridge should take longer to digest."

"Rice porridge? Why not steak and eggs?"

"She doesn't have any teeth yet."

"I doubt that would inhibit her much."

"I think she's finished," Duo announced. The remaining bottle had less than an ounce in it, but Jett's eyes were closed and a little trail of milky drool was running down her cheek. Duo handed the bottle to Wu-Fei and shifted her up onto his shoulder.

"Are you sure you want to try to burp her?" Wu-Fei asked nervously. "Who knows what she'll produce? She may knock the windows out."

"My ladylike child will not belch like a beer-swilling sailor!"

"Or you?"

"Shut up!" Duo patted Jett's back gently. After a moment, she emitted a small burp, along with a few milk bubbles. "There we go. Now I think she needs a nap. But she's not going to fit in that bassinet."

"True," said Quatre. "We should get her a crib. In fact, I think we might want to find an entire house to go with the crib."

"What for?"

Quatre nodded toward the door, where several hotel employees, including a gentleman who was probably the owner, were staring at the damage to the dining room.

"Oh."

"I'll talk to him," said Trowa. "I'll tell him we'll pay for all the damages. And then we should go look for a place to rent, because I think Quatre's right. We don't need people noticing how fast Jett's growing." Trowa trotted over to the hotel owner with a friendly smile.

The owner immediately began complaining in a surprisingly shrill voice about the state of his dining room.

"That doesn't appear to be going well," Wu-Fei remarked.

"Trowa will calm him down," Quatre said confidently. "I wonder how one goes about renting a house in these times."

"They have newspapers," Wu-Fei said. "We'll look in the classified ads."

"Hey, yeah!" Duo perked up. "They printed those on big presses with real ink and everything. I read about it once."

"You read something?" Heero stared in astonishment.

"Quit making fun of me," Duo pouted. "Go get us a newspaper."

"Ok." Heero slipped out of the dining room, trying not to draw the attention of the owner, who was still complaining bitterly to Trowa.

"We'll have to give that guy some money as soon as Roku gets back so he'll shut up," Duo grumbled. "He's going to wake up Jett."

"Why don't we go upstairs while we wait for Heero?" Wu-Fei suggested.

"Good idea."

"I'll give Trowa a hand," Quatre said.

"You know, Fei," Duo said as they started up the stairs, "we could have a quickie while Jett is sleeping."

"And you think that won't wake her up?"

"We can be really quiet."

"You're never quiet."

"I'll try really hard. Please!"

"Oh, all right! Just quit making that face."

"Yay!"

Unfortunately for them, Heero caught them in the act when he returned with the newspaper.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"You know perfectly well what we're doing," Duo grunted.

"Jett is sleeping right there!"

"Yeah, I know."

"I can't believe you're a party to this indecent behavior in front of a child, Wu-Fei."

"She's asleep!" Wu-Fei groaned. "Besides, what difference does it make if she's on the outside or the inside? She's been there listening to us do it for a while now."

"But…"

"Oh, shut up and take your clothes off!" Duo panted. "You can join in."

"What?!"

"Don't be such a prude, Heero," Wu-Fei gasped. "Hurry up, before the others get back."

"I can't believe I'm doing this," Heero muttered. "I'm at least going to lock the door."

Downstairs, Trowa and Quatre finally managed to convince the hotel owner that they would indeed pay for all his damages and he had only to give them a bill. As he stomped off, still complaining, Quatre shook his head.

"What a jackass! A sensible businessman would have been figuring out how to slide other things into the cost of repairing the damage Jett caused."

"True," Trowa agreed. "I wonder if Heero's back yet. I didn't see him come in."

They went upstairs and found the door to Heero, Duo and Wu-Fei's room locked.

"Do you hear something?" Quatre said.

"I do," said Trowa with a smirk. "I daresay Heero is back but we may have to wait awhile to see the paper."

"Can't they go for four hours with fucking?" Quatre exclaimed. He knocked on the door. "Can you stop for two seconds and slip the damn paper under the door?"

There was a muffled exclamation, followed by a thump and the sound of scurrying feet. A second later, the paper shot out under the door.

"Thanks!" Quatre snapped sarcastically.

An explosion of giggling wafted through the locked door.

"Idiots!" Quatre grumbled. He led the way back to his and Trowa's room so they could sit down and look through the ads. "Let's look for two houses. I'm not sure I want to live with those fools."


	13. New Digs

_So I found out if I skip that whole sleeping thing, I can get all kinds of writing done. But I have this nagging feeling that this might not be a good idea in the long term._

-o-o-o-o-

Chapter 13: **New Digs**

"He wants how much to fix his dining room?!" Treize exclaimed. "That's ridiculous! It's just a little bit of broken glass!"

"But glass is much harder to come by in this era," Trowa pointed out reasonably. "He probably has to have it shipped here."

"I still say he's gouging us."

"Probably, but it's better to buy back his good will. We don't want to get kicked out of the hotel until we've found a place."

"It's ok, Uncle Treize, we have lots of money."

"I know, but that's not the point. It's the principle of the thing."

"Don't worry about it, Treize," Quatre said. "We found a couple of interesting house prospects in the paper. There are a few places that sound like they might be nice not too far from here. Trowa and I were planning to check them out tomorrow. Does anyone else want to go?"

"I would like to go," Hadeya said.

"It sounds interesting," Zechs said. "Count me in. What about you, Treize?"

"Well, ah," Treize cleared his throat sheepishly. "I was chatting with Hieronymus on the way back."

"I noticed."

"And I was thinking that it might be a good idea if I accompanied him up to Napa Valley to look over this vineyard. I know quite a bit more about the business than Hieronymus. I can make sure he's not getting duped."

Zechs frowned. "Oh?"

"I just want to check it out. I'm not planning to get too involved."

"He sounds like he's making excused," Wu-Fei muttered to Duo.

"And Zechs isn't buying it," Duo whispered back.

Zechs continued to frown at Treize. "I am quite sure that letting you go up there alone is a bad idea."

"I wouldn't be alone," Treize said brightly. "I'd be with Hieronymus!"

"Somehow, a politician and a gambler alone together making a business deal sounds like a disaster waiting to happen."

"I just want to be there to give Hieronymus the benefit of my sage advice."

"Oh, really?"

"Really!"

Zechs lifted an eyebrow.

Treize hung his head. "I already told him I'd go."

"I think perhaps I'd better go with you."

Treize brightened. "That's great! Just imagine…" He slipped an arm around Zechs' waist. "The two of us alone on a hillside in the moonlight with fields of grapes spreading out in all directions. Opportunities for romance abound."

"And where will Hieronymus be during this imagined tryst?"

"Who cares?" Treize put his lips next to Zechs' ear. "I'll find ways to get you alone in such a romantic setting," he whispered.

Zechs pursed his lips to keep from smiling. "I see. Well, it seems like you have this all planned out. But what about Alexa?"

"May I stay here with Roku and Jett, Mommy?" Alexa immediately piped up. "I don't want to miss Jett growing up."

"Very well," Zechs agreed. "You can stay here. But I think we shouldn't leave until after we've moved out of the hotel. Otherwise, how will we know where to find the others later?"

"I'll tell you," Duo volunteered. "Since I know you guys pretty well, I can probably violate your minds over that distance."

"Excuse me?"

Duo chuckled. "I'll think at you. I'm sure you'll hear me."

"Oh."

"Well, now that that's settled," Duo said, "where are we going to eat dinner? The hotel dining room's out."

"Let's go down to the waterfront," Trowa suggested. "I hear there's a really great Mexican restaurant there."

"Last time we went down there we nearly got shanghaied," Heero muttered.

"And you had a great time," Duo pointed out.

Heero smirked. "Yeah, that fight was pretty good."

"Maybe you'll get in another one."

Heero brightened considerably. "You think so?"

"It's a rough area. I'm sure there are all kinds of thugs waiting to jump innocent people."

Heero rubbed his hands together. "Let's go to the waterfront."

On the way out of the hotel, Quatre gave the owner a bag of gold coins. The weight of the gold in his hand improved the gentleman's disposition considerably.

The next morning, the group found themselves in the not-closed-for-repair dining room of a neighboring hotel explaining to Hieronymus Gree why everyone except Duo, Quatre and the kids looked like they had been in a fight.

"Who knew a Mexican restaurant could run out of tortillas?" Duo was saying.

"They might not have if you and Roku hadn't started that flauta eating contest," Quatre grumbled.

"But their flautas were really good, Mama!"

"I'm not arguing that, but did you have to eat every scrap of food in the restaurant?!"

"Is that what started the fight?" asked Hieronymus.

"It wasn't a fight; it was a brawl," Quatre corrected. "And my restrained companions were right in the middle of it."

Hieronymus sighed sadly. "I'm sorry I missed it. There's nothing like a good brawl."

"It was kind of fun," Zechs admitted. Of the group, he looked to have fared the best.

"That's because no one would hit you in the face!" Heero snapped.

"Is that my fault?" Zechs said with a beautiful smile. He tossed his silver hair back over his shoulder. "I was only trying to convince the gentlemen to stop fighting."

"By flirting with them and then punching them in the gut when they were distracted!"

"Every man has his own technique in a fight."

"So how did it end?" Hieronymus asked. "Did the police show up?"

"No, actually," Quatre cleared his throat, "a series of, ah, unexpected events occurred which brought the fighting to a close."

"Oh?"

"Someone threw chili powder in Papa Wu-Fei's face!" Roku chuckled.

"Why would that stop the fight?" Hieronymus stared from one to the other curiously.

"Well…" said Quatre.

"Because it made him sneeze!"

"He sneezed?"

"Yup!" Roku chortled gleefully. "He shot fire clear across the room."

"Shot fire…" Hieronymus stared in confusion.

"Roku!" Quatre said sharply.

"Oh, what does it matter?" Duo interrupted. "Hieronymus is practically like family now." He grinned at the befuddled gambler. "Wu-Fei can breathe fire and he can't control it when he sneezes. It was hysterical. He started about fifteen fires all at once. People were screaming trying to put their clothes out and the waitresses were trying to stop the tables from burning."

"The restaurant burned down?!" Hieronymus exclaimed.

"No. Our resident sorcerer Quatre here called up a thunderstorm inside the restaurant and started a torrential downpour. Put the fires out in seconds. After that, no one felt like fighting anymore."

Hieronymus stared.

"Duo!" Quatre groaned.

"Why pretend?" Duo said cheerfully. "I'm sure Hieronymus has noticed by now that I'm not a girl anymore."

"Well, in fact," Hieronymus began uncertainly. "I had wondered…"

"We're sort of magical," Duo admitted. "But it's nothing to worry about. Our gold is real."

Hieronymus blinked for a moment and then grinned. "That is what's most important, after all," he agreed. "Well, then, about this trip up to Napa Valley…"

"Treize and I will be accompanying you," Zechs said.

"Both of you? That's wonderful! I've made arrangements for a wagon and horses. We can take the ferry across the bay."

"Very good," Treize said. "We can leave anytime once we get our things from the hotel."

"Perfect! Why don't we go now?" Hieronymus' eyes were sparkling. "We can catch the noon ferry and be half-way to our destination by nightfall."

"All right." Zechs picked up Alexa and gave her a warm kiss. "Be a good girl and listen to Quatre."

"Yes, Mommy."

Treize kissed Alexa, too, and then he, Zechs and Hieronymus left.

"How come Zechs told Alexa to listen to Quatre?" Duo complained. "I'm a mother, too! Why not me?"

"Because I'm sensible," Quatre said.

"What?! I can be sensible!"

"Of course you can."

"Quit patronizing me!"

"Shall we go house-hunting now?" Trowa suggested.

"Yes, please," Wu-Fei said.

"Two of the places we want to look at are being managed by the same agency," Trowa said. "We should go to their office first and get someone to take us on a tour."

"That's a good idea."

The real estate agency had a small office in the downtown area. When they arrived, everyone else waited outside while Quatre and Trowa went inside to inquire about the houses they were interested in. After only a few minutes, the pair came back out with a middle-aged woman wearing a large flowered hat with a leather satchel clutched under one arm.

"How do you do?" she greeted the others. "I'm Mrs. Pomfrey. I am looking forward to showing you the fine properties we have available. We offer only the very best to a select clientele, so I'm sure we will have something to suit your needs. Please follow me!" She led the way to the corner at a brisk walk, where they then waited for public transportation to take them to their first destination.

The first house they looked at was quite a bit smaller than they wanted.

"We need something larger, Mrs. Pomfrey," Trowa explained. "There are two more gentlemen in our family, so we need a place with quite a few bedrooms."

"And with a good-sized bathroom," Wu-Fei added. "We enjoy regular bathing."

"Well…" Mrs. Pomfrey mused. "There is a much larger home available. It's not on the list you showed me, but…" She offered them a disturbingly bright smile. "But perhaps you will find it suitable. This way!" She led them back to the public transportation.

After a short ride and then a quick climb up a rather steep hill, they stopped outside a large, beautiful three-storey house on a corner, with exquisite molding and large bay windows.

"What do you think?" Mrs. Pomfrey asked brightly. "Beautiful, isn't it?"

"It looks perfect, Mrs. Pomfrey," Trowa replied, "but it must be very expensive."

"Well, um, as to that, you'll find it is quite reasonable. The previous owner had to, ah, leave unexpectedly and left the house with our agency to lease." She blinked at them with a toothy smile. "Shall we go in?" She produced an ornate key from her satchel and led them up the wide, curved steps to the front door, which faced toward the corner, rather than to either street.

She entered the house hesitantly, but as Trowa stepped across the threshold behind her his staff, draped across his chest as usual, uttered an audible hiss. Trowa stopped in his tracks.

"What's the matter, Trowa?" Quatre inquired nervously, eyeing the snake-like staff.

"There are spirits in this house," Trowa responded thoughtfully.

_Evil spirits reside in this house._

"What?!" Duo squeaked. He snatched his knife from inside his shirt, where he kept it behind his back tucked in the top of his trousers. "Did you just say something?" he demanded of the knife. Its jeweled handle glittered ominously.

_This house is occupied by spirits that wish no good will to living things._

Duo stared at the knife and then looked up at the house suspiciously. Everyone else stared at Duo.

"Did your knife say something?" Wu-Fei asked. "It hasn't talked to you for a while."

"It says the house is haunted by evil spirits." Duo stared accusingly at Mrs. Pomfrey. "Do you care to elaborate?"

Mrs. Pomfrey paled and she managed a weak laugh. "Well, now, as it happens, there were a few unfortunate incidents in this house, deaths and maybe a murder or two, and now superstitious people think the house is haunted." She laughed weakly again. "But, of course, educated people don't believe in such things, right?" She favored them with a sickly grin.

"Mrs. Pomfrey," Trowa said gravely, "is this house on the market because it is haunted and no one will live in it?"

"Well, ah…"

"It is," Duo stated with finality. He glared at Mrs. Pomfrey. "There have been three murders and six unexplained deaths in this house, at least two of which are attributed to ghosts."

Mrs. Pomfrey stared at him. "Uh… How do you know that?"

"You're thinking it!" Duo snapped. "She's trying to palm this place off on us because we're from out of town."

"Now, sir!" Mrs. Pomfrey held up placating hands. "I'll give you a very reasonable price to make up for the, ah, less desirable features of the house."

"Murdering ghosts?! Less desirable features?!" Heero exclaimed.

"Well, you see," Mrs. Pomfrey explained quickly, "we've had a lot of trouble with this property. Quite honestly, we'd like to sell it, but no one's interested. I'm sure, with this many people in the house, there won't be any incidents. In the past, problems have only occurred when only one person was inside." She waved them toward the door. "Why don't you come in and look around? It's a beautiful home and it has been well maintained, despite the circumstances. It comes fully furnished!" She managed another toothy smile.

"Well, we may as well look around," Wu-Fei decided. "Quite frankly, I am not the least bit afraid of ghosts." He marched purposefully through the front door.

"Oh, why not?" Quatre said and he followed Wu-Fei inside.

The others all followed suit.

"Wow!" Duo exclaimed. "What a gorgeous house!"

"Didn't I say it was beautiful?" Mrs. Pomfrey said quickly.

Everyone stood staring inside the gracefully appointed entryway. Two stories tall and paneled in polished cherry, stained glass windows above the front door shed colored light on an enormous, glittering chandelier hanging above their heads. A wide staircase at the rear of the entryway on the left led to the second floor. There was a closed door opposite the front door near the foot of the staircase. Arched openings to the left and right led into the front rooms. The one on the right appeared to be a formal living room, although the furniture was all covered with dust cloths. The room on the left had the look of a more relaxed sitting room. A dust cloth covered shape that looked like a grand piano could be seen sitting in front of the bay window.

Trowa's staff hissed again. "Interesting," Trowa murmured. "There are no animal spirits here. They all appear to be human. Or at least they were human once."

There was a loud thumping sound from somewhere upstairs.

"Noisy humans, apparently," Heero growled. "We'll have to put a stop to that. I refuse to be kept awake at night by a stupid ghost."

A loud bang greeted this statement. Mrs. Pomfrey started backing toward the door.

Hadeya looked around nervously. "You speak as if you already mean to dwell here, Father."

"We might as well," Heero grunted. "It's the right size and in a good location."

"I want to see the bathroom first," Wu-Fei said. "I want indoor plumbing."

"And we should make sure the kitchen is adequate," Quatre added.

"Mrs. Pomfrey," Wu-Fei said, "quit sneaking out the door and show us around. We may take this place off your hands if we like it."

Encouraged, Mrs. Pomfrey took a deep breath and put on her best sales face. "Very well! If you'll all follow me, the kitchen is this way." She opened the door at the foot of the stairs.

In the end, they decided to lease the house, despite the frequent thumps, bangs and occasional clanking sounds ringing from different parts of the building. Mrs. Pomfrey looked hugely relieved as she hurried down the hill with the signed contract tucked safely in her satchel.

"I sure hope this isn't a mistake," Quatre said.

"Oh, how bad can it be?" Duo laughed. "She practically gave us the place for free. If we fumigate it of ghosts for her, she's getting a good deal."

"And just how do you plan to get rid of the ghosts?" asked Heero.

"We could hold a séance and find out who they are. Then we could just ask them to get the hell out."

A loud crash echoed down the stairs.

"Hey!" Duo shouted. "The shit in here belongs to us now! You better quit breaking things or we're gonna have words!"

A deep, hollow laugh made the walls shudder.

"That's it!" Duo exclaimed. He handed Jett to Hadeya. "Come on Roku! Put your fur on! We're going ghost hunting!" The two of them bounded up the stairs.

Alexa moved next to Hadeya and took his hand. "Is it gonna be ok, big brother?"

"I'm sure it will be fine," Hadeya said in a soothing voice, but his eyes were a little round.

"Trowa," said Quatre, "do you mind staying here and keeping an eye on things? The rest of us will go back to the hotel and get our stuff. Try not to let Duo wreck the house."

Trowa chuckled. "I'll do my best." He lifted his staff off over his head and straightened it with a deft motion. "I think I'll see what sort of spirits I can summon up that might help us encourage the locals to move on."

As Quatre and the others left, Hadeya looked back nervously. "Are you sure it is a good idea to live in a house occupied by evil spirits, Uncle Quatre?"

"It'll be fine, Hadeya. If it gets too bad, I'll let Roku use big magic to take care of it. Remember, he did put the world and Asgard back together after Ragnarok. I daresay a couple of ghosts won't be a problem."

When they returned to the house a couple of hours later, they found Trowa sitting in the middle of the entryway with his staff across his knees.

"What are you doing?" Quatre asked.

"Communing. I learned some helpful techniques from Speaks-with-the-Wind for summoning cleansing spirits. My staff and I have managed to get some of the more foul-tempered ghosts to disappear."

"Disappear?"

"Well," Trowa looked sheepish. "I didn't really plan it this way, but I sort of got a couple of them devoured."

"Devoured?! By what?"

"I think it's better if I don't say. Hadeya looks worried."

Hadeya was staring around with eyes that appeared to be mostly pupil.

"Hadeya," Heero exclaimed, exasperated, "you lived with spirits in Valhalla! Why have these ones got you spooked?"

"The men in Valhalla were flesh and blood! I do not mind creatures with solid bodies, no matter what skills or powers they might have, for as a demigod, I am immune to most enchantments. But creatures of pure spirit frighten me. Those gods of Asgard whom I have known to be killed were most commonly destroyed by spirits."

Trowa stood up. "Don't worry, Hadeya. I expect we'll have this place cleared up soon enough. I haven't heard Duo or Roku much lately. It was quite a ruckus up there for a while." Even as he spoke, Duo and Roku came trotting down the stairs.

"Hey!" Duo called. "I thought you were back."

"So what have you been up to?" Heero demanded.

"We've got most of them bottled up in the attic right now." Duo giggled. "They're not used to getting chased. Especially not by a magical tiger who can actually catch them. You should have heard the squealing. It was pretty funny."

"So they're still up there?"

"Not all of them. A few got away and are still sneaking around the house. But we'll get them."

Roku grinned. "They taste kind of weird. Like wet dust."

Quatre put a hand over his face. "Please tell me you weren't eating ghosts!"

"I didn't eat them. I just mouthed them a little bit. They make funny noises when I do that."

"That's just not right," Wu-Fei muttered.

"Shall we pick bedrooms now?" Duo suggested. "And are we going to eat here tonight or go out?"

"Let's go out," Quatre said. "I don't want to go shopping today."

"We could go back to that Mexican place."

"I think that would be a phenomenally bad idea."

"Too bad. The food was really good."

"I think we should wreck a different restaurant tonight."

"You say that like we wreck every place we eat!"

"Our track record isn't that good right now, if you think about it."

"He has a point," Trowa put in. "Anyway, I'd like to try a French restaurant."

"French?" Quatre's ears perked up.

"No way!" Duo exclaimed. "They serve tiny little portions on great big plates and expect you to be happy that they drizzled some sauce around it."

"Not all French places are like that. Anyway, we'll just find a place that serves lots of courses. Then you won't mind if the individual servings are a little small, right?"

"I guess."

"That settles it. Let's wash up and then it will be time for dinner."

"Do you notice that we spend a lot of our time planning our next meal?" Wu-Fei remarked to Heero.

"We have to," Heero responded, "with Duo and Roku in the family."


	14. Idle Time

Chapter 14: **Idle Time**

Treize and Zechs stood on a low hill overlooking a rolling expanse of mature grape vines in neat rows.

"How beautiful!" Zechs exclaimed. "I thought you were making it up when you described this."

"Haven't you seen a vineyard before?"

"We didn't grow grapes in the Sanc Kingdom. And you never took me to your estate," he concluded somewhat reproachfully.

"Not for lack of desire," Treize said. He put his arms around Zechs from behind. "But now I can't," he said mournfully. "Since I'm officially dead, I can't go home. I wonder what happened to my estate."

"I think Une turned it into a national park."

"Really?!"

"Yeah."

"I'd like to see that."

"You can't go there. If someone recognized you it could get very unpleasant."

"I know." Treize nuzzled Zechs' ear. "But I imagine a vista like this would look just as lovely under a Martian sky with a glittering dome overhead."

"I cannot devote an entire dome to a vineyard!"

"But just imagine! Martian wines could become the premium wines of the Earth Sphere."

"How long does it take for vines to begin producing?" Zechs asked with stern practicality.

"Not that long."

"And how long after that does the wine need to ripen before it's ready for drinking?"

"Oh, not that long at all!" Treize said airily. "It'll be fun! Let's do it!"

"I don't have any extra domes!"

Treize turned Zechs' head and kissed him warmly. "You could build one. I would only need fifty hectares or so."

"Fifty hectares?! That's as large as my biggest dome!"

Treize kissed him again. "But you wouldn't need as much infrastructure. Just air, heat and water."

"You don't call that much?!" Zechs exclaimed.

"I bet Heero's sprites would help."

"That's not help! We have limited resources on Mars!"

Treize shifted around and kissed Zechs more deeply. "But it would give me something to do."

"But…" Zechs protested weakly.

"Wouldn't it please you to see me happy?"

"You're not playing fair!"

Treize favored Zechs with another deep, loving kiss.

"Oh, all right!" Zechs gave in with a resigned but dreamy smile. "But I expect regular kisses like this to thank me for being such a softie."

"Thank you!" Treize hugged Zechs happily. "Now I won't have to ask Quatre to bring me back here periodically so I could check on my investment."

"What?!"

"I really like making wine."

Zechs shook his head. "You are much sillier than I thought."

"But you still love me."

"Yes, I do," Zechs chuckled. "Let's go find Hieronymus. It's about time we headed back to San Francisco."

On the return trip, as they crossed the bay on the ferry, Zechs stood at the rail, his brow wrinkled in concentration.

"What are you doing, beloved?" Treize asked curiously.

"Trying to get Duo's attention. It's pretty far, but if he's listening he might hear me."

Treize lifted an eyebrow. "Do you really think his telepathic ability extends this far?"

"Yes. I suspect Duo has not been completely forthright on how extensive his ability is. Aha!" Zechs smiled at Treize. "He just said hello."

"We must still be over a dozen kilometers away!"

"Like I said: I think our dear Duo has been keeping secrets. One second." Zechs' gaze turned inward. "Oh, how lovely!"

"What?"

"The house they rented. I know where it is." He smiled at Treize. "We should enjoy the remainder of our stay in San Francisco."

When they arrived on the doorstep of the beautiful house on the corner, Alexa burst out of the front door squealing happily. "Mommy! Daddy!" She leaped into Zechs' arms. "I missed you!"

"We missed you, too, sweetie!" Zechs kissed her cheek warmly. "This is a pretty house. Do you have a nice room?"

"Yeah! I'm sharing a room with Roku and Hadeya so the ghosts don't bother us."

"Ghosts?!" Treize and Zechs exclaimed in unison.

"Yeah!" Alexa nodded excitedly. "It's a haunted house!"

Treize and Zechs exchanged a look.

"It's not as bad as it sounds," Quatre said from the front door, where he appeared with Heero, Trowa, Wu-Fei and Hadeya.

"You rented a haunted house?" Zechs asked flatly.

"We got a really good deal."

"I imagine you did." Treize remarked.

Zechs scowled. "I knew I shouldn't have left my daughter with you. Who in their right mind thinks it's a good idea to move into a haunted house?"

"The ghosts are afraid of Roku," Quatre said placatingly. "He keeps them under control."

"Oh, really?" Zechs said icily.

"It's ok, Mommy," Alexa giggled. "It's kind of fun!"

"Why don't you come in?" Quatre suggested. "It really is a beautiful home. It came fully furnished!"

Everyone went inside.

"Oh, my!" Treize exclaimed. "This _is_ really beautiful!"

"Yes, it is," Zechs admitted reluctantly.

"Hey, guys!" Duo came down the stairs with Jett on his hip, followed by Roku.

Treize and Zechs stared at the smiling baby.

"We've only been gone six days!" Treize exclaimed. "When did she get that big?"

Jett stared at them with big dark eyes. Her dark hair spilled around her shoulders. She pointed a stubby finger at Zechs. "Boo!" she squeaked.

Duo chuckled. "She's been following Roku around hunting ghosts."

"She can crawl?!"

"Yup!" Duo said proudly. "She'll be walking soon." He put her down and Jett immediately scuttled across the room to Heero. She grabbed the knee of his bike shorts and pulled herself to her feet.

"Da-da!" she shrieked. The chandelier overhead rattled alarmingly.

Heero scooped her up. "Keep it down, kid," he grunted. He tapped her on the nose.

She giggled and grabbed his finger. "Da-da!" she repeated at a much more reasonable volume.

"Fortunately," Quatre said, "she listens when Heero tells her to be quiet. Although it was touch and go when she had her last growth spurt," he added with a chuckle.

"This place has a huge kitchen," Wu-Fei said, "so we made sure it was fully stocked as soon as we moved in. We didn't quite run out of food that day."

"She's eating solid food already?" Treize inquired curiously.

"When she had her growth spurt, milk alone wasn't cutting it," Duo reported. "So we stuffed her full of porridge."

"And now she eats all kinds of stuff," Roku added.

Jett pointed at Roku. "Coo!" Heero put her down and she crawled over to Roku.

Roku licked her face, leaving her damp and giggling.

Zechs smiled. "Well, I'm glad to see my child is not the only one who gets liberally bathed in tiger spit."

"Pretty soon she'll be big enough to play mobile suit attack," Alexa said.

Hadeya paled.

"Don't worry, Hadeya," Duo grinned, "we'll put her on your team. Then maybe you'll win one."

Hadeya managed a sickly grin. "I am just hoping to not be drowned."

"Don't be such a wuss, Hadeya," Heero grumbled. "They're just little kids."

"I think Heero just volunteered to bathe the kids tonight," Wu-Fei said. He winked at Roku. "I'll put extra water in the bath."

"Yippee!" Roku and Alexa cheered.

"There's a bathtub?" Zechs asked.

"There's a bathing chamber," Wu-Fei said. "It has an actual tiled bathing pool. It's not too deep, but the kids manage to stir up some serious waves when they're playing." He grinned maliciously at Heero. "And it looks like it's Heero's turn to supervise their bath."

Heero scowled. "I've bathed the kids before. There's nothing to it."

Hadeya blinked. "I'll watch from the door in case you need help."

"Anyway," Quatre said, "since we knew you were coming, we've planned a really nice dinner. Everyone go to the dining room. Trowa and I will serve."

So, while everyone else took seats in the magnificent formal dining room, Trowa and Quatre brought out a delicious meal of roast chicken, boiled potatoes, fresh bread with butter and jam, lentil soup with green beans and red onions, and whole roast corn. The fancy chandelier hanging above the dining room table reflected the bright yellow light of the gas lamps mounted on the walls, casting glittering highlights on the gold-rimmed dinnerware and crystal goblets.

"These place settings are exquisite!" Treize exclaimed. "And so is this cutlery! Did these also come with the house?"

"Yes," Quatre said. "You'll find everything in the house is of equal quality."

"Yeah," Duo added with a lascivious grin. "Even the sheets are silk!"

"Silk?" Zechs said. He glanced at Treize. "I don't believe I've ever slept on silk sheets. It sounds very luxurious."

"Yes, it does," Treize murmured.

"Eek!" Jett squealed from Duo's lap. She pounded on the table with her little fist.

"Jett says less talk, more eating," Duo announced. He gave her a piece of bread dipped in the soup. She shoved it into her mouth and mashed it up happily.

"So what was the vineyard like?" Trowa asked. "Was it worth the investment?"

"Very much so!" Treize said happily. "It is a large estate with well-established vines and rather modern facilities, given the times. I was quite pleased with it."

"Yes, so pleased that he blackmailed me into agreeing to build him a dome on Mars to plant grapes in," Zechs grumbled sourly.

"I did not blackmail you," Treize said archly. "I simply presented sound arguments that swayed you in my favor."

"Meaning he kissed you until you gave in, right?" Trowa said knowingly.

Zechs refused to answer and Treize laughed.

"But you did agree!" Treize said. "Say Heero, do you think your sprites know anything about growing grapes?"

"They're not my sprites!"

"Nevertheless, I will need to go back up to Napa Valley once more before we leave to get cuttings," Treize continued. "If I start with root stock from this era, I can produce wines no one has tasted in centuries. My dome will be paying for itself in no time."

"Your dome?!" Zechs exclaimed.

"This should prove interesting," Wu-Fei murmured. "I want to hear how he explains this to Noin."

Zechs groaned. "Don't say her name! I can already hear her screaming at me!"

"I'll explain it to her," Treize said magnanimously. "It is my idea after all."

"Somehow I don't think that's going to stop the screaming," Duo snickered.

"Can we change the subject?" Zechs moaned.

"Uncle Treize, can I help you grow grapes?" Roku piped up. "I want to see how wine gets made."

"Of course, Roku. Alexa and Hadeya can help, too. And Jett as well, when she gets bigger. We'll make it a family vineyard."

Zechs hung his head. "That's all I need."

"Look at the bright side, Zechs," Duo said cheerfully, "if Roku spends more time in this new dome, the number of tiger sightings in our residential dome might go down."

"Do you have to remind me?"

"I don't get seen any more often than Papa Trowa's staff," Roku pouted.

"Which is about every other day." Quatre glanced pointedly at Trowa.

"It's not my fault! I try to remember to straighten it when I take it off."

"So where is it now?"

"Um… well…"

Roku tilted his head to one side and listened. "It's slithering around on the second floor," he reported. "I think it's trying to get out one of the windows."

"Dammit!" Trowa exclaimed. "Excuse me!" He dashed off upstairs.

While all this talk was going on, Jett was diligently tucking away soup-soaked pieces of bread, mashed up potatoes and small pieces of chicken that Duo crumbled up for her. Now she let out a huge yawn and blinked sleepily up at him

"Looks like someone's about ready for bed," Duo said with an affectionate smile. "But you need a quick bath first. We'll use the small tub in the kitchen and leave the bathroom for the big kids." He took Jett into the kitchen, where he could be heard explaining the relative merits of large energy blades versus beam weapons while he filled the tub from the kitchen pump.

"I think it's time for your baths as well," Quatre said to Roku and Alexa. "Although you're much cleaner than usual after eating. It must be the utensils."

"We don't always get food on us, Uncle Quatre!" Alexa protested.

"Yes, you do," said everyone else.

So on that note, Heero accompanied Alexa and Roku to the bathing room, followed by Wu-Fei and Hadeya.

"I'll warm up the water," Wu-Fei said. He sprayed the bath water with a glowing stream of golden fire. "There you go. Have fun!"

"Yay!" Roku leaped into the water with a mighty splash.

"Yahoo!" Alexa cried. She flung clothes in all directions and leaped in after him.

Wu-Fei grinned at Heero. "So get in there and wash them."

"Um… Yeah…" Heero stripped and slid into the bath.

"Papa Heero is the enemy mobile suit!" Roku cried and he disappeared under the water. A second later, Heero cried out in surprise as he was yanked out of sight.

"Get him!" Alexa shouted and she dived into the water where Heero had disappeared.

Several long seconds passed while the water churned so wildly that nothing at all could be seen underneath. Then Heero reappeared, gasping for breath. "Dammit! Those kids are insane!"

Alexa exploded out of the water. "Got you!" she shrieked. She clapped her hands together along the surface of the water and shot a stream of water into Heero's face.

He dove aside, spluttering, and an orange and black-striped streak rammed into his side, swamping him back under.

Wu-Fei patted Hadeya's shoulder as he walked out. "Make sure they don't drown him."

"I will."

Meanwhile, Quatre took Treize and Zechs upstairs to show them their room. "We picked this one out for you," he said. "You being gentlemen by birth and all, we figured you would appreciate this the most."

"Wow!"

The room was the master bedroom of the house. It was very large and boasted an elegant four post bed that would easily have slept four people. A high silk canopy draped from the ceiling. There was a fireplace with a carved marble mantle piece in one wall. Graceful French doors gave access to a narrow balcony overlooking the street out front.

"This is amazing!" Zechs exclaimed. "It reminds me of a bedroom in the mansion where I grew up."

"I was thinking the same thing!" said Treize.

"Or," Zechs murmured, and he turned large blue eyes on Treize, "it reminds me of the room where we first shared our passion."

"Oh, yes!" Treize's eyes sparkled. "I remember that room." He put his arms around Zechs. "It makes me think about how delightful you can be."

"Me?" Zechs purred.

Quatre retreated from the room and closed the door.

Trowa was waiting outside. "So I take it they like the room."

"Yup." Quatre grinned. "And they seem to have forgotten about the ghosts."

"All that racket from downstairs should keep them in the attic for awhile," Trowa said. He took Quatre's hand. "It should be a while before the kids are done drowning Heero. Shall we spend a little time alone?"

Quatre smiled. "I don't see why not."

Sometime later, though, when the house was quiet and everyone should have been sleeping, Quatre was awakened by the sound of paws and muted squealing. "Not again!" he groaned. He stamped out into the hallway just in time to see Roku lunge into a corner.

"Roku, what are you doing?"

"Mufhing," Roku mumbled.

Treize and Zechs appeared and regarded Roku curiously.

Quatre frowned. "Spit that out right now, young man!"

Roku complied and dropped something that resembled a translucent soggy hairball from his mouth. It flopped wetly across the floor, emitting a pitiful moan, and then flew straight up and vanished through the ceiling with a mournful wail, leaving a wet spot on the boards.

"What did I say about chewing on the ghosts?" Quatre said sternly.

"He started it!" Roku muttered defensively. "He came sneaking out of the attic."

"Say Roku," Treize spoke up, "if you put a ghost in your storage space, would it be stuck there?"

Roku sat down on his haunches and blinked thoughtfully. "I'm not sure."

Quatre put a hand over his face. "Did you have to suggest that? We do not need ancient ghosts blundering around the domes on Mars."

Zechs lifted an eyebrow at Treize.

"I was just curious!"

Quatre pointed a finger at Roku. "I forbid you to put a ghost in your storage space."

"Yes, Mama," Roku said, sounding slightly disappointed.

Quatre sighed. "I'm going back to bed."

"Me, too," Zechs echoed. "Good night, Roku. And thank you for keeping the ghosts in line. But please don't bring any back to Mars."

"I won't, Uncle Zechs. Good night."


	15. Time's Up

_I don't know what happened in this chapter. At some point it just got totally hijacked and went off on a weird tangent. It's not my fault!_

-o-o-o-o-

Chapter 15: **Time's Up**

"All right," Wu-Fei said, "who wants to conjugate this?" He pointed at the English verb he had written on the large chalkboard resting on an easel in the front parlor, which was serving as a classroom now.

Alexa stuck her hand up into the air. "Me! I do!"

"Very well, Alexa, go ahead."

Alexa stood up and, with a look of intense concentration, went through all the conjugations, stumbling only over the past perfect tense, but she got that right on her second try.

"Very good, Alexa!" Wu-Fei congratulated her. She resumed her seat with a wide smile. "Now," he picked up a complex molecule formed from small wooden sticks and balls of different sizes and colors, "who recognizes this molecule?"

"I do!" Roku said. He popped to his feet, since he was in human form for school. "It's polypropylene."

"That's correct." Wu-Fei said. "Isotactic or syndiotactic?"

"Syndiotactic."

"Very good." Wu-Fei held up a wooden block with a large red 'A' painted on it. "Who can tell me what this letter is?" He looked at Jett.

Jett giggled. "It's an 'A', Papa Wu-Fei!"

"That's right! And what color is it?"

"It's red!" Jett clapped her hands and giggled some more.

Wu-Fei turned the block around, displaying the number '1' painted in blue. "What about this?" he asked with a smile.

"It's a one and it's blue!" Jett squealed.

"Very good, Jett!"

Roku and Alexa applauded Jett put her arms over her head and grinned between her elbows.

Duo and Quatre peeked in through the arched doorway, carefully staying out of sight so they would not disrupt the lesson.

"Already in school!" Duo whispered. "Jett is growing up so fast."

"Wu-Fei's a good teacher," Quatre whispered back. "I'm impressed that he can present lessons to all three of them at once and keep them all engaged."

"Yeah, he's pretty good."

"Ok," Wu-Fei said, "time for mathematics." He erased the board and wrote a simple quadratic equation. "Alexa, can you solve this for me?"

Alexa came up and took the chalk.

Duo and Quatre slipped away.

"Hey, Duo," Heero thumped down the stairs. "Let's go out back and train. I'm feeling rusty."

"How can you possibly feel rusty?!" Duo exclaimed. "We were just in that huge brawl at that bar two days ago!"

Heero waved a hand. "You call that a brawl? Ten guys swinging chairs? I barely broke a sweat."

Duo rolled his eyes. "It was at least twenty guys and two of them pulled guns."

"Oh, that." Heero dismissed it with another wave of his hand. "They weren't serious."

"Oh, really? I guess that's why you only clubbed them unconscious with their own guns."

"Well, yeah! I would have shot them if they had really been trying to shoot someone."

"Our Heero," Quatre murmured, "a minister of justice."

"Come on, Duo, let's go!" Heero demanded. "You still have some pregnancy flab to work off anyway."

"I do not!" Duo exclaimed indignantly. "I am as svelte as I was before you guys knocked me up!"

"If you want to know the truth," Heero said, eyeing Duo's hips critically, "you were starting to get a little chubby before then."

"You son-of-a-bitch!" Duo cried. "I'll teach you a lesson for that remark!" He stamped through the door to the kitchen, which gave access to the back yard.

Heero grinned. "Now I should get a decent workout out of him." He followed Duo through the kitchen.

Quatre chuckled.

"Hey, Quatre." Trowa came down the stairs with his staff slung over one shoulder.

"Hey, Trowa. Been exorcising ghosts?"

"Nah, just discussing the benefits of moving on." He shrugged. "Whenever I try to exorcise them, they end up getting devoured. This house seems to attract vengeful spirits rather than benevolent ones."

"Maybe that's why we haven't seen too much of Heero's sprites."

"Could be." Trowa peered into the front parlor. "School still in session?"

"Yeah."

"You know, as big as Jett is now, it's probably time to think about heading back."

"I was thinking that, too," Quatre agreed. "Although it's kind of nice not having to do anything. I've really enjoyed playing the piano. I wish I had a violin, though. I need more practice."

"You play the violin beautifully already, Quatre," Trowa said, but then he sighed wistfully. "Although it would be nice to hear you play again. It seems like forever since you played on the train."

Quatre smiled happily. "How sweet of you to say so! That was a beautiful violin, though. I wonder who Jefferson sold it to."

"He didn't sell it," Treize said from the stairs, where he was descending in the company of a flushed but contented-looking Zechs.

"He didn't? How do you know?"

"Because I stole it from him," Treize said matter-of-factly. "I didn't think an uncultured gentleman like that deserved to be in possession of such a beautiful instrument."

Quatre stared. "But… But… What did you do with it?"

"I gave it to Roku to put in his storage space."

Quatre was momentarily at a loss for words.

"I know Roku is light-fingered," Trowa said with amusement, "but I did not realize he also received stolen goods."

Quatre glared briefly at Trowa before returning his shocked gaze to Treize's face. "You are a nobleman, Treize! You shouldn't be setting a bad example for the children by stealing!"

Treize chuckled. "That shows how little you know about noblemen! We are the last people you should look to for setting a good example. The rich don't have to be honest."

"That is why I am a good example!" Zechs said archly. "The destruction of my home left me penniless, so all I have left is honesty."

"Honesty and your incredibly sexy body," Treize purred throatily.

"Don't try to change the subject!" Zechs said a little breathlessly.

"Who's changing the subject?" Treize slipped an arm around Zechs' waist and spoke softly into his ear. "I was just stating a fact."

"Yes… well…" Zechs' eyes lost focus as his train of thought derailed.

"We were discussing a stolen violin," Quatre spoke up pointedly. He glared at Treize.

Treize just shrugged. "Duo cheats people out of money and goods all the time and gives it to Roku to hold. How is that different from what I did?"

"Because at least he pretends to be gambling!"

"Well, I could have won the violin from Jefferson; I just didn't see any reason to take all the extra time of having a card game."

"That's… that's…" Quatre struggled for words.

"A good point?" Trowa suggested.

"No!" Quatre shouted. "That's not what I was going to say!"

"Excuse me!" Wu-Fei interrupted in loud voice. "Would you please have your argument farther from my classroom? You're distracting my students."

"Sorry!" Quatre muttered, but he continued to glare angrily at Treize.

"Anyway, Quatre," Treize continued, "I was going to give you the violin when we got back to Mars. It suits you."

Quatre's eyes went round. "Really?"

Treize grinned at him. "You can perform concerts for us, but you have to promise to play songs that will put Zechs in the mood."

Zechs flushed and shoved Treize away. "You horny…!"

"That sounds like a good idea," Trowa interrupted. "Listening to Quatre play always puts me in the mood."

"Don't you start!" Quatre grumbled.

"Blonds are so adorable when they know they're desired," Treize said. "Wouldn't you agree, Trowa?"

"Absolutely."

"Hmph!" Zechs stuck his nose in the air. "If you will excuse me." He stalked away.

"I'll be in the kitchen," Quatre said, equally offended. He also stalked away.

Treize and Trowa exchanged a smile.

"It will be fun seducing them into forgiving us later," Treize said.

"Oh, yeah."

Alexa bounded out of the parlor. "Yay! School's over!" She flung herself into Treize's arms. "I did good today, Daddy! I got lots of right answers!"

"You did well," Treize corrected, but he kissed her on the cheek as he said it.

"Right!" Alexa giggled. "I did well."

Roku sauntered out in tiger form with Jett clinging to his back, followed by Wu-Fei.

"Momma?" Jett asked, looking around wide-eyed.

"Out back." Trowa hooked a thumb toward the kitchen door.

Roku trotted into the kitchen.

"Class over?" Quatre asked as they walked through. He and Hadeya were busy peeling potatoes.

"Yup," said Roku. "We're looking for Papa Duo."

"He and Heero are training out back."

"Ok." Roku trotted out through the back door, which swung open ahead of him without being touched.

"No using magic to open doors," Quatre admonished him absently.

"Yes, Mama."

In the backyard, Duo and Heero were in the middle of a fierce contest, hands and feet flying as they looked for openings to pummel each other. Suddenly Duo leaped away, tumbling backward over one shoulder and leaping to his feet.

"No fair!" Duo shouted. "You said no weapons!"

"It's a tiny little knife!" Heero exclaimed. "It's hardly a weapon."

"It's got a sharp pointy tip!"

Heero looked at the knife. "Just a little one."

Duo rolled his eyes.

Jett slid off Roku's back and toddled up to Heero. She held up one little hand. "For Jett?"

Heero squatted down in front of her with a serious expression. He held the knife in front of her eyes. "This is not a toy, Jett," he said firmly. "Weapons must be handled with care because they are designed to hurt people. Do you understand?"

Jett nodded gravely. Carefully, Heero placed the knife in her little palm. She wrapped her fingers around the hilt.

"Good grip," Heero said approvingly. "But don't hold it too tightly."

Jett's brow wrinkled in concentration as she turned her hand slowly back and forth, studying the little knife.

"That's right," Heero said. "Now, when you want to lunge, point it straight forward and lead with the leg below your knife hand."

Jett pointed the knife at Heero and stepped forward, poking the tip into his chest.

Heero's face lit up. "Well done! Let's try another one."

Duo put a hand over his face. "He's teaching my baby to knife fight," he groaned. "You can't wait until she's at least three years old?"

"She's about three, physically," Heero countered. "And besides, it's never too soon to learn good techniques."

Duo sank down next to Roku. "You have a first aid kit, right, Roku?"

"Yeah, but Papa Heero won't hurt Jett."

"I was thinking more along the lines of her hurting him."

"Ouch!" Heero grunted as Jett drew blood.

"See?"

"That was my fault," Heero said. He patted Jett on the head. "It didn't really hurt."

Jett blinked at him uncertainly.

Heero pinched her cheek. "Why don't you try it again?"

Her uncertain expression turned to a grin and she nodded vigorously.

"Duo!" Quatre exclaimed from behind him. "What do you mean by letting Jett play with dangerous weapons?!"

"It wasn't my idea," Duo protested. He pointed at Heero. "Talk to him."

"I should let her poke holes in him," Quatre said.

"That was my thinking."

"She has gotten very big, though. It's probably time we went back to Mars."

"Yeah, but it's too bad. I kind of like it here."

"Me, too."

At dinner that night, Quatre brought the subject up again. "We don't want Jett to get too used to this time. We should be heading back."

"In that case," Treize said, "I need to go to Napa to get my cuttings."

"I can fly you up there, Uncle Treize," Roku volunteered, "if you don't mind riding a dragon."

"Can't I just use one of your mobile suits?"

"I don't have any flying ones."

"Oh."

"How many have you got in there?" Duo asked curiously.

"Don't answer that!" Quatre interrupted loudly. "I don't want to know."

"You can tell me later," Duo whispered.

"You really aren't going to make me build you an entire dome just to grow grapes in, are you?" Zechs asked Treize hopefully.

"You promised," Treize answered with a slight pout.

"Oh, fine!" Zechs groaned. "Don't give me that look."

Treize grinned.

"You'd better go at night," Trowa advised. "We don't want any dragon sightings over California."

"Good idea," Treize agreed. "Besides, I don't want to have to explain to Hieronymus why I want the cuttings."

"But you should tell him we're leaving," Duo pointed out.

"That's true. I'll just write him a letter and tell him we'll be in touch periodically. That should be good enough."

"I wish I could figure out why this house attracts malevolent spirits before we leave, though," Trowa said. "Maybe the agency will give us a refund."

"It's probably because of the dead demon buried under the basement," said Roku. "At least I think its dead."

Everyone stared at him.

Quatre cleared his throat. "Roku, how long have you known there is a probably dead demon buried under the house?"

"I noticed it a couple of days ago when I was digging around down there."

"I see. You didn't dig it up, did you?"

"Not completely. It's pretty far down."

Quatre sighed. "Trowa, maybe you and I should check this out after dinner."

Trowa nodded.

"I've never seen a demon!" Treize said excitedly. "I'll come too."

"What's a demon?" Alexa asked.

"A usually malevolent entity that normally does not exist in the human world," Wu-Fei said.

"Then why is it buried under our house?"

"We can ask it if it's not completely dead," Trowa said.

Quatre gave him a look.

"Are you sure it's not better to leave a possibly dead demon alone?" Duo suggested. "If it's not dead, digging it up might be a bad thing."

"A very sound suggestion, if you ask me," Zechs said.

"Odin used to banish troublesome demons into Midgard," Hadeya spoke up. "Maybe that is how it got there."

"Why did he do that?" Wu-Fei asked curiously.

"It weakens their powers."

"Ah."

"We should at least check it out," Trowa said. "We can decide what to do after we've seen it."

So after dinner, Duo, Wu-Fei and Zechs stayed upstairs with Alexa and Jett, and everyone else went down to the basement. The floor of the basement was brick, but over the years the bricks had shifted, exposing the dirt underneath. One large dirt spot sort of in the middle had a large pit dug in it.

Quatre stopped and stared at Roku. "How long have you been digging that hole?"

Roku shrugged. "Not long."

"That's an impressive hole," Trowa said.

"Thanks!" Roku grinned.

Quatre glared at them both. "Digging enormous holes in the basement is not a good thing!"

"At least it's not in the garden," Treize pointed out.

"You people are useless!" Quatre muttered as he marched over to peer into the hole. Everyone else looked in, too.

"At least water's not seeping into it," Heero noted.

"Small favors…" Quatre muttered under his breath.

"So how far down is this demon?" Heero asked.

"Maybe twice again what I've dug out," Roku replied.

"That's a lot of dirt."

"I can just banish it," Roku said.

"What?"

"The dirt. I can make it disappear."

"If you can make it disappear," Quatre said patiently, "why have you been digging a big hole and flinging dirt everywhere?"

"Because it's fun."

"Of course," Quatre groaned. "What was I thinking?"

"So go ahead," Heero said, ignoring Quatre. "Let's see this thing."

"Ok." Roku leaned over the hole and murmured something under his breath. An instant later, the hole was suddenly much deeper, revealing the shiny, dark red limbs of something rather large.

The something rather large stirred and a big golden eye with red fire burning in its depths opened and regarded them. It blinked once and then a slit opened off to one side, revealing glistening yellow fangs with green ichor dripping from the tips.

"Wherefore thou hast awakened me," a deep bass voice rumbled out of the pit, "thou shalt suffer a hideous demise to feed my resurrection."

Quatre snorted. "I don't think so." He pointed into the pit. "_Incendium funditus!_"

The demon was immediately engulfed in sizzling flames. Everyone jumped back as waves of heat and a really foul stench shot up out of the whole. A piercing yowl that sounded more surprised than hurt echoed off the walls.

"Is that going to destroy it?" Hadeya asked anxiously.

"I hope so."

"Say Roku," Heero said, "how fast can you put the dirt back in the hole?"

"As fast as it went away."

"Good." Heero produced something round with a small protrusion on it. He pushed the protrusion with his thumb. "Put the dirt back," he said and tossed the object into the hole. "Fire in the hole!"

"Oh, shit!" Quatre exclaimed as everyone dove for cover.

A muffled boom spattered them with dirt and shook the house.

"Now it should be dead," Heero said with a nod of satisfaction.

"You idiot, Heero!" Quatre shouted. "Did you even stop to think that setting off a grenade under the house might be bad?!"

"A tiny little grenade like that isn't going to do much harm, especially buried."

"Then you can explain to Zechs and Duo why you endangered their children! They are nowhere near as forgiving and easy-going as I am!"

"Calm down, Quatre," Trowa said, trying to keep a straight face. "It's ok. Anyway, let me try a summoning and see what I get." He straightened out his staff and stuck the end into the ground. After a moment of intense concentration, he looked to his left. A shimmering apparition in the shape of a large stag with a multi-pronged rack of antlers stepped through the wall. "Ah, very good!" Trowa bowed to the apparition. It dipped its head in response and stepped back through the wall. "Stag spirits are very good luck and I haven't seen one since we got here. I think we fixed this house's ghost problem."

"Who would have thought it was all because of that demon?" Treize said. "How long do you suppose it was down there?"

"Centuries, probably," Trowa said.

They went back upstairs to find Zechs and Duo standing just outside the basement door with their arms crossed and very stern expressions on their faces.

"Don't tell me," Duo drawled, "Heero used a grenade."

"It was just a little one!"

"Idiot!"

"That's what I said," Quatre said self-righteously.

"Geez!" Heero snorted. "Don't make such a fuss."

Zechs pursed his lips. "I notice Roku is dirty. Perhaps Heero needs to wash him."

Heero blanched.

"I'm sure Alexa is dirty, too," Zechs added.

"It… It's not my turn," Heero stammered.

"It is now!" Duo said firmly. He pointed toward the bathroom. "Get in there and bathe the children."

Heero edged toward the basement stairs. "Maybe the demon's not dead…" he muttered.

The other pilots surrounded him. "Bathroom. Now."

Heero's shoulders slumped and he trudged resignedly toward the bathroom. "One teensy grenade…"

"Oh boy!" Roku shouted. "A bath!" He pounded down the hall and disappeared into the bathroom. A mighty splash was followed by the sound of water dripping from the ceiling.


	16. The Road Back

Chapter 16: **The Road Back**

Hadeya stood on the front porch staring up at the fog. "It has been foggy every morning this week."

"And cold," Zechs agreed.

"Is it not supposed to be summer?"

Zechs chuckled. "I think numerous jokes have been told over the centuries about San Francisco summers."

"Oh. It is different from Asgard. The clouds only cover the sun there when Odin is upset." Hadeya continued to gaze up at the gloomy gray clouds. "Do you suppose Roku will be able to find his way back with all this fog?"

"I'm sure he'll have no problems. He can probably smell us." Zechs grimaced. "Of course, once he and Treize bring back the root stock, I'll have no choice but to build his damn dome."

"Is it really so difficult to create one of these domes? Could Roku not simply will it into existence?"

"Undoubtedly. But that might be harder to explain than my reasons for agreeing to build the dome in the first place." Zechs blushed prettily. "Noin is still upset with me about my affection for Treize, although she seems to be coming to terms with it."

Hadeya shifted uncomfortably. "Uncle Duo told me she was unaware of your, ah, passion for Treize prior to his, um, resurrection." He scratched his head. "I think I still do not understand that part, as well."

"Roku did it," Zechs shrugged. "That's about as much as any of us understand. But I am quite grateful. Ah, look, there they are." He pointed up at the sky.

Above them, the fog swirled and flushed with a golden glow. A moment later, a large orange and black dragon dropped down out of the sky into the street in front of them with Treize on his back. Roku immediately shimmered into tiger form, leaving Treize standing in the street straddling the getting-toward-full-grown tiger with four large burlap-wrapped bundles of what looked like twigs draped over his shoulders.

"Welcome back," Zechs said. "Get what you needed?"

"Yup." Treize stepped up onto the porch and put his bundles down. "These two are red grapes and these two are white. I should be able to make some interesting varietals from these, especially with some careful cross-breeding."

Roku nudged one of the bundles with his nose. "There're bugs in the dirt."

"There had better be," Treize said. "I went to great pains to make sure I dug up bugs and worms along with the vines. That Martian soil is going to need a lot of work, I suspect."

Zechs put a hand over his face. "You did not tell me you wanted to introduce potentially dangerous organisms into the Martian environment."

"Growing things need bugs in the soil," Treize explained earnestly, oblivious to Zechs' dismayed look. "Besides, they probably can't exist outside the dome environment anyway."

"Bugs are the most adaptable creatures in existence," Zechs pointed out with long-suffering patience. "We have been very carefully introducing specific insects into the environment to help with the terra-forming. Throwing undocumented bugs into the mix is just asking for trouble."

"Oh, how bad can it be? You've had sprites helping your lichen grow. What harm can a few extra bugs do?"

Zechs glared. "I don't know. Introduce a hideous, man-killing plague, maybe?"

"You're such a pessimist."

Zechs' mouth worked silently.

"Anyway, I'll have Quatre check and approve all my bugs before you even finish the dome, all right?"

"I suppose," Zechs grumbled.

"Come on, Roku," Treize said cheerfully. "Let's get these settled into some nice pots. They'll need a comfortable place to live until their dome is finished. We can have Alexa help us."

"Ok."

Treize shouldered his bundles again and he and Roku went into the house.

Zechs sighed. "Noin is going to have my head."

"Uncle Trowa explained to me that an economic venture like wine-making could provide employment and income for Martian residents," Hadeya offered helpfully.

"That's what the terra-forming project is supposed to be doing!"

"But does everyone on Mars work on that?"

"Well, no, some people are just family members of the engineers, technicians and scientists."

"Perhaps those people might like to be employed as well. Farming generally requires few technical skills, or so it has been in my experience."

Zechs regarded Hadeya thoughtfully. "Perhaps you have a point. The hydroponics domes where we grow all our food are operated by technicians because we need to force a lot of food out of a very small area. In fact," Zechs started to get excited, "I could say the new dome is a farming experiment to see if we could successfully grow food the old fashioned way in domes. Having enough food for the residents limits how many people can live on Mars. If we can produce more food before the full terra-forming is complete, we can start accommodating more people, which will speed up the work."

"But wine is not food," Hadeya pointed out.

"True, but we need less area to grow grapes than we would anything else. And if I am going to design new farming domes, I need something less critical to experiment with." Zechs rubbed his hands together eagerly. "This is turning into a very interesting idea. Thanks for the mental nudge, Hadeya. I'm going to go draw up some designs for farming domes." Zechs entered the house, leaving Hadeya alone on the porch.

Hadeya blinked thoughtfully. "I am pleased to help," he said to no one, "I just wish I understood what I was helping with." He went into the house too, but was immediately accosted by Jett, who was toddling very determinedly toward the front door. Hadeya picked her up. "Where are you going, Jett?"

Jett pointed at the front door. "Momma is outside."

"No one is outside, Jett."

Jett frowned and pointed more firmly. "Momma went out!"

"Oh, maybe he went shopping with Uncle Wu-Fei. Wu-Fei told me he was planning to go souvenir shopping."

Jett nodded. "Momma and Papa Wu-Fei went out. Jett want to go out, too."

"You cannot go out by yourself, Jett. You are too young."

"Jett go out too!" Jett exclaimed loudly, causing Hadeya to wince.

"No so loud, Jett, please!" Hadeya said quickly.

Jett pouted. She regarded him with big dark eyes and her lower lip trembled slightly.

Hadeya looked around. No one was in sight. "I suppose we could go look for them."

Jett beamed. "Yes! Hadeya take Jett out!"

With serious misgivings, Hadeya settled Jett onto his hip and marched out the front door. "I do not know where they were planning to go," he said. "But I think there is a shopping district near the waterfront."

"Go that way!" Jett said decisively, pointing down the hill.

"All right." Hadeya turned in the indicated direction and set off.

Two corners down, Jett pointed to the left. "That way." Hadeya turned left.

Even though it was chilly, there were lots of people out and about. No one paid any attention to Hadeya at first, but he finally passed a group of well-dressed women standing in the street gossiping. One of the women stared at him as he approached.

"What an adorable little girl!" she squealed as Hadeya walked by. Or tried to, because he was immediately surrounded by the whole group. "How old is she?"

"Uh, three?" Hadeya suggested.

"How sweet!"

"Where is her mother?" another woman demanded, rather rudely in Hadeya's opinion.

"Out shopping."

"And she left you to care for your daughter?" she sniffed. "She does not seem to be a very attentive mother."

"Don't say mean things about Momma!" Jett grumbled loudly.

The woman stared at Jett. "What did you say?" she exclaimed huffily. "How rude!" She glared at Hadeya. "That is no way to bring up a young lady!"

Jett scowled. "That lady isn't nice!"

"Hush, Jett!" Hadeya said quickly, but the offended lady was already puffing up with indignation.

"I never!" she exclaimed. "No child of mine would be allowed to speak so!"

Hadeya started edging away. "She is young," he explained apologetically. "She is just saying what she thinks."

This was apparently the wrong thing to say, because the woman became even more offended. "What she thinks?! A child that age can only repeat what she's heard!"

"Jett is not a parrot!" Jett shrieked in outrage and the windows of several nearby stores shattered.

The women cried out as they were pelted with shards of broken glass and Hadeya dashed away.

"No shrieking!" Hadeya admonished Jett worriedly as he sprinted up the street.

"Turn here!"

Hadeya flew around the corner and kept running until he had put several blocks between them and the commotion Jett had caused. He slowed to a walk. "Jett, you have to be careful about shouting," he said sternly. "Those ladies might have been hurt by the broken glass."

Jett blinked, round-eyed. "I'm sorry."

"Just remember; only shout or scream when it is really important or you are in danger."

"Yes, Hadeya," Jett said, her little face full of seriousness.

Hadeya patted the top of her head. "And the lady was somewhat rude."

Jett grinned. She pointed. "Go that way. Momma is close."

Hadeya followed Jett's directions and not long after found Duo and Wu-Fei in a shop bargaining for a bolt of silk.

"Momma!" Jett squealed. She leaned dangerously away from Hadeya, reaching for Duo.

"Jett!" Duo cried. He scooped her off of Hadeya's hip. "How did you find us?" Jett just giggled, so Duo looked expectantly at Hadeya.

"She knew where you were," Hadeya explained. "She told me which way to go."

"Really?" Duo looked at Jett in surprise. "How did you know where I was?"

Jett just shrugged and giggled. "Jett always knows where Momma is!"

"Wow! That's pretty cool."

"Duo!" We-Fei said. "We were in the middle of something here."

"Oh, right! Sorry!" Duo scurried back over to Wu-Fei. "So like I was saying," he said to the merchant, "blemishes in silk are normal, but this is a water mark. I certainly can't be expected to pay full price for silk that someone has allowed to get wet, no can I?"

The merchant produced a sickly grin. "Well, this particular bolt is the finest Chinese silk. Even slightly stained, it is still quite valuable."

"I'm not arguing its value," Duo said. "But having a visible mark like that limits what can be made from it, wouldn't you agree?"

The two of them haggled back and forth until they settled on a price that left the merchant looking slightly green, but he wrapped the silk in a piece of canvas, tied it up and handed it over. Wu-Fei tucked it under one arm and they left.

Outside the store, Wu-Fei grinned excitedly. "Thanks, Duo! I really wanted this. Hand-woven Chinese silk is really rare in our time. It reminds me of my heritage."

"My pleasure, Fei," Duo grinned back. "You know how much I like bargaining."

Jett tugged on Duo's arm. "Will Momma buy something for Jett?"

"Sure." Duo kissed her cheek. "What do you want?"

"A knife!"

"Augh!" Duo slapped his forehead. "Heero is a terrible influence!"

"Just a little one?" Jett blinked hopefully. "Jett-size?"

Duo groaned.

When they got back to the house later, Jett dashed into the living room and leaped on Heero, who had been reading a book. "Look what Momma bought for Jett!" she squealed, causing the windows and lamps to rattle. She showed him a little folding knife, which she carefully unfolded to reveal a gleaming blade.

"Hey, that's pretty nice!" Heero exclaimed. "May I see it?"

Jett offered it to him by the handle and Heero smiled approvingly. He took the knife and studied it carefully.

"Having your own knife is a big responsibility," he said gravely as he handed it back. "You have to take good care of it."

Jett nodded. "Yes, Papa Heero."

From the living room doorway, where everyone had gathered at the sound of Jett's squeal, Quatre shook his head disbelievingly. "You bought the child a knife?" he said to Duo.

"It was what she wanted," Duo said. "And anyway, blame him!" He pointed at Heero. "He's the one who got her started."

"So the fact that you're the one who indulged her by buying it…"

"Hey, he would have given her one eventually anyway! At least I got a little one."

"Yeah, Quatre," Wu-Fei spoke up, "consider the size of the knives on Death Scythe. Duo's idea of a small knife could have been worse than Heero's."

"You're not helping," Duo mumbled.

"Anyway," Quatre said, changing the subject, "Treize and Roku are back, so it's time to get ready to go. Trowa saw the landlady this morning and told her the house is mostly not haunted anymore and that we'll be moving out by the end of the week."

"Mostly not haunted?" Wu-Fei questioned.

"All the dangerous ghosts are gone," Quatre explained. "It's mostly just the ones Roku likes to play with that are left." He clapped his hands. "So start packing up. We'll give ourselves a couple of days to make sure we don't leave anything." He shooed everyone upstairs to get started.

And so, a few days later, the group gathered in the entry hall of the house with their belongings collected around them. Quatre had pointedly not asked just what all everyone had privately tucked into Roku's storage space. He was quite sure he did not want to know.

"Everyone ready?" Quatre looked around and received affirmative nods from everyone except Jett, who had her little arms clutched around Duo's neck while she watched with big worried eyes. "All right then, here we go." Quatre held up his spell book. "Take us back to our own time on Mars please, the morning after we left." He opened the book and read the spell that appeared on the first page.

The world went momentarily dark and Jett let out a frightened squeak.

"Ouch!" Duo said, rubbing his ear. "Don't worry, Jett. This is our home that I was telling you about."

Jett looked around the living room of their house on Mars. "It's little," she announced.

"You'll get used to it. You get to share a room with Roku."

Jet grinned. "Goody!" She slid down Duo's legs and scuttled over to Roku.

"Come on, Jett," said Roku. "I'll show you." He padded off down the hall with Jett clinging to his tail.

Heero headed for the door. "I'm going to work. I'll get on the computer and make up an identity for Jett. You coming, Wu-Fei?"

"Yea…" Wu-Fei began and he sneezed loudly, shooting a plume of fire into the air. He clapped a hand over his mouth as the rest dove for cover. "Sorry! I'll go take my pills!" He scurried into the back.

"That's funny," Duo said. "I just realized that Wu-Fei hardly had any problems in the Old West and he didn't shed."

"That's true," Trowa said. "I wonder if being back in the domes will trigger an allergic reaction."

"I hope not," Duo declared. "Wu-Fei gets really irritable when he's shedding."

"Who wouldn't?"

"Good point."

Wu-Fei returned. "I need to stop by the pharmacy while we're out," he told Heero. "I'm getting low on my antihistamines." The two of them left.

"We should go to work as well, Quatre," Trowa said, "since Duo has to stay home with Jett."

"Right. What about you, Zechs?"

Zechs sighed. "I have to see Noin," he admitted a little mournfully. "I may as well get this whole dome thing over with."

Treize grinned. "I'll take our things back to the house and walk Alexa to school. Hadeya, when you and Roku get to the university, you should go to the library and study up on winemaking. Since you college students will have the most free time, you can help me."

"It's going to be months before the dome is ready!" Zechs exclaimed.

"I know, but I want to hit the ground running."

"Noin's going to kill me," Zechs said sadly. He left the house and trudged resignedly over to Noin's cottage.

"Zechs!" Sally exclaimed when she answered the door. "Did you have a nice trip?"

"Yes, very nice. And no one was injured!" he added quickly when Noin appeared behind Sally with a scowl on her face.

"That's good to hear," Sally said cheerfully. "How is Duo's baby?"

"She's a lovely little toddler now," Zechs said. "She's very cute but has kind of a loud voice."

"That's an odd way to describe a kid," Noin noted suspiciously.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about," Zechs said quickly, "although we may want to look at the resonance frequencies of the dome material."

"Resonance frequencies?!"

"Well, sometimes Jett can hit some really high notes that seem to resonate with glass-like materials."

Noin stared.

"I'm sure it's nothing to worry about."

Noin folded her arms across her chest.

"But we should probably check, just to be careful."

"She cracks glass when she cries," Noin stated flatly.

"Well," Zechs said with a sickly grin, "there were one or two incidents were a glass or two, and possibly several windows, seemed to shatter in response to Jett's cries."

"The dome is a polycarbonate crystal matrix that closely resembles glass," Noin pointed out.

"Jett's gotten much better about keeping her voice down."

"Why am I suddenly having visions of the entire Martian colony collapsing into the dust?"

Zechs laughed weakly. "I'm sure nothing like that will happen. But speaking of domes, there was something I wanted to talk to you about. I had this really great idea about a new dome."

"A new dome?" Noin glared at him with renewed suspicion. "What kind of new dome?"

"A farming dome!" Zechs said brightly. "I think it would be a great idea if we could grow more food in a more natural way here on Mars. I've been thinking about constructing a couple of domes that encompass a lot of area that would just be used for farming. It would also be a good way to provide employment for our non-technical residents."

"That's a very good idea, Zechs," Sally said, but Noin was having none of it.

"A farming dome would have to be huge!" Noin exclaimed. "The construction costs alone would wreck our budget. And where are we supposed to get the additional air and water?"

"I'm not saying there aren't technical issues to resolve," Zechs said quickly.

"And what about the financial?"

"Well, um, I might have another source of income that will cover that."

"What source?"

Zechs hung his head. "Duo's gambling money. We counted it while we were away and it seems like we've accumulated a whole lot of gold coins. Many of them are antique coins and will be worth far more than their gold content. I'm sure Duo will agree to sell some of them to support Mars colony development."

"What a great idea!" Sally exclaimed.

"Gambling money?!" Noin cried. "That's… that's…"

"A good idea," Sally finished for her. "We'd better get going or we'll be late for work. Zechs can tell us all about it on the train." She caught Noin and Zechs each by an arm and started walking, letting the door swing shut on its own.

"I was planning to start with a small experimental dome," Zechs said, "with an experimental crop."

"Oh?" Noin's suspicious look returned.

"Yes," Zechs continued. "I thought we could start by growing a few grapes. Treize suggested winemaking as one of our first indigenous businesses. It sounded reasonable."

"Wine?!" Noin exploded. "You want to make wine?" She stared at him with narrowed eyes. "I bet this is all Treize's idea. You'll let him talk you into anything once he starts licking you ears."

Zechs turned red. "He was not licking my ears!"

"So he was licking your…"

"That's quite enough, Noin," Sally interrupted. "I think an indigenous business is a good idea. Mars needs to start making money of its own, not depending on the Earth Sphere for everything. And wine is an excellent first product. It's not that difficult to produce and there's a built-in market for it."

"Quit taking his side!"

"I'm not taking his side; I'm presenting a reasonable argument."

"I'm not wasting valuable resources on a stupid vineyard!"

"If I can do it without impacting any of the current terra-forming projects, will you agree?" Zechs said.

Noin scowled. "I suppose I'll have to."

"Good. I'll have a detailed proposal ready for you in a few days."

"This is a stupid idea," Noin grumbled.

"Oh, I don't know," said Sally. "I think it will be fun."

Noin glared at Sally. "You would think falling into a black hole was fun!" she accused.

Sally chuckled. "If our good friends here were involved, it might very well be!"

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

_And thus ends another happy tale of our favorite Gundam pilots! Their little family isn't little anymore and Mars may never be the same, but that's a tale for the next story. I hope you will join me because I'm about to take a huge leap into heretofore untested waters where I will have to do actual research! Yes, that's right! My Gundam Wing series is about to plunge into the uncharted waters of a CROSS-OVER! Aieee! At the behest of Riyo, who is a very dictatorial muse, the next Gundam Wing story will be: "Gundam Wing Goes to Hogwarts"! Which means I have to actually READ some Harry Potter books. (Riyo won't let me just go off the movies; like I said, she's dictatorial.) That being said, it will be a little while before the next story starts posting because I haven't finished the obligatory number of volumes she assigned me. (I need to review that whole mother-daughter relationship thing. I seem to be taking an awful lot of orders...)_


End file.
